not quite there

How do i go from "i cant believe i met this amazing man" to "i cant believe he invited me to dinner with his friends only to dump me right on the street after"

have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.

who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?

what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....

COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna

a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.

i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...

I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.

i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.

the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha

i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.


my one true love.

mr. divney please unwrap him.....