Lonely

yesterday I sat at the airport in Chicago for almost 5 hours alone. Just waiting. My eyes kept looking around at all the men. They were everywhere and what made me feel lonely was what happened a few nights before.

I was at this conference and met up with these cute Slovenian guys. One of which I fooled around with back at my hotel room. We did not have sex but came pretty close. So I longed for affection and I got it. And the next day when I saw him again at the conference I guess I just figured out really how men seem to work. He said "maybe I'll see you around"

Ok I'm not stupid. I know exactly what that meant. And even in the moment I was able to play it very cool and smile and walk away pleasantly. It was later at the airport coming home that I spent too much time reflecting my behavior. Some clearly non-qualified waitress made me the worst latte ever and i thought I could sit at this restaurant looking all cute and single while drinking it but it was so bad....(i digress) I don't regret fooling around. He's probably a very nice guy but I guess I was just shocked that he was able to remove himself from anything that happened between us so quickly. I know this is nothing new to the world. We all have these stories but I am now experiencing these things first hand and well its lonely. And getting lonelier by the second.

So then I started thinking about this other friend that I fooled around with last week. I wonder if he feels the same way. Like before I left for the conference I saw him briefly and said we should "hang out" when I get back because I thought it would be fun to have more fun together. But now I'm wondering if he just handed me a courtesy response and now that we've fooled around he's maybe just done with me.

So the question is...what is this doing for me. Am I becoming a slut or is this how people "play the field"? Sew their oats...I think as time goes by its getting easier. But I still go home and long to find someone to be with. The affection though is nice. Really nice when you get it but it doesn't last.