what do you want to hear

Did you come here to read about how happy I am? How wonderful being single is? How I cannot wait to move to Paris?

NO. You came here cause you want the truth. And cause I'm (mostly) not afraid to tell it straight.

Ok so on the west side path, right as I'm approaching the totally GORGEOUS column-aide area which sits on a cliff and overlooks the hudson and is pretty much the coolest view I've ever seen, I got super sad. TERRIBLY SAD. I almost cried. But I fought it, I fought for the tears TO COME out. God dammit, I am so sick of being sad. I want the tears OUT OF MY BODY! But they wouldn't come. They were not ready I guess. Why? I dont know. What I do know is that sadness is there so that happiness MEANS more. I need it. I crave it. How can I be happy all the fucking time. I was there to burn off the energy. To see the red lighthouse. Because its a story. I like stories and this is the story of how far I skated. How I need competition and how I can skate to the cloisters faster than your stupid local train reminding you not to ride on the outside.

And I wasn't going to tell you this. I was refraining from talking sad. I didn't want you to know about it. But tonight a friend agreed that I should NOT call/email/fax the lawyer I met on the subway and it was RIGHT then that I knew I was not letting lonliness rule my life. I knew that I was making choices based on hard core truths and not dreams of kissing lips.

damn the truth
damn the truth

Go ahead readers and push back the fear, the sadness, release it in the bag around your carrier piggeon and let it fly away. I will handle all residual feeling and skate it up north, leave it at the GW bridge.

And under that bridge is the cute saxophone player who never plays his saxophone but sits near it looking totally hot. I had to smile. I DID smile. and maybe cause he might as well be in alaska.

I dont want to live here anymore but I cant stand leaving.