Snappish

Ok so i snapped at Jeff tonight. Truth is, he is getting on my nerves. Who is Jeff? Jeff is this INCREDIBLE nyc skater who I first heard about and then met whilst on one of my marathon skates. In fact, I see him almost everyday and I stopped once and introduced myself. He taught me a few moves. Then came the others, his two friends who also skate with him. One 19 year old aussie and a forty somethin never married bronx man who makes beads and lives with his parents. They are this odd little trio of skaters thoroughly enjoying every minute they get to skate.

Sometimes I would hang out for a while and we'd chat it up. Its been a few months now, we have gotten to know eachother more. I found out that Jeff is married and my age. He never speaks of his wife and he wears his wedding ring on his thumb. I noticed he spends almost ALL his time skating and she's never come. He says its not her thing and they are "comfortably" extreme independents with their own lives yet somehow they remain married. He has also hinted at that she needed citizenship (8 years ago) and I think that he may have married her for that but maybe, at least, initially he was in love with her. Part of me thinks there is no way he can be happily married and mainly I think its because I have been there. With my ex fiance, we were completely different and yet we both kept telling ourselves it was ok. I mean, I hardly know Jeff so who am I to judge. I just see this sadness in him and I see it in the others too. But I'll get to them in a second.


Recently, they have all started to completely annoy me. Let me explain...theres this path that sort of circles around where we skate. And they have this sort of imaginary clock they've turned it into so whenever they see some "hot" chick, they speak to eachother in terms of what time she falls into. At first, I was amused by this mainly cause I never really noticed it before. But once you start to really pay attention to the type of women that run/walk/skate/bike on this path, you see that its constant rush hour of hot women. They even have names for the women: Dimples - some chick who is so in shape she has dimples in her back
Angus - some chick with extra meat which they love
Jailbait - do i have to explain?
and then variations, theirs "senior dimples" who is an older version of regular dimples, theres mini angus, theres at least 3 jailbaits. And the list goes on. Well now its to the point where I can hardly have a conversation with any of these guys without them GAUKING and yelling out the time of some hot chick. And you see, they can live their lives however they want. What bothers me is that when I make fun of them for practically losing conciousness over the hotness of some chick, they get all defensive and try to justify over and over how they are really appreciating women and its a compliment to women and how they dont discriminate and also, and especially for "married" Jeff, how he has every right to admire other women. And I agree, he can admire. But if I was his wife and witnessed this CONSTANT nightly female admiration club, I would likely start to wonder if something is not quite fullfilling in his life.

My friend Christine says I'm just at a different place right now and they dont get it. I'm incredibly lonely and nervous a lot. I used to get great satisfaction from skating all the time and releasing these thoughts but now I get annoyed just THINKING about these guys. I thought about why I stopped and why I got to know these guys in the first place. And the truth is, I feel so distant from my friends cause we have such different lives now that I thought I could make some new ones. And now I am just bored with these guys. They really have little to offer me. And instead of feeling good about myself, I leave feeling wierd. Like I started sizing myself up against some of these women and I felt inadequate. And I hate that feeling. And whats worse, I have NO REASON to feel that way.

And tonight I snapped at Jeff cause I told him about this biker who yelled at me:

"So this asshole biker yelled at me tonight"

And his response essentially assured me he was not paying any attention. He cuts me off "Oh so OK, so did you wink and smile at him"

"Uhh no, why would I..."

Cuts me off again "You should have winked and worked on your smile" (these guys always talk over eachother. oftentimes they are all talking at the same time, to eachother, not paying any attention to what the other is saying)

I previously told him about this cute guy I have seen skating up and down the path and he wants me to smile at him. But the asshole biker had NOTHING to do with that. Sometimes I think he has a one track mind. So I kinda snapped "WHY would I wink and smile at an ASSHOLE biker"

He got big eyed and sort of looked at me alarmingly. I felt bad but what the hell.

This holding tank lifestyle is really not my thing. I'm starting to lose my mind. I need to move. dammit GE and France...i want to MOVE!!!!!