Even just thinking of writing this makes my stomach turn. I'm so close. I have too much in my head. I cant really think straight. I answer the phone "radiology", i picked up my candle thinking it was my coffee and almost drank the fire. Today I was in a coma just not doing anything. I slept maybe too much. I ran only a few errands. the UPS woman hated me cause i simply could not understand the words coming out of her mouth. I made her repeat them three times.
So whats been going on? Well im glad you asked. The events have topped the top of events in the history of my life. Random acts of kindness filled my entire being so full that last saturday it all flooded out of my eyes in the form of complete denial. I cried at the temporary loss of my beautiful canon when in fact, it was the madness of this move. the madness of my beautiful friends throwing parties, buying insanely generous euros and tickets, reaching out, hugging, organizing, writing, it was too much. And so, I couldnt deal with that, instead, the camera missing seemed an easy ploy and, while it made me look completely insane, it was MUCH easier to cry about then what I really was crying about.
Of course these geniuses I surround myself with could see RIGHT through me! I was no match...
Ok, so I got it all out. Followed by a trip home with the folks. I sat in the back of my mom's pastel class and marveled in amazement at her ability to connect with people and teach them. How they all were so at ease and free to express. I couldnt draw a stroke. But she should be my teacher of life! I wish I could take her class on "How to deal with moving across the pond". Of course, she's way too expensive for me. even with the family discount.
So now its friday. I leave tomorrow. I bit my lip about 4 times last night during the chocolate cake bonanza that was brought on by suprise via friend pagosa! It just never ends. the end is not even within sight.
By the way, this doesnt explain why I was up last night stressed out about why one particular friend is losing his sight of whats important. Why later when I did fall asleep my boss was giving me a gynecology exam in a red carpet gown and why I flew all around in and above a small man who was running from the murder he just committed which i saw and then why he turned into a dragon fly and freaked me out and made me fly into a giant color.
which brings us to the switch. im switching to the new site now. this second. so if you are ready for paris and ready for me in paris and ready for perhaps more and more not normal then follow me there.
bon voyage
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
I feel a nite of restless sleep coming on. I'm a
desert
a monkey
a vacumn
a kiss
a hug
a smug
a breeze
a bike
Eve's idea was to get a shirt that says "you are all whores"
it made sense if the shirt was more clear
but i agreed anyway
the most heartfelt line out of miss eve was when she lovingly said i was no different than the love she felt for preserved meat.
and now we have sunday
desert
a monkey
a vacumn
a kiss
a hug
a smug
a breeze
a bike
Eve's idea was to get a shirt that says "you are all whores"
it made sense if the shirt was more clear
but i agreed anyway
the most heartfelt line out of miss eve was when she lovingly said i was no different than the love she felt for preserved meat.
and now we have sunday
Friday, November 02, 2007
take it easy
Whoa, you need to calm down! It is NOT that big of a deal. I think its time to sit down and really just chill. Listen, it aint that bad, seriously, you will be FINE. You just need to relax and take a deep breathe and think about what a great thing you are doing.
There are so many risks out there just WAITING to be taken. They are lonely, sad risks with no one to talk to and think about. Some risks just show up one day and stand across from you and grow and grow and get disguised and the are lit up and protect you and even try to kill you but if you aren't careful, one day you will wake up and that big risk is gone.
You have to realize that you get ONE chance, ONE life, ONE moment to face everything at once. Dude, this is YOUR time. Your chance.
DO IT....Just DOOO IT.
damnit, or i will kill you.
There are so many risks out there just WAITING to be taken. They are lonely, sad risks with no one to talk to and think about. Some risks just show up one day and stand across from you and grow and grow and get disguised and the are lit up and protect you and even try to kill you but if you aren't careful, one day you will wake up and that big risk is gone.
You have to realize that you get ONE chance, ONE life, ONE moment to face everything at once. Dude, this is YOUR time. Your chance.
DO IT....Just DOOO IT.
damnit, or i will kill you.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The crane
Not too long ago I moved into this building possibly in search of some new life that didn't even vaguely represent the one I let go of. What made the move so easy for me had a lot to do with the building sitting in what I consider the most beautiful part of Manhattan. And amazingly, despite all the evidence Manhattan has to offer on how life can change so quickly right in front of us, I didn't really learn this lesson until my engagement ended.
And since I cannot seem to face anything without a trace of sarcasm, I turned this quazzy theoretical philosophy into its most literal form and saw my death at each and every turn. And shortly after moving in, the crane appeared. This crane spent each and every morning attempting to kill me by hovering various objects of gigantic strength and size over my head in its effort to build the super modern complex known as the beaver house. As the crane continued its effort every day to build this monster sized tower, I continued becoming quite attached to it. The crane came alive every morning and fell asleep every nite. It went through changes, first it was wrapped in the advertisments of the building in the hottest months of the summer causing the poor thing to sweat profusely and have to flash the dreaded bastard beaver in hopes of claiming new tenants upon its completion.
A letter to the beaver board president did nothing to remove the wrap. Not even for my crane party which, despite the wrap, was a great success.
Then the lights that lit up the great crane were taken away leaving nothing but mad giant darkness.
As the building went up, the crane was given the gift of height. I will never forget that day as a differently shaped crane made a guest appearance taking up the entire 5 way intersection just to help with the gift.
Sure, I went around the city viewing other cranes, I even made a map of the active cranes, Hell, even the cranes in Brussels looked interesting but the truth is, this crane was the only crane in my radar that made sense. This crane spoke a language only I could understand.
At 3am on Saturday morning, the guest appearance crane returned and started working. As I made my way to the deli below, seeing it was a thrill as I knew the top of this beaver house still had so much work to complete. They could only be adding even more height to my crane. There was tons of noise but I had trouble viewing the progress mainly cause my windows are so dirty I can hardly see out. So the morning became a project cleaning the windows for my perfect crane view.
At lunch, I schlepped down for a tuna melt and a tired construction worker walked in.
Me: "How tall will the crane be after they are done?"
Construction worker: "What? No, they are taking it down."
Juan found me outside staring up at the crane when he brought me my tuna melt. I had completely forgotten I ordered it. All I could do was stare. All I could do really was think that its ok for the crane to leave cause I'm leaving. Maybe this is lifes way of telling me what I already knew about how life can change at any moment. So there you have it, the book of crane has opened and is now closed.
So I'm gonna update my map.
Goodbye friend.
And since I cannot seem to face anything without a trace of sarcasm, I turned this quazzy theoretical philosophy into its most literal form and saw my death at each and every turn. And shortly after moving in, the crane appeared. This crane spent each and every morning attempting to kill me by hovering various objects of gigantic strength and size over my head in its effort to build the super modern complex known as the beaver house. As the crane continued its effort every day to build this monster sized tower, I continued becoming quite attached to it. The crane came alive every morning and fell asleep every nite. It went through changes, first it was wrapped in the advertisments of the building in the hottest months of the summer causing the poor thing to sweat profusely and have to flash the dreaded bastard beaver in hopes of claiming new tenants upon its completion.
A letter to the beaver board president did nothing to remove the wrap. Not even for my crane party which, despite the wrap, was a great success.
Then the lights that lit up the great crane were taken away leaving nothing but mad giant darkness.
As the building went up, the crane was given the gift of height. I will never forget that day as a differently shaped crane made a guest appearance taking up the entire 5 way intersection just to help with the gift.
Sure, I went around the city viewing other cranes, I even made a map of the active cranes, Hell, even the cranes in Brussels looked interesting but the truth is, this crane was the only crane in my radar that made sense. This crane spoke a language only I could understand.
At 3am on Saturday morning, the guest appearance crane returned and started working. As I made my way to the deli below, seeing it was a thrill as I knew the top of this beaver house still had so much work to complete. They could only be adding even more height to my crane. There was tons of noise but I had trouble viewing the progress mainly cause my windows are so dirty I can hardly see out. So the morning became a project cleaning the windows for my perfect crane view.
At lunch, I schlepped down for a tuna melt and a tired construction worker walked in.
Me: "How tall will the crane be after they are done?"
Construction worker: "What? No, they are taking it down."
Juan found me outside staring up at the crane when he brought me my tuna melt. I had completely forgotten I ordered it. All I could do was stare. All I could do really was think that its ok for the crane to leave cause I'm leaving. Maybe this is lifes way of telling me what I already knew about how life can change at any moment. So there you have it, the book of crane has opened and is now closed.
So I'm gonna update my map.
Goodbye friend.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
What to do when your friends are ignoring you
Hold a fake meeting about them and then send the "accused" friend the minutes of the meeting. Now this particular friend claims to have ruptured his ACL and claimed to have surgery. He also claimed he would move to Paris with me and was goin to stay with me post surgery but he has failed on all accounts thus far and for that he will die:
Agenda
Attendees: Inez Cavavos, Marshal Mathers, Marshall, Diego, Hair, Dr. Gollub, The chick from Costa Rica, Su-Jiang from the back rub place and Caro (who took the minutes).
Caterers - Jean-Georges and Wolfgang
9-9:05pm - Introductions
9:05-9:15 - Review of Abe's misbehavior
9:15-9:20 - Review of detention centers for Abe
9:20-9:25 - snack break
9:25-9:36 - Video of Abe's abuse caught on tape
9:36-9:40 - Closing statements
Minutes: Abe's behavior unacceptable for very long time. Doesn’t answer cell phone calls, reaches out for help then declines any help offered, complete and utter abandonment of friends and false claims of depression and suicidal threats. Selfish and unruley mistreatment of flesh lite and other inanimate objects like pediatricians and tangerine smoothies. Recommend 9-14 years of "friend camp" in northern montana run by two shellfish and a small minor named "hiccup". Video clearly shows Abe not calling back Inez A. Cavavos and ignoring her forever until she is dead on a log in the east river of nowhere. Not too mention in this video Abe is watching a video of Inez weeping hysterically alone crying out for help. His laughter is unacceptable.
Signed - Terribly hurt nurse Cavavos
Some people respond well to sarcasm, Abe is one of these people. So I'm expecting a big ole hug from him any moment. Even if its awkwards cause he's "supposedly" on crutches. Hmph!!
Agenda
Attendees: Inez Cavavos, Marshal Mathers, Marshall, Diego, Hair, Dr. Gollub, The chick from Costa Rica, Su-Jiang from the back rub place and Caro (who took the minutes).
Caterers - Jean-Georges and Wolfgang
9-9:05pm - Introductions
9:05-9:15 - Review of Abe's misbehavior
9:15-9:20 - Review of detention centers for Abe
9:20-9:25 - snack break
9:25-9:36 - Video of Abe's abuse caught on tape
9:36-9:40 - Closing statements
Minutes: Abe's behavior unacceptable for very long time. Doesn’t answer cell phone calls, reaches out for help then declines any help offered, complete and utter abandonment of friends and false claims of depression and suicidal threats. Selfish and unruley mistreatment of flesh lite and other inanimate objects like pediatricians and tangerine smoothies. Recommend 9-14 years of "friend camp" in northern montana run by two shellfish and a small minor named "hiccup". Video clearly shows Abe not calling back Inez A. Cavavos and ignoring her forever until she is dead on a log in the east river of nowhere. Not too mention in this video Abe is watching a video of Inez weeping hysterically alone crying out for help. His laughter is unacceptable.
Signed - Terribly hurt nurse Cavavos
Some people respond well to sarcasm, Abe is one of these people. So I'm expecting a big ole hug from him any moment. Even if its awkwards cause he's "supposedly" on crutches. Hmph!!
Sunday, October 21, 2007
the things i do
Refuse to watch someones dog cause they hurt me
not physically
pretend grandma myrle is watching
sometimes
miss people (just a few)
hate cell phones
sunbathe on picnic tables
tell people im allergic to cheese even though I'm not sure
not physically
pretend grandma myrle is watching
sometimes
miss people (just a few)
hate cell phones
sunbathe on picnic tables
tell people im allergic to cheese even though I'm not sure
Slice me up Sunday
I just realized that France said they would put me up in an apartment with a kitchen but i dont cook.
I think people in Paris cook all the time. Cooking if probably quite normal. Maybe I should sign up for a cooking class.
A man yesterday:
him: "you are moving to Paris, you better hold your nose"
me: "Oh cause they dont curb their dogs?"
him: "No"
waiting
waiting
waiting
(then i walked away, he was done. And not that I finish many thoughts, especially on here, but he could have offered up ANYTHING even resembling a point dont you think?)
My neighboor told me her mom likes to talk just to talk. Apparently this woman could hold a conversation with Osama or even a blackberry bush all the same. So you can see why I was interested in joining them for dinner last night just to witness this phenomenon. So there we were at dinner and the conversation had been flowing smoothly. We placed our orders with the waitress, sat there sipping our drinks, and there it was, the first moment of silence. It lasted about 3 seconds....
"I like spinach" she said.
HAHAHAH. I tried so hard to hold in my laughter. Soo hard, i promise if there was any way to NOT laugh, i would have done it, but it was too good. There was NO context, just a blanket statement of loving spinach (no ones order even included spinach, I dont remember seeing spinach on the menu). But the thing is, that I love spinach tooo so I had to share this with her and that was basically the only thing i could do to keep from bursting into a laughing fit. Eve was almost crying, covering her face to stop the laughter. Her parents are so awesome. Especially her dad, he looks like a young Dustin Hoffman and has the most soothing voice ever.
Ok enough of this nonesense. I need to skate.
I think people in Paris cook all the time. Cooking if probably quite normal. Maybe I should sign up for a cooking class.
A man yesterday:
him: "you are moving to Paris, you better hold your nose"
me: "Oh cause they dont curb their dogs?"
him: "No"
waiting
waiting
waiting
(then i walked away, he was done. And not that I finish many thoughts, especially on here, but he could have offered up ANYTHING even resembling a point dont you think?)
My neighboor told me her mom likes to talk just to talk. Apparently this woman could hold a conversation with Osama or even a blackberry bush all the same. So you can see why I was interested in joining them for dinner last night just to witness this phenomenon. So there we were at dinner and the conversation had been flowing smoothly. We placed our orders with the waitress, sat there sipping our drinks, and there it was, the first moment of silence. It lasted about 3 seconds....
"I like spinach" she said.
HAHAHAH. I tried so hard to hold in my laughter. Soo hard, i promise if there was any way to NOT laugh, i would have done it, but it was too good. There was NO context, just a blanket statement of loving spinach (no ones order even included spinach, I dont remember seeing spinach on the menu). But the thing is, that I love spinach tooo so I had to share this with her and that was basically the only thing i could do to keep from bursting into a laughing fit. Eve was almost crying, covering her face to stop the laughter. Her parents are so awesome. Especially her dad, he looks like a young Dustin Hoffman and has the most soothing voice ever.
Ok enough of this nonesense. I need to skate.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Forget the rumors
If you have been listening, you might have heard that a certain inez of a certain blog is depressed, lonely, cracked up, overexposed, but I'm sorry, what, whats that you say? you are too doped up on pain killers that you cannot understand? thats ok. today was the perfect dosage of skating, jeff and jeff, then two santa clause hours in the darkroom on 14th. i had the place to myself. no interuptions, no cell phones, just me and my negatives of times past. i used all my paper up and you say i never write about good things.....
When your friends dont get you
From: Inez
Sent: Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:19 AM
To: Caro
Subject: RE: Halloween
caro, i need your help. i need to make a list of everyone
From: Caro
Sent: Thu 10/18/2007 11:30 AM
To: Inez
Subject: RE: Halloween
everyone?? Well is going to be very hard to get the spelling of people living in asia.
I think if i make a few calls to my people, we should be able to get a roster for the entire south america.
I could get my cousin get me a list of central america people.
you should be able to get people in the north and canada, please include french people
We could ask fernando to get the spanish people
Chichi should be able to get some people from africa
we still need to cover australia (ask LS) and north and south pole.
are penguins included in this roster??
*******************************************************************************
God damn I love Caro. No matter what kind of nonsense I write her, she is always there to respond. I will miss that girl more than she will ever know. She is one of the few people that has made me laugh more than any other little ecuadorian could. she is good stuff.
Sent: Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:19 AM
To: Caro
Subject: RE: Halloween
caro, i need your help. i need to make a list of everyone
From: Caro
Sent: Thu 10/18/2007 11:30 AM
To: Inez
Subject: RE: Halloween
everyone?? Well is going to be very hard to get the spelling of people living in asia.
I think if i make a few calls to my people, we should be able to get a roster for the entire south america.
I could get my cousin get me a list of central america people.
you should be able to get people in the north and canada, please include french people
We could ask fernando to get the spanish people
Chichi should be able to get some people from africa
we still need to cover australia (ask LS) and north and south pole.
are penguins included in this roster??
*******************************************************************************
God damn I love Caro. No matter what kind of nonsense I write her, she is always there to respond. I will miss that girl more than she will ever know. She is one of the few people that has made me laugh more than any other little ecuadorian could. she is good stuff.
Monday, October 15, 2007
monday
You took a class on how to read people
was that at the learning annex?
i told you i was leaving
isnt that enough?
why does the level of detail not satisfy?
i sat on the steps of a brownstone
watching you stop in front of me and try to find your friends
i dont speak what you speak
i tried to make out the level of your crisis by your tone of voice
to the left of me was simone
i knew the tailor who had my wedding dress was within a block or two
i longed for the future as i sat in the past
on the way home i thought about painting
i looked in the paint box
the excuses come so easy
no newspaper
did you take that class with tina
have you looked in the mirror and practiced on yourself
why do you carry that saxophone if you are just gonna talk on your cell phone
i see these questions make you just as uncomfortable as my answers
was that at the learning annex?
i told you i was leaving
isnt that enough?
why does the level of detail not satisfy?
i sat on the steps of a brownstone
watching you stop in front of me and try to find your friends
i dont speak what you speak
i tried to make out the level of your crisis by your tone of voice
to the left of me was simone
i knew the tailor who had my wedding dress was within a block or two
i longed for the future as i sat in the past
on the way home i thought about painting
i looked in the paint box
the excuses come so easy
no newspaper
did you take that class with tina
have you looked in the mirror and practiced on yourself
why do you carry that saxophone if you are just gonna talk on your cell phone
i see these questions make you just as uncomfortable as my answers
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