I Had An MRI Last Night

I didn't actually go into the scanner however.

there's a handful of emotions people go through before a scan. Even if you are not claustrophobic, when the table starts to move you into the bore and you are suddenly surrounded on all sides, I imagine even the most together people take a deep deep breath.

Yesterday the anxiety started early. This Saturday I am going back there. There is where I lived, where my life had been figured out. The old apartment where ex still lives. I'm going to pack my belongings and get them ready for when I actually move out. The day I completely move out, I would rather be all packed up and just ready to go. So I collected as many friends as I could and have been making arrangement's with ex so that he would be out. Yesterday I had to make the final arrangement's with him which meant I had to email him.


Deep breath...


Just the process of how to start the email, what is the appropriate thing to even begin with. Hi, Hello, Hey, blah. And then to end it. -me would have been the old way. He signed an email that way before. I just left it blank. Hi in the beginning and nothing in the end. He knows who I am and I hope he knows why I cant sign it. -AnnaLisa would be just rude. Other than just making arrangements, I threw in a line about how hard it will be....


...Its going to be a weird/awkward day I'm sure but I need to get it over with...


Maybe that was kinda odd to say but then again, I'm pretty odd. A few minutes later he responded.
And the anxiety started to build as he asked too many questions prompting yet another email. UGH. I just answered his questions and that was that.


Deep Breath....


For the next four hours, like some cancer patient, I sat and thought too hard about the outcome. The diagnosis. Will I be ok? Will I make it one more month? What will I let go of? I have so many things but I know I will need to let go of them.

By 4 I was completely anxious. I went and had a coffee. I bought a new phone. I went to the bathroom six hundred times. I could feel my insides turning.

Then the anti anxiety medicine was delivered at Del Posto (in the Enoteca) and the nurses were my closest friends. A "tasting" dinner with generous portions of "tasting" wines...

Falinghina with the Calamari Fritti

DonnaLuna with the Tortelli

and Rubrato Aglianico with the Pork Loin

LemonGello's were served with dessert.

I had enough medicine in me for three scans but it only made it worse.

I started home, started my thoughts again. I was alone.

The worst part of the scan is waiting for it to begin. You sit and wait forever until they call you in. The wait for the F train was beyond too long. I could hardly stand up. My legs were losing energy. I finally got on the train. I don't remember the ride home. I don't remember walking to the street. I don't remember which arm my bag was on.

At 12:28am, the text came through:

"Did u never really love me like u thought or was it just how i freaked out that disenchanted u? i wonder...." -ex


Suddenly I was on the table laying flat on my back and it was moving into the scanner. Everything was closing in. I had to face it. He was forcing me to face it. And this tsunami started rising from the base of my spine up my back and out my eyes. I was on 8th Ave. I was walking and I couldn't breathe. I felt my lungs collapsing. I tried to dial a friend, then another, I couldn't feel my hands. I couldn't breathe.


I never told him I never loved him but then how did he know. I never used those words. I never told anyone I never loved him. And never is much to strong. I loved him for a time. But I remember the day it stopped. I'm not sure the blog is ready for that day though. Lets ease into this.


Deep breath....


I had to stop on my block to try and breathe. It didn't help. My lungs were mad. They were pulsing fast and I had to get home. I started walking faster. I could see the streets were empty but the scan had just started. I got inside and up the stairs and kept going...To the roof. I thought it would help me to sit down up there. I was breathing harder now. Faster. The tsunami was flooding my face. I got up, and walked right into my roommates room. She was in the shower I could hear but I sat on her bed. I got up, sat on my bed, more tsunami's. I tried to focus on my buddy list and see who could help. Gay Jinzo. I told him I couldn't breathe. He said I must be breathing if I could type. I know I shouldn't have but I texted nerve#1 "i cant breath" I didn't even spell breathe right. I got up. Back over to roommates bed. Buried my face in my hands.

She comes out and in a towel. I was so sorry but I couldn't help it. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted her to help me breathe. She held my hand, then my back. I knew it was awkward for her. I also knew she understood. She had divorced and the pain still lingers within her. She handed me a glass of water which I couldn't drink. My lungs wouldn't let me. Then my fingers were tingling. My legs were tingling. I was losing feeling. My back started tingling. Something was happening to me I couldn't explain.

Shallow breaths kept coming. I tried deep ones. I tried not to think about it. I finally told her about the text. I told her it was true. I didn't love him and then what I'd hoped would be the final tsunami just went up my spine and out my eyes. I said it which had made it true. I thought about how my mom said I hadn't "dealt" with the ex situation. And even if its not in the way she wants me to feel which is to be mad and hurt at HIM, at least I was dealing with the anger and hurt that I feel towards ME. I hated myself. I hated the 4 years I was dead. I hated how the door was open to me to walk away early on and I let him back in.

Deep breath...


The roommate let me talk. Then she told me about her coworker. Then I peed and closed my door and tried to sleep. I don't remember how that happened but I read the next text at 5am.


"please please dont feel guilty for having emotions! or for figuring out a truth that isnt what yr supposed 2 expect. please do get in touch 2mrw...'night"

it was from the roommate. And finally I could breathe. If not perfectly at least slowly.