i spent a good part of the morning laughing with one of my dearest friends G. He's also my landlord and one of the smartest guys I know. Anyway, he moved away and is back for a visit and i forgot how funny he is. We were driving out to his storage space in Jersey to retrieve an in apartment air conditioner for the summer.
we talked about assumptions. more specifically all the assumptions i have made lately. especially with this guy. in that moment the last time i saw him when he stood there and said he could not explain, I simply assumed it was over, he was ending it, and I walked away with this assumption in my pocket. I continue to assume this even today. There were at least two people, who had heard the story, who told me they didn't really think it was a "dumping" or even a "break up". But I have carried these assumptions around with me and continue to do so.
I didn't realize these were my choices. I thought the choices were already made for me. I assumed since he could not speak he was too weak of a man to just break up with me so I let him off the hook by leaving. Theres still a good chance this assumption is correct but its mine and I own it. G says that we are in control of our lives. we have the power to make choices that will affect our future. while he is saying I'm wondering why I just walked away. Why didn't I insist he explain or tell him to think it over and then explain later. Instead I was convinced by nothing (essentially) that it was all over. "I" made the choice. Not him. Not anyone but me.
Of course I hated having all these realizations fed to me on the Jersey state highway but I'll take what I can get.
a special note and thank you to goncalo!
i write cause i need to. so thank you.
1 comment:
That's familliar, too. I get myself into corners, all on my own, close things down for myself and the other person.
Still, if they don't come and find me in those corners, or worse, they believe my version of what's happening, it's still all over. I often wonder how much of what hurts me is stuff I've engineered. Almost all of it, I suspect. Still, picking the guy who doesn't know if he loves me/can't love me/loves me but is very angry at me/pretends he loves me but really hates me...sure, I engineered my misery, and picked a perfect, unchangeable accomplice.
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