Long before the wedding happened I reviewed in my head who was a potential man for me. And the truth is, Hoboken was in the running. I knew he was single and I remembered the talk we had out in Southampton one weekend which was nice and he seemed sweet. In my head, he was definitely a potential. I didn't build it up but I was excited and nervous to see him. In fact, the first night I got REALLY nervous for some reason and I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. Anyway, we briefly talked at the actual rehearsal. Sat together at the dinner and engaged in group conversation about poop and how much you would have to be paid to eat 3 poops.
but when we got to the hotel bar later and it was a moment for him to talk to just me, what was his first line (are you even ready?):
"So which girl in here would you sleep with?"
and suddenly, I felt ill. I felt like a brick had just fallen from the sky and pierced my head first and then jammed into my gut. I immediately changed my brain from "potential" to "maybe he's a good kisser" and then later in the evening to "I've got to get out of here"
It only took that one line to completely reverse me. Sure I humored him and answered and we talked more and then went to this god awful club at the other end of the hotel and started dancing (which I thought would at least sober me up). He bought me a damn shot which I couldn't even drink. We did end up kissing and at this point good kissing is well, lip mutilation. I mean the last three guys I've kissed during this dating phase have all been excellent kissers. But the next day my lips are almost completely skin less. Good kissers just suck the hell out of you. But in this good way, I don't know how to describe it really I mean I have dry skin already but this Hoboken guy actually BRUISED my lip. Which I noticed in Bloomingdales the next day when I was getting my make up done. And three other witnesses saw the bruise (once I pointed it out to them) but it was there. He also lifted my hair and bit the back of my neck sort of raw like. It was nice but I was still sick and needed to leave.
So the other guy from the wedding, he opens with "anything worth looking at down there" as I leaned on the balcony staring at Chelsea and the Hudson river. It was a good one and I indulged him and we chatted. I knew about him already. The rumor by many at the party was that he was currently getting divorced and it was messy. He told me he was already divorced. He was an actor teacher and
I was just somewhere else the whole time. I told him I was broken (I mentioned that before) I felt like the more open I was with him, the more engaged he seemed. I decided that I can potentially make a damn good impression on people when they first meet me. Even when I'm broken. I think my personality is well developed and while I'm not generally censored as much as I should be, I feel like I can pick up on people's behaviors and alter my conversation to fit theirs. It sometimes leaves me feeling identity-less. But I guess that's ok. I mean I know who I am. I have always known who I am. And I'm very open with people which I think makes them feel loved or good or warm or something. It also makes me less mysterious but I also sometimes know when mystery is good too.
Like with this new nerve guy. I have been thinking about him ever since our last date. I have actually thought so much about him I have excited myself. Haha. But I haven't called him or emailed him or anything because I think as excited as I am, he is 100x's that and I just know this cause of the way he looked at me and the things he said to me. I know he's too involved already and I have to find a way to stop that. Because I AM still broken and as much as I want someone to love me THAT much, I know that I'm not ready for it. And he doesn't even know me well enough and I don't know him well enough.
But here's what I thought about. His opening line. And then I remembered Hoboken pointed out this totally nasty bridge and tunnel girl to me that he wanted to approach and he asked me what should be his opening line. It took me a minute to dissolve the fact that he was interested in such a complete slut (not kidding, you should have seen this girl - sorry to judge but I have friends who would vouch for me) and that he was actually concerned about what to say to such a girl. But then I thought of it. It was the same line that the new French nerve fed me which was as perfect as it gets and I turned to Hoboken and said
"I've got it. Ready?"
"Hi"
And with that. I smiled. I thought of the rest of the night with French. The stories we told each other, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke about his life and his friends and his family. The way after our kiss, he looked at me and said it again "Hi" and I melted. In certain moments like those, I feel like everything is ok and I think its ok to feel that way.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow night.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Kiss Me Badly
ok so last night. we all know i had a date with a non nerve guy. he is a work friends friend. yes. a YOUNG 29 year old (almost 30) hedge fund guy who turned out to be SO MUCH MORE during the date.
so i walk into this joint where im meeting him early and assume that he will be late or is not there, i chat it up with the 3 hostesses whilst scouting around for potentially him. theres a bar to my left and sofas to my right...i head for the bathroom eyes still searching...nothing. the bathroom was supposed to allow me to check the nose for snot and any other facial problems but it was too damn dark and useless so i go back upstairs and head for the sofas. in the corner sofa i spot a cutish guy alone on the sofa and think to myself (damn cute guy but where is the one im meeting). I also notice he looks up at me or beyond me or whatever. And I begin to walk toward him and aim for this big black leather chair. As I pass this column I notice in the corner of my eye that this cutish guy is now starring at me and I'm feeling shy....then STUPID!! ITS HIM!!!! for christs sake its totally him...
haha
he's been there, he already had a beer. He spotted me and was trying to make eye contact. I feel so silly. Ok so I shake his hand and rush around the sofa to sit down. He's cute. seems tall. I'm looking him dead in the eye but my peripheral vision is on point tonight and I spot his left hand shaking. I immediately think he's nervous as hell and wonder why. With all the email confidence, maybe that was just email and in person he's a nervous wreck but somehow seeing that calmed me down and I didn't feel so nervous all of a sudden. So we chatted, he tried to explain hedge funds, I got lost and didn't get it at all and my mouth just turned into a jellyfish. I could no longer make complete sentences, remember what mutual funds i had or even my name. He picks up his beer with the right hand and thats shaking too. I guess I didn't know how nervous a man could get.
His voice was cracking too. CRACKING!!
Ok so we chatted more, then he mumbled something and got up and walked away. I assumed he went to the bathroom. lol. When he came back he sat closer to me. Then the pizza came and i got up to use the bathroom before eating. We ate and then with my leg, my bag in between me and him he leans in allll the way and plants a kiss on me!!!!
SHOCKING!!! i mean seriously. we JUST met and it wasnt the end of the date, it was the middle. It threw me off. Jellyfish were flying out of my mouth at this point. I messed up his college with another rival college, I told him im either crazy hyper or totally comatose with no inbetween, after family talk i admitted to a jailbird brother, my crazy blog, dating, art I cant draw...jesus i was jellyfishing like a FOOL! but somewhere in that mess he looked right at me and said I was funny. That was cute.
So the problem is that he cant kiss. I just wasnt sure why. And the jelly then dropped out of my mouth when I noticed him trembling while kissing me and whispered that he shouldnt be nervous which then prompted him to tell me his shaking was a serious neurological problem!!!!
There was a point where I could not say anymore and in those moments the kissing continued. I guess I was hoping he could improve and yet with each kiss it didnt.
So what I know. so he cant kiss. is that so bad? no, i dont think so. I dont know actually is it? of the people I have polled at work so far, some say this will never change. he will always be a bad kisser, and others say i can teach him.
I dont know. as far as i see it, two questions remain:
1. does bad kissing count as a deal breaker?
2. does bad kissing mean bad in other areas?
ok so now lets talk about the positive. this guy is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i mean seriously, he's got morals values he's not a pothead and he fucking genuinly cares about people. but he's edgy too and confident and even likes old people. and ART! he's beyond smart about stuff but seriously does not come across that way. i mean he doesnt come across dumb but not cocky you know. (ps, this is the type of jellyfish rambling i got myself into with him last night)
ok anyway. if it doesnt work out with hedgefund, I still have some banter accumulating with this one nerve guy I really think is cool. However, I struggled to get him to actually ask me out. Short little emails about him being sick and his job and whatever was goin on with me were a flyin and I just couldnt take it and stopped emailing. then two days go by and he surfaces to ask if his emails had once again fell into my spam folder. Which they hadn't, so i responded boldly:
"actually i was waiting for you to ask me out!! lol. ;)"
ok so apparently just MILKING this sickness of his, he comes back:
"I will, just as soon as I regain my breathing capabilities :)"
oye vey, then me:
"Wow, who would have thought I could take your breath away virtually! :)
(kidding of course)
are you going away for the holidays?"
now the third line was my (failed) way of trying to increase commication or get a dialogue of some sort that we had before...
him:
"Don't know yet. There is no warrant pending for me as far as I know, so I'm probably not going away."
NOTHING...this man is losing me...im losing interest. im losing everything. hours went by and somehow i just forgot to eat lunch. so i went to the cafe as they were about to close and they were OUT of turkey burgers... I REPEAT OUT OF TURKEY BURGERS.....
so then this man gets an email back from me...the "do or die" email. the email that will require a much thought out clever response and if not then im afraid he will be cast aside and here we go:
"im hungry and there are no more turkey burgers left in the world.
ok ok, exagerated i know but thats my lunch and i missed it and now its gone. so i must go find food. im using this email as my own personal online diary (hope you dont mind) about hunger and how theres too much chocolate in the department. I had a mint earlier but its not helping. I have routed out the closest food establishments in my mind but none seem worthy of leaving the building. Theres tacos, sushi, subway, two delis, and this indian place but wheres the turkey burger place....yes, thats right, it does not exist. Does this warrant me a day off as I cant work properly if I have no food. I think it does.
since you have no voice or breath, I will be the voice of the proletariat
-the inez"
and that ends this thursday with no response yet.
Please have a good night my friends...
so i walk into this joint where im meeting him early and assume that he will be late or is not there, i chat it up with the 3 hostesses whilst scouting around for potentially him. theres a bar to my left and sofas to my right...i head for the bathroom eyes still searching...nothing. the bathroom was supposed to allow me to check the nose for snot and any other facial problems but it was too damn dark and useless so i go back upstairs and head for the sofas. in the corner sofa i spot a cutish guy alone on the sofa and think to myself (damn cute guy but where is the one im meeting). I also notice he looks up at me or beyond me or whatever. And I begin to walk toward him and aim for this big black leather chair. As I pass this column I notice in the corner of my eye that this cutish guy is now starring at me and I'm feeling shy....then STUPID!! ITS HIM!!!! for christs sake its totally him...
haha
he's been there, he already had a beer. He spotted me and was trying to make eye contact. I feel so silly. Ok so I shake his hand and rush around the sofa to sit down. He's cute. seems tall. I'm looking him dead in the eye but my peripheral vision is on point tonight and I spot his left hand shaking. I immediately think he's nervous as hell and wonder why. With all the email confidence, maybe that was just email and in person he's a nervous wreck but somehow seeing that calmed me down and I didn't feel so nervous all of a sudden. So we chatted, he tried to explain hedge funds, I got lost and didn't get it at all and my mouth just turned into a jellyfish. I could no longer make complete sentences, remember what mutual funds i had or even my name. He picks up his beer with the right hand and thats shaking too. I guess I didn't know how nervous a man could get.
His voice was cracking too. CRACKING!!
Ok so we chatted more, then he mumbled something and got up and walked away. I assumed he went to the bathroom. lol. When he came back he sat closer to me. Then the pizza came and i got up to use the bathroom before eating. We ate and then with my leg, my bag in between me and him he leans in allll the way and plants a kiss on me!!!!
SHOCKING!!! i mean seriously. we JUST met and it wasnt the end of the date, it was the middle. It threw me off. Jellyfish were flying out of my mouth at this point. I messed up his college with another rival college, I told him im either crazy hyper or totally comatose with no inbetween, after family talk i admitted to a jailbird brother, my crazy blog, dating, art I cant draw...jesus i was jellyfishing like a FOOL! but somewhere in that mess he looked right at me and said I was funny. That was cute.
So the problem is that he cant kiss. I just wasnt sure why. And the jelly then dropped out of my mouth when I noticed him trembling while kissing me and whispered that he shouldnt be nervous which then prompted him to tell me his shaking was a serious neurological problem!!!!
There was a point where I could not say anymore and in those moments the kissing continued. I guess I was hoping he could improve and yet with each kiss it didnt.
So what I know. so he cant kiss. is that so bad? no, i dont think so. I dont know actually is it? of the people I have polled at work so far, some say this will never change. he will always be a bad kisser, and others say i can teach him.
I dont know. as far as i see it, two questions remain:
1. does bad kissing count as a deal breaker?
2. does bad kissing mean bad in other areas?
ok so now lets talk about the positive. this guy is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i mean seriously, he's got morals values he's not a pothead and he fucking genuinly cares about people. but he's edgy too and confident and even likes old people. and ART! he's beyond smart about stuff but seriously does not come across that way. i mean he doesnt come across dumb but not cocky you know. (ps, this is the type of jellyfish rambling i got myself into with him last night)
ok anyway. if it doesnt work out with hedgefund, I still have some banter accumulating with this one nerve guy I really think is cool. However, I struggled to get him to actually ask me out. Short little emails about him being sick and his job and whatever was goin on with me were a flyin and I just couldnt take it and stopped emailing. then two days go by and he surfaces to ask if his emails had once again fell into my spam folder. Which they hadn't, so i responded boldly:
"actually i was waiting for you to ask me out!! lol. ;)"
ok so apparently just MILKING this sickness of his, he comes back:
"I will, just as soon as I regain my breathing capabilities :)"
oye vey, then me:
"Wow, who would have thought I could take your breath away virtually! :)
(kidding of course)
are you going away for the holidays?"
now the third line was my (failed) way of trying to increase commication or get a dialogue of some sort that we had before...
him:
"Don't know yet. There is no warrant pending for me as far as I know, so I'm probably not going away."
NOTHING...this man is losing me...im losing interest. im losing everything. hours went by and somehow i just forgot to eat lunch. so i went to the cafe as they were about to close and they were OUT of turkey burgers... I REPEAT OUT OF TURKEY BURGERS.....
so then this man gets an email back from me...the "do or die" email. the email that will require a much thought out clever response and if not then im afraid he will be cast aside and here we go:
"im hungry and there are no more turkey burgers left in the world.
ok ok, exagerated i know but thats my lunch and i missed it and now its gone. so i must go find food. im using this email as my own personal online diary (hope you dont mind) about hunger and how theres too much chocolate in the department. I had a mint earlier but its not helping. I have routed out the closest food establishments in my mind but none seem worthy of leaving the building. Theres tacos, sushi, subway, two delis, and this indian place but wheres the turkey burger place....yes, thats right, it does not exist. Does this warrant me a day off as I cant work properly if I have no food. I think it does.
since you have no voice or breath, I will be the voice of the proletariat
-the inez"
and that ends this thursday with no response yet.
Please have a good night my friends...
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