trash in my head

the world is buzzing. im a failure. at many things. of this i was reminded yesterday. and NOT in a bad way, but a real way. And i KNOW that this friend never used the word failure and she used all the disclaimers, she said everything right and it made me think. I'm 32 years old. And if you ask me "are you where you want to be in life?" I will say "where is that?"

Cause I dont fucking have a clue. I never did and I probably never will. The truth is I dont think of myself as a failure when I'm with myself. But in the company or comparison of others, I know where I stand. I'm called Doctor Inez by other doctors but I know who I am. And I know, at least here at the hospital, where I stand on the list of important people. It means more to me to be thought of on the same level as a doctor than to be a doctor. This is just something I tell myself to feel better.

I feel totally exposed to this man. I feel like I'm on the operating table with my spleen poking out. I told him I missed him. It hasn't been that long since I saw him. I am so young sometimes. I know he wont say it back. I secretely want him to but its ok. I will be ok. I'm always worried about everything. Like a fool.