Ive been thinking alot about my "tag line" on nerve.com
It says "Will look you in the eyes"
I cant look people in the eyes right now. And I remember what I meant by that. Cause there is a certain amount of honesty and integrity in a person when they can look right at you. Not just during sex but in all aspects of life together. Telling a story, standing in line. And its not some deep profound crap about seeing into someones soul, its just being fucking...
REAL.
just letting people know the real me. After the ex break up, I walked around for a while with my head down. I didn't like me and I wasn't prepared to let anyone else like or not like me either. FN never really saw out of his eyes. He may have looked at me but he wouldn't let me look at him. His life was not ready for people to look at him.
I took my friends advice today and wandered around alone. I decided to finally see the bodies exhibit (which by the way was not great. would it KILL them to show the aortic arteries!! JEESH) at the seaport. I was tempted to get a headset so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. I didn't look up from reading anything. I pretended I was alone. On the way in I glanced at the cute guy at the top of the escalator but not long enough to let him see me. There might not be any great places left to meet guys. I am cold about getting back on nerve but while I walk around with my head down, truth is, all I see is empty streets with the occasional couple walking their dogs and babies.
So far I haven't had much luck with online dating. Are the single people left in this city only virtual bodies with eyes that can't see through the screen? Are we so scared of our own real lives that we make up new ones on the internet just to meet people?
Sundays not over yet and I dont know about you but my tummy is sure in the mood for a sundae! :)
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
The last Straw
I dont know what type of fire I evoked in FN but he would not let it go. He continued to text me and call me. When I got off work last night I had a new text and the LONGEST voicemail in the history of the world. It is so long that I will just have to summarize. Basically he CONTINUED to vent to me about how he was "just checking for me" on nerve. Just digging deeper into this most ridiculous lie. I had ENOUGH. All the way home I crafted up in my head the "response" I wasnt goin to say anything at all but he had evoked a FIRE IN ME and he was going to get an earful. I will say, about my response, that some friends thought it was too nice and not mean enough. But this is what I said:
"well FN, i didn't want to have to do this but you will not let up. see, im a good person. a nice person and i was not going to point out all the things you did wrong and the reasons you hurt me but now, you will hear them. you have driven me to this.
for starters, you don't want me. that was clear starting when you returned from the west coast, more clear last week and "clearest" on monday night when we went out. the only reason you want me now is because I don't want you. Think about that.
secondly, you are a liar!!! you UPDATED your profile on nerve with new pics and you were online when i checked which is SO MUCH MORE than logging on to see if i was on there. which, if you checked, i was not. I cant believe I have to point this out to you when its such an obvious lie.
and the reason i say you don't want me is for so many reasons. but let me point out that we made plans last wednesday and you didn't even care enough about me to WRITE them down or REMEMBER them. that hurt. it hurt more than finding out that you had some tattoo appointment and didn't care enough to share with me the story behind it or leading up to it and you hesitated to even tell me what "appointment" you even had like it was some big secret.
And further....when i called you on this, when i expressed that it upset me, when i emailed you to clarify, you completely blew it off, turned it into a joke, that hurt too. your TONE was that I was the crazy one for even questioning you.
You seemed to care about me and my life in the beginning which made me feel good but where i first noticed you pulling away was when I made that blog for you and poured out details about my life and how i felt about you and you gave me NOTHING in return.
you didn't even follow up on things i told you when you did return.
you don't ask me anything other than "how you doin" and it seems so much like you really dont care if i even answer. im not sure what it is you are even fighting for, monday night was IT the last shred of evidence that you didnt care.
you looked right through me when i talked you introduced me as "friend" to john you seemed disinterested in anything i had to say which made me not even want to talk.
you repeated to me stories you had clearly told me before. AGAIN, you didnt even care to remember you told me those things before.
you DROVE me by johns restaurant twice and i knew who he was yet you tell me these things as if i never knew. dont blame it on a bad memory because, FN, when you CARE about someone in the RIGHT way, you WILL remember what you told them and be excited about telling them new things and different things. it was like our first date all over again minus the goosebumps.
and I KNOW you dont even remember saying to me "i will call you tomorrow after my interview" because I waited and waited and waited all fucking day and night and it WAS that night that i decided you simply werent interested anymore and it was that same night that I knew I wasn't on your list of people to call and tell about the interview. I knew that night that I simply wasnt important enough. you said you would call.
just like you you had agreed to go out with me last saturday night and you didnt even bother to write that down.
listen to what im saying here. its clear to me. dont fight for this because you dont want me. and if this is your version of wanting me, then its not enough. not even close and i cant tell you what "it" is. when the right woman comes along, you will just want it all, want to know everything, you will stop the questioning and the trust issues. im not that person and thats ok
you say that i "dumped" you before. clearly you didnt realize what i was even going through. that wasnt about you at all. i told you i wasnt ready for a relationship. i WAS HONEST with you rather than just blowing you off.
i knew the drama in my life wouldnt warrant me to give you all that i think you needed or deserved in a relationship and THATS why i told you i couldnt see you.
I think your life right now is just as hard. you are clearly going through some heavy shit. i would have appreciated you telling me you couldnt hold your own in this relationship and we should take a break but instead, you simply pulled away and quite frankly, that was cowardly. but i dont think thats the whole reason you pulled away.
otherwise you wouldnt have actively put yourself back out there on nerve.
cause, FN, THAT IS what you did. you werent checking for me. i didnt mean enough for you to check. thats why you updated your profile and turned it on again. dont lie to yourself or to me anymore
This will be the last time you hear from me and as you said on the last phone call, you wont be contacting me again, please respect that.
inez"
I sent that and went to bed. He spent the entire afternoon and into the evening exhausting me. And this morning here is his response:
My life is fucked up and me with it Inez. You're lucky you're out of it.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.
Goodbye,
FN.
HAHA. I laugh. I think its funny. Its exactly the kind of response I was looking for. I DID care about him and I felt bad about his life. He was totally lost and I could relate to this on many levels. So I wanted to be clear in my letter that, yes, he hurt me, but he has much bigger problems in his own life than me. I will be fine.
In conclusion, I dont think I will be hearing from FN anymore. I have learned a few things about men, namely:
-the "fade out" technique
-he certainly lied and didn't do it very well
-and I think the one that through me off the most was when he all of a sudden wanted me only because I didn't want him.
My friend K pointed out that I did this as well when he started backing off and I guess its just some sick mind game. One footnote though, I didn't fight for him. I havent found the guy I will fight for yet.
But he's out there.
"well FN, i didn't want to have to do this but you will not let up. see, im a good person. a nice person and i was not going to point out all the things you did wrong and the reasons you hurt me but now, you will hear them. you have driven me to this.
for starters, you don't want me. that was clear starting when you returned from the west coast, more clear last week and "clearest" on monday night when we went out. the only reason you want me now is because I don't want you. Think about that.
secondly, you are a liar!!! you UPDATED your profile on nerve with new pics and you were online when i checked which is SO MUCH MORE than logging on to see if i was on there. which, if you checked, i was not. I cant believe I have to point this out to you when its such an obvious lie.
and the reason i say you don't want me is for so many reasons. but let me point out that we made plans last wednesday and you didn't even care enough about me to WRITE them down or REMEMBER them. that hurt. it hurt more than finding out that you had some tattoo appointment and didn't care enough to share with me the story behind it or leading up to it and you hesitated to even tell me what "appointment" you even had like it was some big secret.
And further....when i called you on this, when i expressed that it upset me, when i emailed you to clarify, you completely blew it off, turned it into a joke, that hurt too. your TONE was that I was the crazy one for even questioning you.
You seemed to care about me and my life in the beginning which made me feel good but where i first noticed you pulling away was when I made that blog for you and poured out details about my life and how i felt about you and you gave me NOTHING in return.
you didn't even follow up on things i told you when you did return.
you don't ask me anything other than "how you doin" and it seems so much like you really dont care if i even answer. im not sure what it is you are even fighting for, monday night was IT the last shred of evidence that you didnt care.
you looked right through me when i talked you introduced me as "friend" to john you seemed disinterested in anything i had to say which made me not even want to talk.
you repeated to me stories you had clearly told me before. AGAIN, you didnt even care to remember you told me those things before.
you DROVE me by johns restaurant twice and i knew who he was yet you tell me these things as if i never knew. dont blame it on a bad memory because, FN, when you CARE about someone in the RIGHT way, you WILL remember what you told them and be excited about telling them new things and different things. it was like our first date all over again minus the goosebumps.
and I KNOW you dont even remember saying to me "i will call you tomorrow after my interview" because I waited and waited and waited all fucking day and night and it WAS that night that i decided you simply werent interested anymore and it was that same night that I knew I wasn't on your list of people to call and tell about the interview. I knew that night that I simply wasnt important enough. you said you would call.
just like you you had agreed to go out with me last saturday night and you didnt even bother to write that down.
listen to what im saying here. its clear to me. dont fight for this because you dont want me. and if this is your version of wanting me, then its not enough. not even close and i cant tell you what "it" is. when the right woman comes along, you will just want it all, want to know everything, you will stop the questioning and the trust issues. im not that person and thats ok
you say that i "dumped" you before. clearly you didnt realize what i was even going through. that wasnt about you at all. i told you i wasnt ready for a relationship. i WAS HONEST with you rather than just blowing you off.
i knew the drama in my life wouldnt warrant me to give you all that i think you needed or deserved in a relationship and THATS why i told you i couldnt see you.
I think your life right now is just as hard. you are clearly going through some heavy shit. i would have appreciated you telling me you couldnt hold your own in this relationship and we should take a break but instead, you simply pulled away and quite frankly, that was cowardly. but i dont think thats the whole reason you pulled away.
otherwise you wouldnt have actively put yourself back out there on nerve.
cause, FN, THAT IS what you did. you werent checking for me. i didnt mean enough for you to check. thats why you updated your profile and turned it on again. dont lie to yourself or to me anymore
This will be the last time you hear from me and as you said on the last phone call, you wont be contacting me again, please respect that.
inez"
I sent that and went to bed. He spent the entire afternoon and into the evening exhausting me. And this morning here is his response:
My life is fucked up and me with it Inez. You're lucky you're out of it.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.
Goodbye,
FN.
HAHA. I laugh. I think its funny. Its exactly the kind of response I was looking for. I DID care about him and I felt bad about his life. He was totally lost and I could relate to this on many levels. So I wanted to be clear in my letter that, yes, he hurt me, but he has much bigger problems in his own life than me. I will be fine.
In conclusion, I dont think I will be hearing from FN anymore. I have learned a few things about men, namely:
-the "fade out" technique
-he certainly lied and didn't do it very well
-and I think the one that through me off the most was when he all of a sudden wanted me only because I didn't want him.
My friend K pointed out that I did this as well when he started backing off and I guess its just some sick mind game. One footnote though, I didn't fight for him. I havent found the guy I will fight for yet.
But he's out there.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
THAT BASTARD
So last night with friends K and S, the consensus was to just allow FN to fade me out. Reverse fade him out at the same time. Peacefully we both go in our directions and fade away.
Now, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you know, I agreed to wait until November 17 to date again. But that didn't mean I couldnt update my profile on Nerve. Which I went to do today. Now let me be very clear that my profile is "turned off" meaning...that no one can view it or see it. No one can even contact me at all. Its like I dont exist. But in the background, I can update my profile with new stuff.
While I'm there, I decide to check FN's profile just for fun. Fully expected his to be turned off as it was a few weeks ago when HE asked me to be exclusive.
WELL
WELLL
WELLLLLLLLLLLL
NOT ONLY WAS HE BACK ON NERVE
HE WAS BACK IN FULL FORCE
UPDATED PICS
UPDATED TEXT
ONLINE AT THAT MOMENT
FULLY BACK
what did that mean? It mean't he's looking to date others. It means he doesn't want to be exclusive. It mean't all the fading away that up until now I assumed he was doing, was in fact, AS TRUE AS CAN BE!!! My blood started to boil.
I blocked him immediately which was my initial intention.
I know that nerve has this feature where you can see "who" views you and if he checks this, then he can see that i viewed him. And if he saw I viewed him then he KNOWS I CAUGHT HIM.
Within a half hour of seeing him on nerve, he text's me "How are you today"
BLOOD BOILING
STEAMING
BODY SWEATING
PULSE PULSATING
WHAT DID I DO? I ignored it. then i went around, as i always do, asking anyone in site what i should do. The plan is to ignore him for as long as it takes. Should he begin to stalk me, which I doubt he will, I will just tell him how I feel.
My coworker, a 32 year old male, just told me "All men take women for granted"
What the FUCK. Now its SO COMMON to take a woman for granted, men just flat out have no problem not covering up this feature. Its NOT a selling point PEOPLE!!!
Now, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you know, I agreed to wait until November 17 to date again. But that didn't mean I couldnt update my profile on Nerve. Which I went to do today. Now let me be very clear that my profile is "turned off" meaning...that no one can view it or see it. No one can even contact me at all. Its like I dont exist. But in the background, I can update my profile with new stuff.
While I'm there, I decide to check FN's profile just for fun. Fully expected his to be turned off as it was a few weeks ago when HE asked me to be exclusive.
WELL
WELLL
WELLLLLLLLLLLL
NOT ONLY WAS HE BACK ON NERVE
HE WAS BACK IN FULL FORCE
UPDATED PICS
UPDATED TEXT
ONLINE AT THAT MOMENT
FULLY BACK
what did that mean? It mean't he's looking to date others. It means he doesn't want to be exclusive. It mean't all the fading away that up until now I assumed he was doing, was in fact, AS TRUE AS CAN BE!!! My blood started to boil.
I blocked him immediately which was my initial intention.
I know that nerve has this feature where you can see "who" views you and if he checks this, then he can see that i viewed him. And if he saw I viewed him then he KNOWS I CAUGHT HIM.
Within a half hour of seeing him on nerve, he text's me "How are you today"
BLOOD BOILING
STEAMING
BODY SWEATING
PULSE PULSATING
WHAT DID I DO? I ignored it. then i went around, as i always do, asking anyone in site what i should do. The plan is to ignore him for as long as it takes. Should he begin to stalk me, which I doubt he will, I will just tell him how I feel.
My coworker, a 32 year old male, just told me "All men take women for granted"
What the FUCK. Now its SO COMMON to take a woman for granted, men just flat out have no problem not covering up this feature. Its NOT a selling point PEOPLE!!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The verdict tonight.
I'm STILL breaking up with him. He's out. I swear there is just no way that what we have "now" could be classified as a real relationship. And thats
'
what im looking for
isnt it? dont i want something real? dont i want something serious. yes. my friends. where are these men? should i switch teams? hell no. women are too fucking nuts. But I'm just
me
just looking for someone to not only LAugh at my jokes but GET them. I need someone who is worried about the burn mark on my neck and who cant WAIt to tell me about their new tattoo. What I have right now...is none of that.
And even if its HIS version of that, its not, simply, enough.
i need more
i need more
i need more
so now, starting tonight, I'm beginning an experiment. Via friend S and Friend K's suggestions. I will be spending my time alone. No man. No dates, No hook ups. Nothing. I will be completely with me until November 17th.
The question is. What the fuck. Even tonight, I was already asking my friends if they new any single men. I mean why can't I deal with being alone. What am I so afraid of????? Well thats the experiment. We shall all find out....
all of us
all trillion of my faithful readers.
jesus christ im kidding. see....the one that gets me is the one for me.
'
what im looking for
isnt it? dont i want something real? dont i want something serious. yes. my friends. where are these men? should i switch teams? hell no. women are too fucking nuts. But I'm just
me
just looking for someone to not only LAugh at my jokes but GET them. I need someone who is worried about the burn mark on my neck and who cant WAIt to tell me about their new tattoo. What I have right now...is none of that.
And even if its HIS version of that, its not, simply, enough.
i need more
i need more
i need more
so now, starting tonight, I'm beginning an experiment. Via friend S and Friend K's suggestions. I will be spending my time alone. No man. No dates, No hook ups. Nothing. I will be completely with me until November 17th.
The question is. What the fuck. Even tonight, I was already asking my friends if they new any single men. I mean why can't I deal with being alone. What am I so afraid of????? Well thats the experiment. We shall all find out....
all of us
all trillion of my faithful readers.
jesus christ im kidding. see....the one that gets me is the one for me.
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