gotta say how i feel

I usually rollerblade only to the intrepid and return. I haven't had the something to go further. All I know is that when I got there today, nose frozen, legs burning, ears popping I knew that I couldn't stop. I kept going. I smiled as good as I could considering the weather. Lately in my life I have had this energy I've never felt before. Its like I'm waking up from some lifelong hibernation. I feel different and crazy and alive for the first time. Sometimes I cant even speak. And its like I can actually feel my molecules.

I feel like I'm in love. I feel love like its never been felt. I want to shout it and scream it. My hands shake when I think about it (like right now hard to type.)
Ive never felt so scared and so satisfied.

This man. I call him by his last name because I wanted to be the only one. And last night I sat on his friends white sofa and the room wanted to know everything. Questions about life and your first sexual experience and the wine was endless. And then it was said. I had already suffered minor strokes knowing he was 3 years younger than me but I let them subside. And then.

As if Sasha (one of the guests) picked up the wine opener and threw it directly at my soul, someone said his age. It wasn't the age I was lead to believe. And now he was seven years younger than me. Seven years of getting to know oneself and figuring out life a bit more and seven years of dating and fucking and exploring and drug use. Seven years that I not only lived already but was tired of. Some friends say I need to subtract four years for the time I was with ex. I was numb. I am certain he could see this and his friend Lillie could as well. She was so good and trying so hard to comfort me.

So you should all see the confusion. And its so easy to speak up loudly and tell me that age doesn't matter. I remember in college with my first love. We were together 5 years and he spent all of them "finding himself". I took the path apparently less taken which was to simply find a job and live normally. No creative energy came out of me. I was afraid of everything and kept alone. I have always been almost alone. Mostly alone. I need it. I'm resting quietly with finding out who I am. Sharing my life, sharing my freedom, exploring my freedom, embracing my freedom, sheltering my heart, opening my heart. fuck. its like a fucking lifetime movie.

I made it up to 125th with the GW bridge just feet away. There was a roundabout in the path and I took it. back home and with my head mostly cleared up. The sun beat down on me and I never felt so alive.

Round and round.