Poor bastards

You know how sometimes people say that, in this GIANT New York city, it is so easy to feel completely and utterly "alone"? Well, as of lately, I totally understand what those poor bastards feel like. Its TRUE. yes. me. with all my friends and all my imagination, I feel empty.

You know the empty like when your nephew takes a kitchen fork and attempts to hollow out a huge pumpkin but he ends up piercing that orange biotch into a million little indentions and carvings. sure it looks nice with the lit candle inside but he's left so much pumpkin residue that now its caught fire and you are lucky he didn't kill little suzy the pet tortoise who thought it was dinner.

Mostly I just sit around the apartment moving from space to space as if its a 4 bedroom duplex and pretend im in a completely different part of my studio even though I can literally reach with the length of one arm into the previously occupied space. I watch a lot of movies, go online in search of something i cant pinpoint exactly (a man? a new website on paris? an email from someone suprising? a new person to chat with?) and then when none of that comes true, i walk away, sleep, drink, strange part is, i never spend any time looking out the window. in fact, they are completely covered most of the time by my curtains. theres not a whole lot to look at honestly.

i told brian, at my local bar, tonight i was "bored". he always wants to know whats going on and i guess he expects me to come in and start telling him exciting stories but i kinda shocked him. he asked why and honestly, i felt like the music stopped and everyone got quiet for a moment. I had essentially no response. I rattled something about being in limbo but I didn't expect to have to fend for my declaration.

Anyway, I want to sign the papers, I want whats not real to be real. I need this clarification. It prolly wont change much accept maybe I'll sleep more. My dreams are getting out of control. I had the spider one again.

The im totally awake one. I woke up at 12:30 (thinking its more like 3:30) and I'd been to bed MAYBE 15 minutes, into some insane dream and i jumped up, looked back at my pillow and this time the spider was crawling over it. I could see it. I saw it. I swear. But after a moment, I looked and couldnt find it. Then of course I couldnt get back to sleep cause I feared the spider would be lingering around. This is the third spider dream.

or spider awakening. not sure what to call it. but its number three and im countin.

tonight i got a massage. 10 of the quickest moments in the history of the world. dammit. But it was sure nice to be touched by a strong handsome asian immigrant. He didn't do it tonight but he sure knows about massaging the head like nobodys business.