back from whereever

Likely against my better judgment, I just feel like blogging. I haven't been dating but not shockingly, there is always some crap with men going on. The last guy I was seeing fizzled out. And again, without any type of explanation.

I have wasted time wondering why, making assumptions, all that. And for what? I dont feel any better now. I have no resolution. I feel angry most of the time but I also hope it will pass.

Post him, I decided to take a very long break. I haven't been feeling well and I just dont think its a good idea to date anyone. I did, however, start talking with what I hoped would be a friend in this chat room online (not a dating site). I was there becaues I was depressed and hoped to talk it out with someone else. I guess we sort of enjoyed chatting with eachother. But soon after our chats, he made it clear that he was looking for someone, not just a friend, but more. I made it clear I was not. And then for some reason, we kept chatting. Mainly cause I enjoyed it and I guess so did he.

On some level I thought he understood I wanted to be just friends but based on his wanting to know what I looked like and what color my eyes were and all that physical stuff, I realized that he was hoping for more than friends. And maybe he thought i was as well. The problem was, I was selfish. I kept talkin to him because it made me feel better to have this friend (be it: virtual). I even indulged him on his physical questions for fear he would stop talking to me if I didnt.

This was my mistake. And it confused him of course.

So when he wanted to finally meet up in person, I declined and he was even more confused. We stopped talking on sunday.

The main thing I've noticed about myself is that in order to stop thinking about one guy I replaced him with another. I didn't intentially do this but I noticed talkin to the guy online did distract me from thinking about the other guy.

And I didn't intentionally mean to confuse or upset the online guy. I have got to stop talking to guys in general. I just need a break from men altogether until I can sort myself out.