Likely against my better judgment, I just feel like blogging. I haven't been dating but not shockingly, there is always some crap with men going on. The last guy I was seeing fizzled out. And again, without any type of explanation.
I have wasted time wondering why, making assumptions, all that. And for what? I dont feel any better now. I have no resolution. I feel angry most of the time but I also hope it will pass.
Post him, I decided to take a very long break. I haven't been feeling well and I just dont think its a good idea to date anyone. I did, however, start talking with what I hoped would be a friend in this chat room online (not a dating site). I was there becaues I was depressed and hoped to talk it out with someone else. I guess we sort of enjoyed chatting with eachother. But soon after our chats, he made it clear that he was looking for someone, not just a friend, but more. I made it clear I was not. And then for some reason, we kept chatting. Mainly cause I enjoyed it and I guess so did he.
On some level I thought he understood I wanted to be just friends but based on his wanting to know what I looked like and what color my eyes were and all that physical stuff, I realized that he was hoping for more than friends. And maybe he thought i was as well. The problem was, I was selfish. I kept talkin to him because it made me feel better to have this friend (be it: virtual). I even indulged him on his physical questions for fear he would stop talking to me if I didnt.
This was my mistake. And it confused him of course.
So when he wanted to finally meet up in person, I declined and he was even more confused. We stopped talking on sunday.
The main thing I've noticed about myself is that in order to stop thinking about one guy I replaced him with another. I didn't intentially do this but I noticed talkin to the guy online did distract me from thinking about the other guy.
And I didn't intentionally mean to confuse or upset the online guy. I have got to stop talking to guys in general. I just need a break from men altogether until I can sort myself out.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
taking the long way home
saturday nite i had a date with the sexy older man.
we sat at the trailer bar of trailer park and he told me almost everything. he was so open. i was myself which means he knows almost everything about me too. i told him about my total spine. he told me he wrote some screen plays. i later emailed him a picture (of my spine) and heres his response:
Inez,
Suddenly I feel like I know even more about you. About what you are really like on the inside..
It is amazing!
S.O.M.
Enough to make me want to see him again. i love that feeling where you hardly know someone yet you feel like you've known them forever. i know these feelings are like that HIV/AIDS commercial with the pink balloons. they look so pretty for a second, then they all pop. love being fleeting. get tested. well sure. why not but the message is clear. so this feeling i feel. i am really enjoying it.
we sat at the trailer bar of trailer park and he told me almost everything. he was so open. i was myself which means he knows almost everything about me too. i told him about my total spine. he told me he wrote some screen plays. i later emailed him a picture (of my spine) and heres his response:
Inez,
Suddenly I feel like I know even more about you. About what you are really like on the inside..
It is amazing!
S.O.M.
Enough to make me want to see him again. i love that feeling where you hardly know someone yet you feel like you've known them forever. i know these feelings are like that HIV/AIDS commercial with the pink balloons. they look so pretty for a second, then they all pop. love being fleeting. get tested. well sure. why not but the message is clear. so this feeling i feel. i am really enjoying it.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Dead man's switch
Sometimes I go over moments in my mind. Moments I wish i hadn't the ability to speak or move or see. I wish i could just stop, rewind and retry. like at rehearsal dinner for my friend S. thats the night of the infamous lip bruising kiss from the lip bruiser. the thing is, i should have just let go and walked away RIGHT after the dancing. dear god that was some of the sexiest most mouth watering most desirable most incredulicious dancing i have ever done with a man. im talking INTENSE....and so right after, i should have released the dead man's switch.
that stops everything. we use it here in radiology. when the doctors cannot talk, they release the switch. and i need one of these switch's for my life. maybe i should check craigslist.
that stops everything. we use it here in radiology. when the doctors cannot talk, they release the switch. and i need one of these switch's for my life. maybe i should check craigslist.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
its only tuesday
I'm not even sure why I pressed the button to start a post. I dont feel that full of thoughts. In fact, I have been telling people lately exactly how I feel. I wrote the russian and said hello. He said he'd been thinking about me. Its been over a month. this means something dont you think?
im a firm believer in a few things:
a. letting people off the train before i enter
b. someday my ship will come in
and c. that when i want something bad enough, i WILL do everything i can to get it.
so this is why i told the russian its not enough. he's not even close to giving me enough. the truth is, the poet, he set the bar high. the next man who enters my life will have a LOT to measure up against. my friend L said the poet relationship was good because i finally caught a glimpse of how i should be treated, how i DESERVE to be treated.
so why did i even write the russian? god knows why i do anything.
-loneliness?
-boredom?
-who the hell even cares.
its over. we have this one guy in contention. i met him in the city. he's at least 20 years older than me. divorced, no children. totally hot. very nice. he will get a dinner. we already made out once in a cab. but we were both drunk and it was late. haha.
on another note, i always carry a song with me (on the ipod) to help the smiling and the day...there are some i wouldnt share, too embarrasing, but heres the latest one and you wouldnt believe how nice a waltz sounds when you are squirming through the masses in the morning rush with the crane lifting the cement pourer over your head:
"Waltz (Better Than Fine)"
If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm
If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine
If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine
-fiona apple
im a firm believer in a few things:
a. letting people off the train before i enter
b. someday my ship will come in
and c. that when i want something bad enough, i WILL do everything i can to get it.
so this is why i told the russian its not enough. he's not even close to giving me enough. the truth is, the poet, he set the bar high. the next man who enters my life will have a LOT to measure up against. my friend L said the poet relationship was good because i finally caught a glimpse of how i should be treated, how i DESERVE to be treated.
so why did i even write the russian? god knows why i do anything.
-loneliness?
-boredom?
-who the hell even cares.
its over. we have this one guy in contention. i met him in the city. he's at least 20 years older than me. divorced, no children. totally hot. very nice. he will get a dinner. we already made out once in a cab. but we were both drunk and it was late. haha.
on another note, i always carry a song with me (on the ipod) to help the smiling and the day...there are some i wouldnt share, too embarrasing, but heres the latest one and you wouldnt believe how nice a waltz sounds when you are squirming through the masses in the morning rush with the crane lifting the cement pourer over your head:
"Waltz (Better Than Fine)"
If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm
If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine
If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine
-fiona apple
Friday, March 30, 2007
need to blog
i spent a good part of the morning laughing with one of my dearest friends G. He's also my landlord and one of the smartest guys I know. Anyway, he moved away and is back for a visit and i forgot how funny he is. We were driving out to his storage space in Jersey to retrieve an in apartment air conditioner for the summer.
we talked about assumptions. more specifically all the assumptions i have made lately. especially with this guy. in that moment the last time i saw him when he stood there and said he could not explain, I simply assumed it was over, he was ending it, and I walked away with this assumption in my pocket. I continue to assume this even today. There were at least two people, who had heard the story, who told me they didn't really think it was a "dumping" or even a "break up". But I have carried these assumptions around with me and continue to do so.
I didn't realize these were my choices. I thought the choices were already made for me. I assumed since he could not speak he was too weak of a man to just break up with me so I let him off the hook by leaving. Theres still a good chance this assumption is correct but its mine and I own it. G says that we are in control of our lives. we have the power to make choices that will affect our future. while he is saying I'm wondering why I just walked away. Why didn't I insist he explain or tell him to think it over and then explain later. Instead I was convinced by nothing (essentially) that it was all over. "I" made the choice. Not him. Not anyone but me.
Of course I hated having all these realizations fed to me on the Jersey state highway but I'll take what I can get.
a special note and thank you to goncalo!
i write cause i need to. so thank you.
we talked about assumptions. more specifically all the assumptions i have made lately. especially with this guy. in that moment the last time i saw him when he stood there and said he could not explain, I simply assumed it was over, he was ending it, and I walked away with this assumption in my pocket. I continue to assume this even today. There were at least two people, who had heard the story, who told me they didn't really think it was a "dumping" or even a "break up". But I have carried these assumptions around with me and continue to do so.
I didn't realize these were my choices. I thought the choices were already made for me. I assumed since he could not speak he was too weak of a man to just break up with me so I let him off the hook by leaving. Theres still a good chance this assumption is correct but its mine and I own it. G says that we are in control of our lives. we have the power to make choices that will affect our future. while he is saying I'm wondering why I just walked away. Why didn't I insist he explain or tell him to think it over and then explain later. Instead I was convinced by nothing (essentially) that it was all over. "I" made the choice. Not him. Not anyone but me.
Of course I hated having all these realizations fed to me on the Jersey state highway but I'll take what I can get.
a special note and thank you to goncalo!
i write cause i need to. so thank you.
Monday, March 26, 2007
this blog is about not being afraid
im FULL of fears. i secretely feed off the creativity of others. sometimes its the sadness of others. either way, at times, many times, i feel like i have no identity. in the past month with this guy, i started to see something in myself. i LOVED this something. i felt smart and good and funny and even pretty.
and now i have to figure out how to continue seeing this person in me without the help of that guy. alone with my thoughts. this has proved dangerous in the past. i see cranes dropping and machines exploding. i see swat teams jumping out of helicopters and buses running me over.
i used to walk 100 blocks with my friend jody and we'd be in this bubble. nothing could get in, we were LOST in our world. our thoughts. we were surrounded by this energy. i feel like the last month of my life was in a bubble.
when im alone, i pretend im that same bubble and someone is with me. i pretend they see the same sunset, the same shadow, strange mustache, broken window. when i saw the magnificent crane on saturday with the shadows of men walking so high up in the sky, i pretended i wasn't alone. i longed for someone to race down the path with. i can see someone there with me but they have no face and they are nameless. its a blurred person.
my memory is a diseased soul. it hates me.
jody remembered everything. every single detail. she would tell me stories of bike rides we would take and songs we made up and i would not remember any of it.
my fear is that i will forget how i was with this poet. i will not know how to be that person i really liked in me. i fear my creative energy will die out. i fear it is already dying. im fighting with myself and my depression. im pushing it back. im avoiding it.
i feel addictions to speed and need my blades more and more.
i feel like i cannot be here anymore
i feel dangerous and out of control
and calm and its not enough.
nothing seems enough anymore.
these are the faces of me that i hate people reading.
and now i have to figure out how to continue seeing this person in me without the help of that guy. alone with my thoughts. this has proved dangerous in the past. i see cranes dropping and machines exploding. i see swat teams jumping out of helicopters and buses running me over.
i used to walk 100 blocks with my friend jody and we'd be in this bubble. nothing could get in, we were LOST in our world. our thoughts. we were surrounded by this energy. i feel like the last month of my life was in a bubble.
when im alone, i pretend im that same bubble and someone is with me. i pretend they see the same sunset, the same shadow, strange mustache, broken window. when i saw the magnificent crane on saturday with the shadows of men walking so high up in the sky, i pretended i wasn't alone. i longed for someone to race down the path with. i can see someone there with me but they have no face and they are nameless. its a blurred person.
my memory is a diseased soul. it hates me.
jody remembered everything. every single detail. she would tell me stories of bike rides we would take and songs we made up and i would not remember any of it.
my fear is that i will forget how i was with this poet. i will not know how to be that person i really liked in me. i fear my creative energy will die out. i fear it is already dying. im fighting with myself and my depression. im pushing it back. im avoiding it.
i feel addictions to speed and need my blades more and more.
i feel like i cannot be here anymore
i feel dangerous and out of control
and calm and its not enough.
nothing seems enough anymore.
these are the faces of me that i hate people reading.
Friday, March 23, 2007
not quite there
How do i go from "i cant believe i met this amazing man" to "i cant believe he invited me to dinner with his friends only to dump me right on the street after"
have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.
who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?
what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....
COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna
a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.
i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...
I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.
i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.
the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha
i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.
my one true love.
mr. divney please unwrap him.....
have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.
who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?
what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....
COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna
a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.
i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...
I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.
i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.
the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha
i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.
my one true love.
mr. divney please unwrap him.....
at dinner last night
With three of my favorite people in the world (A, E and G). And G tells me to blog about 5 things I've done. He says this is a good excersize for me. And so here is todays blog. 5 things I have done. So we didnt finish the conversation cause the guacamole man came to the table but I think I know what he means. However, just as a warm up list of 5. I think I'll do since I woke up this morning.
1. Cursed the loquacious weather woman on channel 7. god she is so wrong. i walked out of the house in a winter raincoat and a bathing suit. CAN SHE JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!!!
2. Febreezed and put on my gray running pants for the 5th day in a row. What? they are comfortable.
3. Rode the elevator down, up and back down again. (forgot nano charger)
4. watched the crane lower a GIANT red contraption almost on TOP of a man who was eating a bagel and pretending to steer the red contraption.
5. drank the most tallest cup of iced coffee (assuring i will never get an abdomen scan today dammit...)
1. Cursed the loquacious weather woman on channel 7. god she is so wrong. i walked out of the house in a winter raincoat and a bathing suit. CAN SHE JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!!!
2. Febreezed and put on my gray running pants for the 5th day in a row. What? they are comfortable.
3. Rode the elevator down, up and back down again. (forgot nano charger)
4. watched the crane lower a GIANT red contraption almost on TOP of a man who was eating a bagel and pretending to steer the red contraption.
5. drank the most tallest cup of iced coffee (assuring i will never get an abdomen scan today dammit...)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
not really sure how to blog about mild happiness
but im not totally sad. i go through bits and pieces of unhappiness
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down
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