i spent a good part of the morning laughing with one of my dearest friends G. He's also my landlord and one of the smartest guys I know. Anyway, he moved away and is back for a visit and i forgot how funny he is. We were driving out to his storage space in Jersey to retrieve an in apartment air conditioner for the summer.
we talked about assumptions. more specifically all the assumptions i have made lately. especially with this guy. in that moment the last time i saw him when he stood there and said he could not explain, I simply assumed it was over, he was ending it, and I walked away with this assumption in my pocket. I continue to assume this even today. There were at least two people, who had heard the story, who told me they didn't really think it was a "dumping" or even a "break up". But I have carried these assumptions around with me and continue to do so.
I didn't realize these were my choices. I thought the choices were already made for me. I assumed since he could not speak he was too weak of a man to just break up with me so I let him off the hook by leaving. Theres still a good chance this assumption is correct but its mine and I own it. G says that we are in control of our lives. we have the power to make choices that will affect our future. while he is saying I'm wondering why I just walked away. Why didn't I insist he explain or tell him to think it over and then explain later. Instead I was convinced by nothing (essentially) that it was all over. "I" made the choice. Not him. Not anyone but me.
Of course I hated having all these realizations fed to me on the Jersey state highway but I'll take what I can get.
a special note and thank you to goncalo!
i write cause i need to. so thank you.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
this blog is about not being afraid
im FULL of fears. i secretely feed off the creativity of others. sometimes its the sadness of others. either way, at times, many times, i feel like i have no identity. in the past month with this guy, i started to see something in myself. i LOVED this something. i felt smart and good and funny and even pretty.
and now i have to figure out how to continue seeing this person in me without the help of that guy. alone with my thoughts. this has proved dangerous in the past. i see cranes dropping and machines exploding. i see swat teams jumping out of helicopters and buses running me over.
i used to walk 100 blocks with my friend jody and we'd be in this bubble. nothing could get in, we were LOST in our world. our thoughts. we were surrounded by this energy. i feel like the last month of my life was in a bubble.
when im alone, i pretend im that same bubble and someone is with me. i pretend they see the same sunset, the same shadow, strange mustache, broken window. when i saw the magnificent crane on saturday with the shadows of men walking so high up in the sky, i pretended i wasn't alone. i longed for someone to race down the path with. i can see someone there with me but they have no face and they are nameless. its a blurred person.
my memory is a diseased soul. it hates me.
jody remembered everything. every single detail. she would tell me stories of bike rides we would take and songs we made up and i would not remember any of it.
my fear is that i will forget how i was with this poet. i will not know how to be that person i really liked in me. i fear my creative energy will die out. i fear it is already dying. im fighting with myself and my depression. im pushing it back. im avoiding it.
i feel addictions to speed and need my blades more and more.
i feel like i cannot be here anymore
i feel dangerous and out of control
and calm and its not enough.
nothing seems enough anymore.
these are the faces of me that i hate people reading.
and now i have to figure out how to continue seeing this person in me without the help of that guy. alone with my thoughts. this has proved dangerous in the past. i see cranes dropping and machines exploding. i see swat teams jumping out of helicopters and buses running me over.
i used to walk 100 blocks with my friend jody and we'd be in this bubble. nothing could get in, we were LOST in our world. our thoughts. we were surrounded by this energy. i feel like the last month of my life was in a bubble.
when im alone, i pretend im that same bubble and someone is with me. i pretend they see the same sunset, the same shadow, strange mustache, broken window. when i saw the magnificent crane on saturday with the shadows of men walking so high up in the sky, i pretended i wasn't alone. i longed for someone to race down the path with. i can see someone there with me but they have no face and they are nameless. its a blurred person.
my memory is a diseased soul. it hates me.
jody remembered everything. every single detail. she would tell me stories of bike rides we would take and songs we made up and i would not remember any of it.
my fear is that i will forget how i was with this poet. i will not know how to be that person i really liked in me. i fear my creative energy will die out. i fear it is already dying. im fighting with myself and my depression. im pushing it back. im avoiding it.
i feel addictions to speed and need my blades more and more.
i feel like i cannot be here anymore
i feel dangerous and out of control
and calm and its not enough.
nothing seems enough anymore.
these are the faces of me that i hate people reading.
Friday, March 23, 2007
not quite there
How do i go from "i cant believe i met this amazing man" to "i cant believe he invited me to dinner with his friends only to dump me right on the street after"
have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.
who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?
what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....
COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna
a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.
i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...
I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.
i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.
the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha
i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.
my one true love.
mr. divney please unwrap him.....
have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.
who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?
what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....
COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna
a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.
i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...
I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.
i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.
the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha
i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.
my one true love.
mr. divney please unwrap him.....
at dinner last night
With three of my favorite people in the world (A, E and G). And G tells me to blog about 5 things I've done. He says this is a good excersize for me. And so here is todays blog. 5 things I have done. So we didnt finish the conversation cause the guacamole man came to the table but I think I know what he means. However, just as a warm up list of 5. I think I'll do since I woke up this morning.
1. Cursed the loquacious weather woman on channel 7. god she is so wrong. i walked out of the house in a winter raincoat and a bathing suit. CAN SHE JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!!!
2. Febreezed and put on my gray running pants for the 5th day in a row. What? they are comfortable.
3. Rode the elevator down, up and back down again. (forgot nano charger)
4. watched the crane lower a GIANT red contraption almost on TOP of a man who was eating a bagel and pretending to steer the red contraption.
5. drank the most tallest cup of iced coffee (assuring i will never get an abdomen scan today dammit...)
1. Cursed the loquacious weather woman on channel 7. god she is so wrong. i walked out of the house in a winter raincoat and a bathing suit. CAN SHE JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!!!
2. Febreezed and put on my gray running pants for the 5th day in a row. What? they are comfortable.
3. Rode the elevator down, up and back down again. (forgot nano charger)
4. watched the crane lower a GIANT red contraption almost on TOP of a man who was eating a bagel and pretending to steer the red contraption.
5. drank the most tallest cup of iced coffee (assuring i will never get an abdomen scan today dammit...)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
not really sure how to blog about mild happiness
but im not totally sad. i go through bits and pieces of unhappiness
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down
Monday, March 19, 2007
who the hell am i
this weekend i shared a cigarette with a drag queen. But thats only cause she saw me rushing down the street sobbing and stopped me to ask whats wrong. I must have told her i was dumped and ugly and horrible and the worst person on earth and she was so tall and i was face to face with her giant boobs when she said
"Honey, please, you aint ugly, look up here. go on, look at me, you aint ugly"
the next thing i knew she disappeared and the bartender came out and asked what was wrong. i threw the cigarette down and rushed off again. then i was sitting at dinner last night with a sheet of paper and two columns. Trying to decide what reasons i should work at this new retail job. other than pays more and cute manager, i had nothing. and i texted my friend and asked her how i could be in paris with a good job by the end of summer. one more summer in new york.
of course, being completely fair she writes back "Y Paris? I don't get it. Do u want a fresh start? Inez, Annalisa. Feel like sometimes u wanna lose xxx..." (of course xxx being my real name.)
my friend at work says that there is no such thing as a drag queen on 59th st so she must have been my guardian angel. i like that thought. i think i'll stick with it.
anyway, yes, there is a lot of people i probably could be and wish i was. like i wish i was a doctor without borders and i wish i was an actress like meryl streep and a computer genius. and i wrestle with the conflicting thoughts of age versus time versus how can i not be anything in my life while everyone else is something. i am conflicted.
totally conflicted.
and jesus christ people, you walk out in the streets of new york and find 20 million people like and not like you and try not to think ever again. its impossible.
"Honey, please, you aint ugly, look up here. go on, look at me, you aint ugly"
the next thing i knew she disappeared and the bartender came out and asked what was wrong. i threw the cigarette down and rushed off again. then i was sitting at dinner last night with a sheet of paper and two columns. Trying to decide what reasons i should work at this new retail job. other than pays more and cute manager, i had nothing. and i texted my friend and asked her how i could be in paris with a good job by the end of summer. one more summer in new york.
of course, being completely fair she writes back "Y Paris? I don't get it. Do u want a fresh start? Inez, Annalisa. Feel like sometimes u wanna lose xxx..." (of course xxx being my real name.)
my friend at work says that there is no such thing as a drag queen on 59th st so she must have been my guardian angel. i like that thought. i think i'll stick with it.
anyway, yes, there is a lot of people i probably could be and wish i was. like i wish i was a doctor without borders and i wish i was an actress like meryl streep and a computer genius. and i wrestle with the conflicting thoughts of age versus time versus how can i not be anything in my life while everyone else is something. i am conflicted.
totally conflicted.
and jesus christ people, you walk out in the streets of new york and find 20 million people like and not like you and try not to think ever again. its impossible.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
fuck you
right at this moment im fucking sad and depressed
the man just broke up with me
just ended it
its over
im too old
to gray
to ugly
to skinny
to stupid
to everything
i hate everything
i hate it all
the man just broke up with me
just ended it
its over
im too old
to gray
to ugly
to skinny
to stupid
to everything
i hate everything
i hate it all
saturday
I cant tell the story of the mural i put on my wall
i cant figure out where im supposed to be.
im sick of retrospect
i just watched the longest movie on earth
why hasn't scorsese won anything
or did he
i cannot remember the name of anyone
or the birthdays of everyone
how can you live in the moment if all you do is remember the past
im sick of the past.
sick of winter
sick of the ice melting down my windows
my phone doesnt ring
my lips are so chapped
but no one will kiss them
how come there are so many people in this world
and how come we have to die
if i didnt have to die i wouldnt care what today is
i had this vision of driving to the cemetary to say goodbye to myrle.
i had this dream that dr. ginsberg found cancer in my arm
it woke me up.
then ilona moved into my house
even though its a studio
i hate dreaming
and when old friends haunt me
ok so now that all that is out
and the sun no longer shines on the bricks
the day continues
cold
but not terribly lonely
its ok to be alone
its going to be ok
i cant figure out where im supposed to be.
im sick of retrospect
i just watched the longest movie on earth
why hasn't scorsese won anything
or did he
i cannot remember the name of anyone
or the birthdays of everyone
how can you live in the moment if all you do is remember the past
im sick of the past.
sick of winter
sick of the ice melting down my windows
my phone doesnt ring
my lips are so chapped
but no one will kiss them
how come there are so many people in this world
and how come we have to die
if i didnt have to die i wouldnt care what today is
i had this vision of driving to the cemetary to say goodbye to myrle.
i had this dream that dr. ginsberg found cancer in my arm
it woke me up.
then ilona moved into my house
even though its a studio
i hate dreaming
and when old friends haunt me
ok so now that all that is out
and the sun no longer shines on the bricks
the day continues
cold
but not terribly lonely
its ok to be alone
its going to be ok
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Poetic Anatomy
I am reading this book about this woman whose probably mid 30's. She's just divorced and traveling around. In the book she's now in India at this Ashram studying her poetic anatomy. Her friend coined the term but I like it. She's trying to find some experience with her body that will bring her closer to something...like God for example.
She thinks this will help her stabilize her monsoon thoughts that kill her mostly.
So I have ALWAYS been a big disbeliever in any type of calming thought process that relaxes me (ie. meditation). I have been against it. I hate breathing like that. Or I used to hate breathing like that. But now I wonder if theres something to that. I mean all summer long I took nice long deep breaths whenever my body would remember what was going on. It was this secret little way for me to relax. But in the book and the real meditation process they include these mantras. and i flat out REFUSE to say a mantra over and over. Unless its something I came upwith. but usually when im breathing my mind is dead, or cleared and i cant form words or mantras. i hate mantras.
I know most of my friends think I'm like a constant fucking worrier, someone who cannot relax at all. But truly, I can relax. I did relax. I'm a great relaxer. You should have seen me with this guy on the trip. We had like 30 seconds to catch a train on the other side of town and I sat there worrying that I wouldn't get to finish my wine and dinner. Not about missing the train.
Hell, I WANTED to be stuck in Paris for the night. Even if it meant he wouldn't make his flight. I wanted him to be stuck with me. I didn't tell him this and he made his flight just barely.
And so this week has been a practice in relaxing for me. I cannot turn on the tv right now. I want to read. I have been trying to finish this book I got from a friend so I could give it back to her tonight but I start to read and then relax so much that I fall asleep. I cant seem to get through the book fast enough. Plus this meditation part isn't as exciting to me as the part about her time in Italy meeting people and eating everything.
But she is an amazing writer and I like how she sees things. And articulates things. I wonder how many edits her book went through.
She thinks this will help her stabilize her monsoon thoughts that kill her mostly.
So I have ALWAYS been a big disbeliever in any type of calming thought process that relaxes me (ie. meditation). I have been against it. I hate breathing like that. Or I used to hate breathing like that. But now I wonder if theres something to that. I mean all summer long I took nice long deep breaths whenever my body would remember what was going on. It was this secret little way for me to relax. But in the book and the real meditation process they include these mantras. and i flat out REFUSE to say a mantra over and over. Unless its something I came upwith. but usually when im breathing my mind is dead, or cleared and i cant form words or mantras. i hate mantras.
I know most of my friends think I'm like a constant fucking worrier, someone who cannot relax at all. But truly, I can relax. I did relax. I'm a great relaxer. You should have seen me with this guy on the trip. We had like 30 seconds to catch a train on the other side of town and I sat there worrying that I wouldn't get to finish my wine and dinner. Not about missing the train.
Hell, I WANTED to be stuck in Paris for the night. Even if it meant he wouldn't make his flight. I wanted him to be stuck with me. I didn't tell him this and he made his flight just barely.
And so this week has been a practice in relaxing for me. I cannot turn on the tv right now. I want to read. I have been trying to finish this book I got from a friend so I could give it back to her tonight but I start to read and then relax so much that I fall asleep. I cant seem to get through the book fast enough. Plus this meditation part isn't as exciting to me as the part about her time in Italy meeting people and eating everything.
But she is an amazing writer and I like how she sees things. And articulates things. I wonder how many edits her book went through.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Tuesday and I'm trying
trying to keep up the esteem levels.
im faced with this one fear which my friends try to convince me is truely not the correct fear and shouldnt be a fear at all. i think that this man is pulling away as a direct result of something i said at breakfast and my reaction to his real age.
simultaneously he has been hit with a MASSIVE dose of reality and hard times not getting a job he wanted more than anything and was totally convinced he had and has now to decide what is next. This plate of reality is possibly consuming him. Possibly the reason he is not capable of giving me the proper dosage of affection that I desire and what will I do about this:
I will just fucking relax and know in my heart that he does like me. He has not started resenting me/hating me. I have to have faith that everything will be ok.
He could be in a rut for a while. this is completely possible. he could be unable to deal with me or my insanity.
betty is gone
that is ok.
elizabeth says that reality HAS to happen. Its important.
i agree
ONE SECOND AT A TIME. ONE FUCKING SECOND AT A TIME.
im faced with this one fear which my friends try to convince me is truely not the correct fear and shouldnt be a fear at all. i think that this man is pulling away as a direct result of something i said at breakfast and my reaction to his real age.
simultaneously he has been hit with a MASSIVE dose of reality and hard times not getting a job he wanted more than anything and was totally convinced he had and has now to decide what is next. This plate of reality is possibly consuming him. Possibly the reason he is not capable of giving me the proper dosage of affection that I desire and what will I do about this:
I will just fucking relax and know in my heart that he does like me. He has not started resenting me/hating me. I have to have faith that everything will be ok.
He could be in a rut for a while. this is completely possible. he could be unable to deal with me or my insanity.
betty is gone
that is ok.
elizabeth says that reality HAS to happen. Its important.
i agree
ONE SECOND AT A TIME. ONE FUCKING SECOND AT A TIME.
Monday, March 12, 2007
trash in my head
the world is buzzing. im a failure. at many things. of this i was reminded yesterday. and NOT in a bad way, but a real way. And i KNOW that this friend never used the word failure and she used all the disclaimers, she said everything right and it made me think. I'm 32 years old. And if you ask me "are you where you want to be in life?" I will say "where is that?"
Cause I dont fucking have a clue. I never did and I probably never will. The truth is I dont think of myself as a failure when I'm with myself. But in the company or comparison of others, I know where I stand. I'm called Doctor Inez by other doctors but I know who I am. And I know, at least here at the hospital, where I stand on the list of important people. It means more to me to be thought of on the same level as a doctor than to be a doctor. This is just something I tell myself to feel better.
I feel totally exposed to this man. I feel like I'm on the operating table with my spleen poking out. I told him I missed him. It hasn't been that long since I saw him. I am so young sometimes. I know he wont say it back. I secretely want him to but its ok. I will be ok. I'm always worried about everything. Like a fool.
Cause I dont fucking have a clue. I never did and I probably never will. The truth is I dont think of myself as a failure when I'm with myself. But in the company or comparison of others, I know where I stand. I'm called Doctor Inez by other doctors but I know who I am. And I know, at least here at the hospital, where I stand on the list of important people. It means more to me to be thought of on the same level as a doctor than to be a doctor. This is just something I tell myself to feel better.
I feel totally exposed to this man. I feel like I'm on the operating table with my spleen poking out. I told him I missed him. It hasn't been that long since I saw him. I am so young sometimes. I know he wont say it back. I secretely want him to but its ok. I will be ok. I'm always worried about everything. Like a fool.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
gotta say how i feel
I usually rollerblade only to the intrepid and return. I haven't had the something to go further. All I know is that when I got there today, nose frozen, legs burning, ears popping I knew that I couldn't stop. I kept going. I smiled as good as I could considering the weather. Lately in my life I have had this energy I've never felt before. Its like I'm waking up from some lifelong hibernation. I feel different and crazy and alive for the first time. Sometimes I cant even speak. And its like I can actually feel my molecules.
I feel like I'm in love. I feel love like its never been felt. I want to shout it and scream it. My hands shake when I think about it (like right now hard to type.)
Ive never felt so scared and so satisfied.
This man. I call him by his last name because I wanted to be the only one. And last night I sat on his friends white sofa and the room wanted to know everything. Questions about life and your first sexual experience and the wine was endless. And then it was said. I had already suffered minor strokes knowing he was 3 years younger than me but I let them subside. And then.
As if Sasha (one of the guests) picked up the wine opener and threw it directly at my soul, someone said his age. It wasn't the age I was lead to believe. And now he was seven years younger than me. Seven years of getting to know oneself and figuring out life a bit more and seven years of dating and fucking and exploring and drug use. Seven years that I not only lived already but was tired of. Some friends say I need to subtract four years for the time I was with ex. I was numb. I am certain he could see this and his friend Lillie could as well. She was so good and trying so hard to comfort me.
So you should all see the confusion. And its so easy to speak up loudly and tell me that age doesn't matter. I remember in college with my first love. We were together 5 years and he spent all of them "finding himself". I took the path apparently less taken which was to simply find a job and live normally. No creative energy came out of me. I was afraid of everything and kept alone. I have always been almost alone. Mostly alone. I need it. I'm resting quietly with finding out who I am. Sharing my life, sharing my freedom, exploring my freedom, embracing my freedom, sheltering my heart, opening my heart. fuck. its like a fucking lifetime movie.
I made it up to 125th with the GW bridge just feet away. There was a roundabout in the path and I took it. back home and with my head mostly cleared up. The sun beat down on me and I never felt so alive.
Round and round.
I feel like I'm in love. I feel love like its never been felt. I want to shout it and scream it. My hands shake when I think about it (like right now hard to type.)
Ive never felt so scared and so satisfied.
This man. I call him by his last name because I wanted to be the only one. And last night I sat on his friends white sofa and the room wanted to know everything. Questions about life and your first sexual experience and the wine was endless. And then it was said. I had already suffered minor strokes knowing he was 3 years younger than me but I let them subside. And then.
As if Sasha (one of the guests) picked up the wine opener and threw it directly at my soul, someone said his age. It wasn't the age I was lead to believe. And now he was seven years younger than me. Seven years of getting to know oneself and figuring out life a bit more and seven years of dating and fucking and exploring and drug use. Seven years that I not only lived already but was tired of. Some friends say I need to subtract four years for the time I was with ex. I was numb. I am certain he could see this and his friend Lillie could as well. She was so good and trying so hard to comfort me.
So you should all see the confusion. And its so easy to speak up loudly and tell me that age doesn't matter. I remember in college with my first love. We were together 5 years and he spent all of them "finding himself". I took the path apparently less taken which was to simply find a job and live normally. No creative energy came out of me. I was afraid of everything and kept alone. I have always been almost alone. Mostly alone. I need it. I'm resting quietly with finding out who I am. Sharing my life, sharing my freedom, exploring my freedom, embracing my freedom, sheltering my heart, opening my heart. fuck. its like a fucking lifetime movie.
I made it up to 125th with the GW bridge just feet away. There was a roundabout in the path and I took it. back home and with my head mostly cleared up. The sun beat down on me and I never felt so alive.
Round and round.
Friday, March 02, 2007
reasons I cannot explain
Yes, you see I Havent blogged. We all know that I blog sadness and depression and anger mixed with sarcasm. I also blog complete delirium. But lately, I have been distracted by someone. And like some Dodger player before a game I am soo afraid of talking about him for fear I will ruin everything. I call this the death match of love.
But what has happened lately is that I have been telling anyone whose anyone about him. Well sort of. Like at my 2nd job at the end of the night when all the coworkers are standing around chatting it up and I am trying desperately to close the store so I can get the hell out of there I will say stuff like:
"This is totally unacceptable, please people get to work and close this god damn store dont you know I have a DATE tonight!!!"
or
"Get out of my way Sakinah I will finish this project, you are too slow and I have a man waiting. a HOT man"
of course I say these things with the utmost sincerity and sarcasm and noone ever takes me seriously but my insides are usually dying to leave and prepare myself for another night of total insanity with this wonderful man.
I have never EVER met anyone like him. I mean at all.
The truth is I messed up the blog. I was showing him this one post about the wrapped crane and I copied and pasted which gave him the link to the blog. Which mean't I had to lock it down and I removed all the prior blogs. I messed up but I simply could not be exposed. So thats why its locked down.
But what has happened lately is that I have been telling anyone whose anyone about him. Well sort of. Like at my 2nd job at the end of the night when all the coworkers are standing around chatting it up and I am trying desperately to close the store so I can get the hell out of there I will say stuff like:
"This is totally unacceptable, please people get to work and close this god damn store dont you know I have a DATE tonight!!!"
or
"Get out of my way Sakinah I will finish this project, you are too slow and I have a man waiting. a HOT man"
of course I say these things with the utmost sincerity and sarcasm and noone ever takes me seriously but my insides are usually dying to leave and prepare myself for another night of total insanity with this wonderful man.
I have never EVER met anyone like him. I mean at all.
The truth is I messed up the blog. I was showing him this one post about the wrapped crane and I copied and pasted which gave him the link to the blog. Which mean't I had to lock it down and I removed all the prior blogs. I messed up but I simply could not be exposed. So thats why its locked down.
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