who are we kidding

Frankly, all this SELF DISCOVERY I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is just stupid. I am sick of it. Truth is, I haven't tried really all that hard. I have, however, decided that I'm not that bad just being alone.

But what I think bothers me the most about this "rule" my friends have all instated and are strictly enforcing on me is that I have been there and done this for YEARS. For the better part of childhood, high school and the first 5 years of college I was in every sense of the word ALONE. I didn't date, didn't kiss, didn't have sex, I didn't even go to parties or drink. My first drink was in college on seamester, incidentally my first french kiss was right before seamester and my first sexual encounter (b.j.) was ON seamester.

The point is, I am so OVEr myself. over getting to know myself. While all my friends were dating and enduring perhaps one disastrous date after the other, I was sitting at home, alone, writing or reading or listening to music and obsessing over men I would never even look in the eye. Yes, so maybe they just wish that was them, but I WANT to get out there and date. Sure this is my first living alone situation and they bring up valid points about this as a huge Life change, I dont doubt this. But in the short lived "nerve" experience and even the VERY short lived non nerve hopeful dating experience, I secretly loved it.

Now I do recognize my need to constantly avoid myself but I have spent what I think is "enough" time evaluating the things I am apt to avoid and the truth is, they are just parts of me that I may not ever be able to tap into.

My friend K keeps tapping on my shoulder asking if I have ever even used my paints and canvas and brushes and I look back at her thinking maybe its just not right yet. Maybe Im not ready. I dont have ANY confidence in drawing or painting. I pick up a camera and it just feels right. but maybe I just figured since every one of my blood relatives has tapped into their artistic sides and can paint and draw that I should have this ability and maybe I just dont. I dont visualize paint on a canvas. I try to all the time. Especially during these moments when I'm alone and nothing comes to mind.

I'm at the self esteem level that I think I SHOULD date. I think I need it and I know I want it. I will take with me all the lessons from my friends who are black belts at it. But they have to remember that I never got those opportunities they did at the worst and the best of putting yourself out there to someone. Maybe my biggest problem in life is that I haven't ever allowed myself to really be vulnerable to anyone. not even Ex. not even ex. thats insane. a man i was ready to marry but he didnt even know me. didn't know what i really wanted and its not just cause of him, i didnt let him.

I think one appealing thing about french nerve and the turk was that i saw little bits of me "letting go" of my walls and boundaries. I liked the freedom that they allowed me to feel. I liked that whatever it was they were doing I felt free. I never felt that with ex. I want to continue letting myself be free in that way.

dont misread me. (and you know who you are). I'm not saying I need to go out and be some whore....and in the words of my most respected friend "the cajun" which I keep repeating over and over in my head, "just because a man wants to sleep with you, doesnt mean he "deserves" to" cause the type of freedom I'm talking about is that which most of my peers have developed over time. The idea that you let life unfold before you. You dont adhere to all the standards which I think ultimately just let you down.

sure I'm not perfect at dating, I have a LOT to learn yes indeed. I just liked how dating improved my self image. I feel good about myself. I feel happy and content with me and even if not EVery second of every day, dating let me tap into sides of me that have been hidden under some deep layer of the "strictly standard" inez which is not someone I enjoyed.

I hope that makes any sense. I've had two glasses of wine at the reception tonight. But mainly I'm just admitting this to you all now before this saturdays "game night" when I'm certain my friend K will bust me and tell everyone I have been back on nerve. Just emailing, not dating, but certainly violating the Nov 17th rule. I know I know.