who the hell am i

this weekend i shared a cigarette with a drag queen. But thats only cause she saw me rushing down the street sobbing and stopped me to ask whats wrong. I must have told her i was dumped and ugly and horrible and the worst person on earth and she was so tall and i was face to face with her giant boobs when she said

"Honey, please, you aint ugly, look up here. go on, look at me, you aint ugly"

the next thing i knew she disappeared and the bartender came out and asked what was wrong. i threw the cigarette down and rushed off again. then i was sitting at dinner last night with a sheet of paper and two columns. Trying to decide what reasons i should work at this new retail job. other than pays more and cute manager, i had nothing. and i texted my friend and asked her how i could be in paris with a good job by the end of summer. one more summer in new york.
of course, being completely fair she writes back "Y Paris? I don't get it. Do u want a fresh start? Inez, Annalisa. Feel like sometimes u wanna lose xxx..." (of course xxx being my real name.)

my friend at work says that there is no such thing as a drag queen on 59th st so she must have been my guardian angel. i like that thought. i think i'll stick with it.

anyway, yes, there is a lot of people i probably could be and wish i was. like i wish i was a doctor without borders and i wish i was an actress like meryl streep and a computer genius. and i wrestle with the conflicting thoughts of age versus time versus how can i not be anything in my life while everyone else is something. i am conflicted.
totally conflicted.
and jesus christ people, you walk out in the streets of new york and find 20 million people like and not like you and try not to think ever again. its impossible.