break

im taking a break for a while from this.
and thats that

taking the long way home

saturday nite i had a date with the sexy older man.

we sat at the trailer bar of trailer park and he told me almost everything. he was so open. i was myself which means he knows almost everything about me too. i told him about my total spine. he told me he wrote some screen plays. i later emailed him a picture (of my spine) and heres his response:

Inez,
Suddenly I feel like I know even more about you. About what you are really like on the inside..

It is amazing!

S.O.M.

Enough to make me want to see him again. i love that feeling where you hardly know someone yet you feel like you've known them forever. i know these feelings are like that HIV/AIDS commercial with the pink balloons. they look so pretty for a second, then they all pop. love being fleeting. get tested. well sure. why not but the message is clear. so this feeling i feel. i am really enjoying it.

Dead man's switch

Sometimes I go over moments in my mind. Moments I wish i hadn't the ability to speak or move or see. I wish i could just stop, rewind and retry. like at rehearsal dinner for my friend S. thats the night of the infamous lip bruising kiss from the lip bruiser. the thing is, i should have just let go and walked away RIGHT after the dancing. dear god that was some of the sexiest most mouth watering most desirable most incredulicious dancing i have ever done with a man. im talking INTENSE....and so right after, i should have released the dead man's switch.

that stops everything. we use it here in radiology. when the doctors cannot talk, they release the switch. and i need one of these switch's for my life. maybe i should check craigslist.

its only tuesday

I'm not even sure why I pressed the button to start a post. I dont feel that full of thoughts. In fact, I have been telling people lately exactly how I feel. I wrote the russian and said hello. He said he'd been thinking about me. Its been over a month. this means something dont you think?

im a firm believer in a few things:

a. letting people off the train before i enter
b. someday my ship will come in
and c. that when i want something bad enough, i WILL do everything i can to get it.

so this is why i told the russian its not enough. he's not even close to giving me enough. the truth is, the poet, he set the bar high. the next man who enters my life will have a LOT to measure up against. my friend L said the poet relationship was good because i finally caught a glimpse of how i should be treated, how i DESERVE to be treated.

so why did i even write the russian? god knows why i do anything.

-loneliness?
-boredom?
-who the hell even cares.

its over. we have this one guy in contention. i met him in the city. he's at least 20 years older than me. divorced, no children. totally hot. very nice. he will get a dinner. we already made out once in a cab. but we were both drunk and it was late. haha.

on another note, i always carry a song with me (on the ipod) to help the smiling and the day...there are some i wouldnt share, too embarrasing, but heres the latest one and you wouldnt believe how nice a waltz sounds when you are squirming through the masses in the morning rush with the crane lifting the cement pourer over your head:

"Waltz (Better Than Fine)"

If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine


-fiona apple