Frankly, all this SELF DISCOVERY I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is just stupid. I am sick of it. Truth is, I haven't tried really all that hard. I have, however, decided that I'm not that bad just being alone.
But what I think bothers me the most about this "rule" my friends have all instated and are strictly enforcing on me is that I have been there and done this for YEARS. For the better part of childhood, high school and the first 5 years of college I was in every sense of the word ALONE. I didn't date, didn't kiss, didn't have sex, I didn't even go to parties or drink. My first drink was in college on seamester, incidentally my first french kiss was right before seamester and my first sexual encounter (b.j.) was ON seamester.
The point is, I am so OVEr myself. over getting to know myself. While all my friends were dating and enduring perhaps one disastrous date after the other, I was sitting at home, alone, writing or reading or listening to music and obsessing over men I would never even look in the eye. Yes, so maybe they just wish that was them, but I WANT to get out there and date. Sure this is my first living alone situation and they bring up valid points about this as a huge Life change, I dont doubt this. But in the short lived "nerve" experience and even the VERY short lived non nerve hopeful dating experience, I secretly loved it.
Now I do recognize my need to constantly avoid myself but I have spent what I think is "enough" time evaluating the things I am apt to avoid and the truth is, they are just parts of me that I may not ever be able to tap into.
My friend K keeps tapping on my shoulder asking if I have ever even used my paints and canvas and brushes and I look back at her thinking maybe its just not right yet. Maybe Im not ready. I dont have ANY confidence in drawing or painting. I pick up a camera and it just feels right. but maybe I just figured since every one of my blood relatives has tapped into their artistic sides and can paint and draw that I should have this ability and maybe I just dont. I dont visualize paint on a canvas. I try to all the time. Especially during these moments when I'm alone and nothing comes to mind.
I'm at the self esteem level that I think I SHOULD date. I think I need it and I know I want it. I will take with me all the lessons from my friends who are black belts at it. But they have to remember that I never got those opportunities they did at the worst and the best of putting yourself out there to someone. Maybe my biggest problem in life is that I haven't ever allowed myself to really be vulnerable to anyone. not even Ex. not even ex. thats insane. a man i was ready to marry but he didnt even know me. didn't know what i really wanted and its not just cause of him, i didnt let him.
I think one appealing thing about french nerve and the turk was that i saw little bits of me "letting go" of my walls and boundaries. I liked the freedom that they allowed me to feel. I liked that whatever it was they were doing I felt free. I never felt that with ex. I want to continue letting myself be free in that way.
dont misread me. (and you know who you are). I'm not saying I need to go out and be some whore....and in the words of my most respected friend "the cajun" which I keep repeating over and over in my head, "just because a man wants to sleep with you, doesnt mean he "deserves" to" cause the type of freedom I'm talking about is that which most of my peers have developed over time. The idea that you let life unfold before you. You dont adhere to all the standards which I think ultimately just let you down.
sure I'm not perfect at dating, I have a LOT to learn yes indeed. I just liked how dating improved my self image. I feel good about myself. I feel happy and content with me and even if not EVery second of every day, dating let me tap into sides of me that have been hidden under some deep layer of the "strictly standard" inez which is not someone I enjoyed.
I hope that makes any sense. I've had two glasses of wine at the reception tonight. But mainly I'm just admitting this to you all now before this saturdays "game night" when I'm certain my friend K will bust me and tell everyone I have been back on nerve. Just emailing, not dating, but certainly violating the Nov 17th rule. I know I know.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
sunday
Ive been thinking alot about my "tag line" on nerve.com
It says "Will look you in the eyes"
I cant look people in the eyes right now. And I remember what I meant by that. Cause there is a certain amount of honesty and integrity in a person when they can look right at you. Not just during sex but in all aspects of life together. Telling a story, standing in line. And its not some deep profound crap about seeing into someones soul, its just being fucking...
REAL.
just letting people know the real me. After the ex break up, I walked around for a while with my head down. I didn't like me and I wasn't prepared to let anyone else like or not like me either. FN never really saw out of his eyes. He may have looked at me but he wouldn't let me look at him. His life was not ready for people to look at him.
I took my friends advice today and wandered around alone. I decided to finally see the bodies exhibit (which by the way was not great. would it KILL them to show the aortic arteries!! JEESH) at the seaport. I was tempted to get a headset so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. I didn't look up from reading anything. I pretended I was alone. On the way in I glanced at the cute guy at the top of the escalator but not long enough to let him see me. There might not be any great places left to meet guys. I am cold about getting back on nerve but while I walk around with my head down, truth is, all I see is empty streets with the occasional couple walking their dogs and babies.
So far I haven't had much luck with online dating. Are the single people left in this city only virtual bodies with eyes that can't see through the screen? Are we so scared of our own real lives that we make up new ones on the internet just to meet people?
Sundays not over yet and I dont know about you but my tummy is sure in the mood for a sundae! :)
It says "Will look you in the eyes"
I cant look people in the eyes right now. And I remember what I meant by that. Cause there is a certain amount of honesty and integrity in a person when they can look right at you. Not just during sex but in all aspects of life together. Telling a story, standing in line. And its not some deep profound crap about seeing into someones soul, its just being fucking...
REAL.
just letting people know the real me. After the ex break up, I walked around for a while with my head down. I didn't like me and I wasn't prepared to let anyone else like or not like me either. FN never really saw out of his eyes. He may have looked at me but he wouldn't let me look at him. His life was not ready for people to look at him.
I took my friends advice today and wandered around alone. I decided to finally see the bodies exhibit (which by the way was not great. would it KILL them to show the aortic arteries!! JEESH) at the seaport. I was tempted to get a headset so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. I didn't look up from reading anything. I pretended I was alone. On the way in I glanced at the cute guy at the top of the escalator but not long enough to let him see me. There might not be any great places left to meet guys. I am cold about getting back on nerve but while I walk around with my head down, truth is, all I see is empty streets with the occasional couple walking their dogs and babies.
So far I haven't had much luck with online dating. Are the single people left in this city only virtual bodies with eyes that can't see through the screen? Are we so scared of our own real lives that we make up new ones on the internet just to meet people?
Sundays not over yet and I dont know about you but my tummy is sure in the mood for a sundae! :)
Friday, October 20, 2006
The last Straw
I dont know what type of fire I evoked in FN but he would not let it go. He continued to text me and call me. When I got off work last night I had a new text and the LONGEST voicemail in the history of the world. It is so long that I will just have to summarize. Basically he CONTINUED to vent to me about how he was "just checking for me" on nerve. Just digging deeper into this most ridiculous lie. I had ENOUGH. All the way home I crafted up in my head the "response" I wasnt goin to say anything at all but he had evoked a FIRE IN ME and he was going to get an earful. I will say, about my response, that some friends thought it was too nice and not mean enough. But this is what I said:
"well FN, i didn't want to have to do this but you will not let up. see, im a good person. a nice person and i was not going to point out all the things you did wrong and the reasons you hurt me but now, you will hear them. you have driven me to this.
for starters, you don't want me. that was clear starting when you returned from the west coast, more clear last week and "clearest" on monday night when we went out. the only reason you want me now is because I don't want you. Think about that.
secondly, you are a liar!!! you UPDATED your profile on nerve with new pics and you were online when i checked which is SO MUCH MORE than logging on to see if i was on there. which, if you checked, i was not. I cant believe I have to point this out to you when its such an obvious lie.
and the reason i say you don't want me is for so many reasons. but let me point out that we made plans last wednesday and you didn't even care enough about me to WRITE them down or REMEMBER them. that hurt. it hurt more than finding out that you had some tattoo appointment and didn't care enough to share with me the story behind it or leading up to it and you hesitated to even tell me what "appointment" you even had like it was some big secret.
And further....when i called you on this, when i expressed that it upset me, when i emailed you to clarify, you completely blew it off, turned it into a joke, that hurt too. your TONE was that I was the crazy one for even questioning you.
You seemed to care about me and my life in the beginning which made me feel good but where i first noticed you pulling away was when I made that blog for you and poured out details about my life and how i felt about you and you gave me NOTHING in return.
you didn't even follow up on things i told you when you did return.
you don't ask me anything other than "how you doin" and it seems so much like you really dont care if i even answer. im not sure what it is you are even fighting for, monday night was IT the last shred of evidence that you didnt care.
you looked right through me when i talked you introduced me as "friend" to john you seemed disinterested in anything i had to say which made me not even want to talk.
you repeated to me stories you had clearly told me before. AGAIN, you didnt even care to remember you told me those things before.
you DROVE me by johns restaurant twice and i knew who he was yet you tell me these things as if i never knew. dont blame it on a bad memory because, FN, when you CARE about someone in the RIGHT way, you WILL remember what you told them and be excited about telling them new things and different things. it was like our first date all over again minus the goosebumps.
and I KNOW you dont even remember saying to me "i will call you tomorrow after my interview" because I waited and waited and waited all fucking day and night and it WAS that night that i decided you simply werent interested anymore and it was that same night that I knew I wasn't on your list of people to call and tell about the interview. I knew that night that I simply wasnt important enough. you said you would call.
just like you you had agreed to go out with me last saturday night and you didnt even bother to write that down.
listen to what im saying here. its clear to me. dont fight for this because you dont want me. and if this is your version of wanting me, then its not enough. not even close and i cant tell you what "it" is. when the right woman comes along, you will just want it all, want to know everything, you will stop the questioning and the trust issues. im not that person and thats ok
you say that i "dumped" you before. clearly you didnt realize what i was even going through. that wasnt about you at all. i told you i wasnt ready for a relationship. i WAS HONEST with you rather than just blowing you off.
i knew the drama in my life wouldnt warrant me to give you all that i think you needed or deserved in a relationship and THATS why i told you i couldnt see you.
I think your life right now is just as hard. you are clearly going through some heavy shit. i would have appreciated you telling me you couldnt hold your own in this relationship and we should take a break but instead, you simply pulled away and quite frankly, that was cowardly. but i dont think thats the whole reason you pulled away.
otherwise you wouldnt have actively put yourself back out there on nerve.
cause, FN, THAT IS what you did. you werent checking for me. i didnt mean enough for you to check. thats why you updated your profile and turned it on again. dont lie to yourself or to me anymore
This will be the last time you hear from me and as you said on the last phone call, you wont be contacting me again, please respect that.
inez"
I sent that and went to bed. He spent the entire afternoon and into the evening exhausting me. And this morning here is his response:
My life is fucked up and me with it Inez. You're lucky you're out of it.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.
Goodbye,
FN.
HAHA. I laugh. I think its funny. Its exactly the kind of response I was looking for. I DID care about him and I felt bad about his life. He was totally lost and I could relate to this on many levels. So I wanted to be clear in my letter that, yes, he hurt me, but he has much bigger problems in his own life than me. I will be fine.
In conclusion, I dont think I will be hearing from FN anymore. I have learned a few things about men, namely:
-the "fade out" technique
-he certainly lied and didn't do it very well
-and I think the one that through me off the most was when he all of a sudden wanted me only because I didn't want him.
My friend K pointed out that I did this as well when he started backing off and I guess its just some sick mind game. One footnote though, I didn't fight for him. I havent found the guy I will fight for yet.
But he's out there.
"well FN, i didn't want to have to do this but you will not let up. see, im a good person. a nice person and i was not going to point out all the things you did wrong and the reasons you hurt me but now, you will hear them. you have driven me to this.
for starters, you don't want me. that was clear starting when you returned from the west coast, more clear last week and "clearest" on monday night when we went out. the only reason you want me now is because I don't want you. Think about that.
secondly, you are a liar!!! you UPDATED your profile on nerve with new pics and you were online when i checked which is SO MUCH MORE than logging on to see if i was on there. which, if you checked, i was not. I cant believe I have to point this out to you when its such an obvious lie.
and the reason i say you don't want me is for so many reasons. but let me point out that we made plans last wednesday and you didn't even care enough about me to WRITE them down or REMEMBER them. that hurt. it hurt more than finding out that you had some tattoo appointment and didn't care enough to share with me the story behind it or leading up to it and you hesitated to even tell me what "appointment" you even had like it was some big secret.
And further....when i called you on this, when i expressed that it upset me, when i emailed you to clarify, you completely blew it off, turned it into a joke, that hurt too. your TONE was that I was the crazy one for even questioning you.
You seemed to care about me and my life in the beginning which made me feel good but where i first noticed you pulling away was when I made that blog for you and poured out details about my life and how i felt about you and you gave me NOTHING in return.
you didn't even follow up on things i told you when you did return.
you don't ask me anything other than "how you doin" and it seems so much like you really dont care if i even answer. im not sure what it is you are even fighting for, monday night was IT the last shred of evidence that you didnt care.
you looked right through me when i talked you introduced me as "friend" to john you seemed disinterested in anything i had to say which made me not even want to talk.
you repeated to me stories you had clearly told me before. AGAIN, you didnt even care to remember you told me those things before.
you DROVE me by johns restaurant twice and i knew who he was yet you tell me these things as if i never knew. dont blame it on a bad memory because, FN, when you CARE about someone in the RIGHT way, you WILL remember what you told them and be excited about telling them new things and different things. it was like our first date all over again minus the goosebumps.
and I KNOW you dont even remember saying to me "i will call you tomorrow after my interview" because I waited and waited and waited all fucking day and night and it WAS that night that i decided you simply werent interested anymore and it was that same night that I knew I wasn't on your list of people to call and tell about the interview. I knew that night that I simply wasnt important enough. you said you would call.
just like you you had agreed to go out with me last saturday night and you didnt even bother to write that down.
listen to what im saying here. its clear to me. dont fight for this because you dont want me. and if this is your version of wanting me, then its not enough. not even close and i cant tell you what "it" is. when the right woman comes along, you will just want it all, want to know everything, you will stop the questioning and the trust issues. im not that person and thats ok
you say that i "dumped" you before. clearly you didnt realize what i was even going through. that wasnt about you at all. i told you i wasnt ready for a relationship. i WAS HONEST with you rather than just blowing you off.
i knew the drama in my life wouldnt warrant me to give you all that i think you needed or deserved in a relationship and THATS why i told you i couldnt see you.
I think your life right now is just as hard. you are clearly going through some heavy shit. i would have appreciated you telling me you couldnt hold your own in this relationship and we should take a break but instead, you simply pulled away and quite frankly, that was cowardly. but i dont think thats the whole reason you pulled away.
otherwise you wouldnt have actively put yourself back out there on nerve.
cause, FN, THAT IS what you did. you werent checking for me. i didnt mean enough for you to check. thats why you updated your profile and turned it on again. dont lie to yourself or to me anymore
This will be the last time you hear from me and as you said on the last phone call, you wont be contacting me again, please respect that.
inez"
I sent that and went to bed. He spent the entire afternoon and into the evening exhausting me. And this morning here is his response:
My life is fucked up and me with it Inez. You're lucky you're out of it.
I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.
Goodbye,
FN.
HAHA. I laugh. I think its funny. Its exactly the kind of response I was looking for. I DID care about him and I felt bad about his life. He was totally lost and I could relate to this on many levels. So I wanted to be clear in my letter that, yes, he hurt me, but he has much bigger problems in his own life than me. I will be fine.
In conclusion, I dont think I will be hearing from FN anymore. I have learned a few things about men, namely:
-the "fade out" technique
-he certainly lied and didn't do it very well
-and I think the one that through me off the most was when he all of a sudden wanted me only because I didn't want him.
My friend K pointed out that I did this as well when he started backing off and I guess its just some sick mind game. One footnote though, I didn't fight for him. I havent found the guy I will fight for yet.
But he's out there.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
THAT BASTARD
So last night with friends K and S, the consensus was to just allow FN to fade me out. Reverse fade him out at the same time. Peacefully we both go in our directions and fade away.
Now, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you know, I agreed to wait until November 17 to date again. But that didn't mean I couldnt update my profile on Nerve. Which I went to do today. Now let me be very clear that my profile is "turned off" meaning...that no one can view it or see it. No one can even contact me at all. Its like I dont exist. But in the background, I can update my profile with new stuff.
While I'm there, I decide to check FN's profile just for fun. Fully expected his to be turned off as it was a few weeks ago when HE asked me to be exclusive.
WELL
WELLL
WELLLLLLLLLLLL
NOT ONLY WAS HE BACK ON NERVE
HE WAS BACK IN FULL FORCE
UPDATED PICS
UPDATED TEXT
ONLINE AT THAT MOMENT
FULLY BACK
what did that mean? It mean't he's looking to date others. It means he doesn't want to be exclusive. It mean't all the fading away that up until now I assumed he was doing, was in fact, AS TRUE AS CAN BE!!! My blood started to boil.
I blocked him immediately which was my initial intention.
I know that nerve has this feature where you can see "who" views you and if he checks this, then he can see that i viewed him. And if he saw I viewed him then he KNOWS I CAUGHT HIM.
Within a half hour of seeing him on nerve, he text's me "How are you today"
BLOOD BOILING
STEAMING
BODY SWEATING
PULSE PULSATING
WHAT DID I DO? I ignored it. then i went around, as i always do, asking anyone in site what i should do. The plan is to ignore him for as long as it takes. Should he begin to stalk me, which I doubt he will, I will just tell him how I feel.
My coworker, a 32 year old male, just told me "All men take women for granted"
What the FUCK. Now its SO COMMON to take a woman for granted, men just flat out have no problem not covering up this feature. Its NOT a selling point PEOPLE!!!
Now, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As you know, I agreed to wait until November 17 to date again. But that didn't mean I couldnt update my profile on Nerve. Which I went to do today. Now let me be very clear that my profile is "turned off" meaning...that no one can view it or see it. No one can even contact me at all. Its like I dont exist. But in the background, I can update my profile with new stuff.
While I'm there, I decide to check FN's profile just for fun. Fully expected his to be turned off as it was a few weeks ago when HE asked me to be exclusive.
WELL
WELLL
WELLLLLLLLLLLL
NOT ONLY WAS HE BACK ON NERVE
HE WAS BACK IN FULL FORCE
UPDATED PICS
UPDATED TEXT
ONLINE AT THAT MOMENT
FULLY BACK
what did that mean? It mean't he's looking to date others. It means he doesn't want to be exclusive. It mean't all the fading away that up until now I assumed he was doing, was in fact, AS TRUE AS CAN BE!!! My blood started to boil.
I blocked him immediately which was my initial intention.
I know that nerve has this feature where you can see "who" views you and if he checks this, then he can see that i viewed him. And if he saw I viewed him then he KNOWS I CAUGHT HIM.
Within a half hour of seeing him on nerve, he text's me "How are you today"
BLOOD BOILING
STEAMING
BODY SWEATING
PULSE PULSATING
WHAT DID I DO? I ignored it. then i went around, as i always do, asking anyone in site what i should do. The plan is to ignore him for as long as it takes. Should he begin to stalk me, which I doubt he will, I will just tell him how I feel.
My coworker, a 32 year old male, just told me "All men take women for granted"
What the FUCK. Now its SO COMMON to take a woman for granted, men just flat out have no problem not covering up this feature. Its NOT a selling point PEOPLE!!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
The verdict tonight.
I'm STILL breaking up with him. He's out. I swear there is just no way that what we have "now" could be classified as a real relationship. And thats
'
what im looking for
isnt it? dont i want something real? dont i want something serious. yes. my friends. where are these men? should i switch teams? hell no. women are too fucking nuts. But I'm just
me
just looking for someone to not only LAugh at my jokes but GET them. I need someone who is worried about the burn mark on my neck and who cant WAIt to tell me about their new tattoo. What I have right now...is none of that.
And even if its HIS version of that, its not, simply, enough.
i need more
i need more
i need more
so now, starting tonight, I'm beginning an experiment. Via friend S and Friend K's suggestions. I will be spending my time alone. No man. No dates, No hook ups. Nothing. I will be completely with me until November 17th.
The question is. What the fuck. Even tonight, I was already asking my friends if they new any single men. I mean why can't I deal with being alone. What am I so afraid of????? Well thats the experiment. We shall all find out....
all of us
all trillion of my faithful readers.
jesus christ im kidding. see....the one that gets me is the one for me.
'
what im looking for
isnt it? dont i want something real? dont i want something serious. yes. my friends. where are these men? should i switch teams? hell no. women are too fucking nuts. But I'm just
me
just looking for someone to not only LAugh at my jokes but GET them. I need someone who is worried about the burn mark on my neck and who cant WAIt to tell me about their new tattoo. What I have right now...is none of that.
And even if its HIS version of that, its not, simply, enough.
i need more
i need more
i need more
so now, starting tonight, I'm beginning an experiment. Via friend S and Friend K's suggestions. I will be spending my time alone. No man. No dates, No hook ups. Nothing. I will be completely with me until November 17th.
The question is. What the fuck. Even tonight, I was already asking my friends if they new any single men. I mean why can't I deal with being alone. What am I so afraid of????? Well thats the experiment. We shall all find out....
all of us
all trillion of my faithful readers.
jesus christ im kidding. see....the one that gets me is the one for me.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Opening Lines
Long before the wedding happened I reviewed in my head who was a potential man for me. And the truth is, Hoboken was in the running. I knew he was single and I remembered the talk we had out in Southampton one weekend which was nice and he seemed sweet. In my head, he was definitely a potential. I didn't build it up but I was excited and nervous to see him. In fact, the first night I got REALLY nervous for some reason and I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. Anyway, we briefly talked at the actual rehearsal. Sat together at the dinner and engaged in group conversation about poop and how much you would have to be paid to eat 3 poops.
but when we got to the hotel bar later and it was a moment for him to talk to just me, what was his first line (are you even ready?):
"So which girl in here would you sleep with?"
and suddenly, I felt ill. I felt like a brick had just fallen from the sky and pierced my head first and then jammed into my gut. I immediately changed my brain from "potential" to "maybe he's a good kisser" and then later in the evening to "I've got to get out of here"
It only took that one line to completely reverse me. Sure I humored him and answered and we talked more and then went to this god awful club at the other end of the hotel and started dancing (which I thought would at least sober me up). He bought me a damn shot which I couldn't even drink. We did end up kissing and at this point good kissing is well, lip mutilation. I mean the last three guys I've kissed during this dating phase have all been excellent kissers. But the next day my lips are almost completely skin less. Good kissers just suck the hell out of you. But in this good way, I don't know how to describe it really I mean I have dry skin already but this Hoboken guy actually BRUISED my lip. Which I noticed in Bloomingdales the next day when I was getting my make up done. And three other witnesses saw the bruise (once I pointed it out to them) but it was there. He also lifted my hair and bit the back of my neck sort of raw like. It was nice but I was still sick and needed to leave.
So the other guy from the wedding, he opens with "anything worth looking at down there" as I leaned on the balcony staring at Chelsea and the Hudson river. It was a good one and I indulged him and we chatted. I knew about him already. The rumor by many at the party was that he was currently getting divorced and it was messy. He told me he was already divorced. He was an actor teacher and
I was just somewhere else the whole time. I told him I was broken (I mentioned that before) I felt like the more open I was with him, the more engaged he seemed. I decided that I can potentially make a damn good impression on people when they first meet me. Even when I'm broken. I think my personality is well developed and while I'm not generally censored as much as I should be, I feel like I can pick up on people's behaviors and alter my conversation to fit theirs. It sometimes leaves me feeling identity-less. But I guess that's ok. I mean I know who I am. I have always known who I am. And I'm very open with people which I think makes them feel loved or good or warm or something. It also makes me less mysterious but I also sometimes know when mystery is good too.
Like with this new nerve guy. I have been thinking about him ever since our last date. I have actually thought so much about him I have excited myself. Haha. But I haven't called him or emailed him or anything because I think as excited as I am, he is 100x's that and I just know this cause of the way he looked at me and the things he said to me. I know he's too involved already and I have to find a way to stop that. Because I AM still broken and as much as I want someone to love me THAT much, I know that I'm not ready for it. And he doesn't even know me well enough and I don't know him well enough.
But here's what I thought about. His opening line. And then I remembered Hoboken pointed out this totally nasty bridge and tunnel girl to me that he wanted to approach and he asked me what should be his opening line. It took me a minute to dissolve the fact that he was interested in such a complete slut (not kidding, you should have seen this girl - sorry to judge but I have friends who would vouch for me) and that he was actually concerned about what to say to such a girl. But then I thought of it. It was the same line that the new French nerve fed me which was as perfect as it gets and I turned to Hoboken and said
"I've got it. Ready?"
"Hi"
And with that. I smiled. I thought of the rest of the night with French. The stories we told each other, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke about his life and his friends and his family. The way after our kiss, he looked at me and said it again "Hi" and I melted. In certain moments like those, I feel like everything is ok and I think its ok to feel that way.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow night.
but when we got to the hotel bar later and it was a moment for him to talk to just me, what was his first line (are you even ready?):
"So which girl in here would you sleep with?"
and suddenly, I felt ill. I felt like a brick had just fallen from the sky and pierced my head first and then jammed into my gut. I immediately changed my brain from "potential" to "maybe he's a good kisser" and then later in the evening to "I've got to get out of here"
It only took that one line to completely reverse me. Sure I humored him and answered and we talked more and then went to this god awful club at the other end of the hotel and started dancing (which I thought would at least sober me up). He bought me a damn shot which I couldn't even drink. We did end up kissing and at this point good kissing is well, lip mutilation. I mean the last three guys I've kissed during this dating phase have all been excellent kissers. But the next day my lips are almost completely skin less. Good kissers just suck the hell out of you. But in this good way, I don't know how to describe it really I mean I have dry skin already but this Hoboken guy actually BRUISED my lip. Which I noticed in Bloomingdales the next day when I was getting my make up done. And three other witnesses saw the bruise (once I pointed it out to them) but it was there. He also lifted my hair and bit the back of my neck sort of raw like. It was nice but I was still sick and needed to leave.
So the other guy from the wedding, he opens with "anything worth looking at down there" as I leaned on the balcony staring at Chelsea and the Hudson river. It was a good one and I indulged him and we chatted. I knew about him already. The rumor by many at the party was that he was currently getting divorced and it was messy. He told me he was already divorced. He was an actor teacher and
I was just somewhere else the whole time. I told him I was broken (I mentioned that before) I felt like the more open I was with him, the more engaged he seemed. I decided that I can potentially make a damn good impression on people when they first meet me. Even when I'm broken. I think my personality is well developed and while I'm not generally censored as much as I should be, I feel like I can pick up on people's behaviors and alter my conversation to fit theirs. It sometimes leaves me feeling identity-less. But I guess that's ok. I mean I know who I am. I have always known who I am. And I'm very open with people which I think makes them feel loved or good or warm or something. It also makes me less mysterious but I also sometimes know when mystery is good too.
Like with this new nerve guy. I have been thinking about him ever since our last date. I have actually thought so much about him I have excited myself. Haha. But I haven't called him or emailed him or anything because I think as excited as I am, he is 100x's that and I just know this cause of the way he looked at me and the things he said to me. I know he's too involved already and I have to find a way to stop that. Because I AM still broken and as much as I want someone to love me THAT much, I know that I'm not ready for it. And he doesn't even know me well enough and I don't know him well enough.
But here's what I thought about. His opening line. And then I remembered Hoboken pointed out this totally nasty bridge and tunnel girl to me that he wanted to approach and he asked me what should be his opening line. It took me a minute to dissolve the fact that he was interested in such a complete slut (not kidding, you should have seen this girl - sorry to judge but I have friends who would vouch for me) and that he was actually concerned about what to say to such a girl. But then I thought of it. It was the same line that the new French nerve fed me which was as perfect as it gets and I turned to Hoboken and said
"I've got it. Ready?"
"Hi"
And with that. I smiled. I thought of the rest of the night with French. The stories we told each other, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke about his life and his friends and his family. The way after our kiss, he looked at me and said it again "Hi" and I melted. In certain moments like those, I feel like everything is ok and I think its ok to feel that way.
I'm seeing him again tomorrow night.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Kiss Me Badly
ok so last night. we all know i had a date with a non nerve guy. he is a work friends friend. yes. a YOUNG 29 year old (almost 30) hedge fund guy who turned out to be SO MUCH MORE during the date.
so i walk into this joint where im meeting him early and assume that he will be late or is not there, i chat it up with the 3 hostesses whilst scouting around for potentially him. theres a bar to my left and sofas to my right...i head for the bathroom eyes still searching...nothing. the bathroom was supposed to allow me to check the nose for snot and any other facial problems but it was too damn dark and useless so i go back upstairs and head for the sofas. in the corner sofa i spot a cutish guy alone on the sofa and think to myself (damn cute guy but where is the one im meeting). I also notice he looks up at me or beyond me or whatever. And I begin to walk toward him and aim for this big black leather chair. As I pass this column I notice in the corner of my eye that this cutish guy is now starring at me and I'm feeling shy....then STUPID!! ITS HIM!!!! for christs sake its totally him...
haha
he's been there, he already had a beer. He spotted me and was trying to make eye contact. I feel so silly. Ok so I shake his hand and rush around the sofa to sit down. He's cute. seems tall. I'm looking him dead in the eye but my peripheral vision is on point tonight and I spot his left hand shaking. I immediately think he's nervous as hell and wonder why. With all the email confidence, maybe that was just email and in person he's a nervous wreck but somehow seeing that calmed me down and I didn't feel so nervous all of a sudden. So we chatted, he tried to explain hedge funds, I got lost and didn't get it at all and my mouth just turned into a jellyfish. I could no longer make complete sentences, remember what mutual funds i had or even my name. He picks up his beer with the right hand and thats shaking too. I guess I didn't know how nervous a man could get.
His voice was cracking too. CRACKING!!
Ok so we chatted more, then he mumbled something and got up and walked away. I assumed he went to the bathroom. lol. When he came back he sat closer to me. Then the pizza came and i got up to use the bathroom before eating. We ate and then with my leg, my bag in between me and him he leans in allll the way and plants a kiss on me!!!!
SHOCKING!!! i mean seriously. we JUST met and it wasnt the end of the date, it was the middle. It threw me off. Jellyfish were flying out of my mouth at this point. I messed up his college with another rival college, I told him im either crazy hyper or totally comatose with no inbetween, after family talk i admitted to a jailbird brother, my crazy blog, dating, art I cant draw...jesus i was jellyfishing like a FOOL! but somewhere in that mess he looked right at me and said I was funny. That was cute.
So the problem is that he cant kiss. I just wasnt sure why. And the jelly then dropped out of my mouth when I noticed him trembling while kissing me and whispered that he shouldnt be nervous which then prompted him to tell me his shaking was a serious neurological problem!!!!
There was a point where I could not say anymore and in those moments the kissing continued. I guess I was hoping he could improve and yet with each kiss it didnt.
So what I know. so he cant kiss. is that so bad? no, i dont think so. I dont know actually is it? of the people I have polled at work so far, some say this will never change. he will always be a bad kisser, and others say i can teach him.
I dont know. as far as i see it, two questions remain:
1. does bad kissing count as a deal breaker?
2. does bad kissing mean bad in other areas?
ok so now lets talk about the positive. this guy is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i mean seriously, he's got morals values he's not a pothead and he fucking genuinly cares about people. but he's edgy too and confident and even likes old people. and ART! he's beyond smart about stuff but seriously does not come across that way. i mean he doesnt come across dumb but not cocky you know. (ps, this is the type of jellyfish rambling i got myself into with him last night)
ok anyway. if it doesnt work out with hedgefund, I still have some banter accumulating with this one nerve guy I really think is cool. However, I struggled to get him to actually ask me out. Short little emails about him being sick and his job and whatever was goin on with me were a flyin and I just couldnt take it and stopped emailing. then two days go by and he surfaces to ask if his emails had once again fell into my spam folder. Which they hadn't, so i responded boldly:
"actually i was waiting for you to ask me out!! lol. ;)"
ok so apparently just MILKING this sickness of his, he comes back:
"I will, just as soon as I regain my breathing capabilities :)"
oye vey, then me:
"Wow, who would have thought I could take your breath away virtually! :)
(kidding of course)
are you going away for the holidays?"
now the third line was my (failed) way of trying to increase commication or get a dialogue of some sort that we had before...
him:
"Don't know yet. There is no warrant pending for me as far as I know, so I'm probably not going away."
NOTHING...this man is losing me...im losing interest. im losing everything. hours went by and somehow i just forgot to eat lunch. so i went to the cafe as they were about to close and they were OUT of turkey burgers... I REPEAT OUT OF TURKEY BURGERS.....
so then this man gets an email back from me...the "do or die" email. the email that will require a much thought out clever response and if not then im afraid he will be cast aside and here we go:
"im hungry and there are no more turkey burgers left in the world.
ok ok, exagerated i know but thats my lunch and i missed it and now its gone. so i must go find food. im using this email as my own personal online diary (hope you dont mind) about hunger and how theres too much chocolate in the department. I had a mint earlier but its not helping. I have routed out the closest food establishments in my mind but none seem worthy of leaving the building. Theres tacos, sushi, subway, two delis, and this indian place but wheres the turkey burger place....yes, thats right, it does not exist. Does this warrant me a day off as I cant work properly if I have no food. I think it does.
since you have no voice or breath, I will be the voice of the proletariat
-the inez"
and that ends this thursday with no response yet.
Please have a good night my friends...
so i walk into this joint where im meeting him early and assume that he will be late or is not there, i chat it up with the 3 hostesses whilst scouting around for potentially him. theres a bar to my left and sofas to my right...i head for the bathroom eyes still searching...nothing. the bathroom was supposed to allow me to check the nose for snot and any other facial problems but it was too damn dark and useless so i go back upstairs and head for the sofas. in the corner sofa i spot a cutish guy alone on the sofa and think to myself (damn cute guy but where is the one im meeting). I also notice he looks up at me or beyond me or whatever. And I begin to walk toward him and aim for this big black leather chair. As I pass this column I notice in the corner of my eye that this cutish guy is now starring at me and I'm feeling shy....then STUPID!! ITS HIM!!!! for christs sake its totally him...
haha
he's been there, he already had a beer. He spotted me and was trying to make eye contact. I feel so silly. Ok so I shake his hand and rush around the sofa to sit down. He's cute. seems tall. I'm looking him dead in the eye but my peripheral vision is on point tonight and I spot his left hand shaking. I immediately think he's nervous as hell and wonder why. With all the email confidence, maybe that was just email and in person he's a nervous wreck but somehow seeing that calmed me down and I didn't feel so nervous all of a sudden. So we chatted, he tried to explain hedge funds, I got lost and didn't get it at all and my mouth just turned into a jellyfish. I could no longer make complete sentences, remember what mutual funds i had or even my name. He picks up his beer with the right hand and thats shaking too. I guess I didn't know how nervous a man could get.
His voice was cracking too. CRACKING!!
Ok so we chatted more, then he mumbled something and got up and walked away. I assumed he went to the bathroom. lol. When he came back he sat closer to me. Then the pizza came and i got up to use the bathroom before eating. We ate and then with my leg, my bag in between me and him he leans in allll the way and plants a kiss on me!!!!
SHOCKING!!! i mean seriously. we JUST met and it wasnt the end of the date, it was the middle. It threw me off. Jellyfish were flying out of my mouth at this point. I messed up his college with another rival college, I told him im either crazy hyper or totally comatose with no inbetween, after family talk i admitted to a jailbird brother, my crazy blog, dating, art I cant draw...jesus i was jellyfishing like a FOOL! but somewhere in that mess he looked right at me and said I was funny. That was cute.
So the problem is that he cant kiss. I just wasnt sure why. And the jelly then dropped out of my mouth when I noticed him trembling while kissing me and whispered that he shouldnt be nervous which then prompted him to tell me his shaking was a serious neurological problem!!!!
There was a point where I could not say anymore and in those moments the kissing continued. I guess I was hoping he could improve and yet with each kiss it didnt.
So what I know. so he cant kiss. is that so bad? no, i dont think so. I dont know actually is it? of the people I have polled at work so far, some say this will never change. he will always be a bad kisser, and others say i can teach him.
I dont know. as far as i see it, two questions remain:
1. does bad kissing count as a deal breaker?
2. does bad kissing mean bad in other areas?
ok so now lets talk about the positive. this guy is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i mean seriously, he's got morals values he's not a pothead and he fucking genuinly cares about people. but he's edgy too and confident and even likes old people. and ART! he's beyond smart about stuff but seriously does not come across that way. i mean he doesnt come across dumb but not cocky you know. (ps, this is the type of jellyfish rambling i got myself into with him last night)
ok anyway. if it doesnt work out with hedgefund, I still have some banter accumulating with this one nerve guy I really think is cool. However, I struggled to get him to actually ask me out. Short little emails about him being sick and his job and whatever was goin on with me were a flyin and I just couldnt take it and stopped emailing. then two days go by and he surfaces to ask if his emails had once again fell into my spam folder. Which they hadn't, so i responded boldly:
"actually i was waiting for you to ask me out!! lol. ;)"
ok so apparently just MILKING this sickness of his, he comes back:
"I will, just as soon as I regain my breathing capabilities :)"
oye vey, then me:
"Wow, who would have thought I could take your breath away virtually! :)
(kidding of course)
are you going away for the holidays?"
now the third line was my (failed) way of trying to increase commication or get a dialogue of some sort that we had before...
him:
"Don't know yet. There is no warrant pending for me as far as I know, so I'm probably not going away."
NOTHING...this man is losing me...im losing interest. im losing everything. hours went by and somehow i just forgot to eat lunch. so i went to the cafe as they were about to close and they were OUT of turkey burgers... I REPEAT OUT OF TURKEY BURGERS.....
so then this man gets an email back from me...the "do or die" email. the email that will require a much thought out clever response and if not then im afraid he will be cast aside and here we go:
"im hungry and there are no more turkey burgers left in the world.
ok ok, exagerated i know but thats my lunch and i missed it and now its gone. so i must go find food. im using this email as my own personal online diary (hope you dont mind) about hunger and how theres too much chocolate in the department. I had a mint earlier but its not helping. I have routed out the closest food establishments in my mind but none seem worthy of leaving the building. Theres tacos, sushi, subway, two delis, and this indian place but wheres the turkey burger place....yes, thats right, it does not exist. Does this warrant me a day off as I cant work properly if I have no food. I think it does.
since you have no voice or breath, I will be the voice of the proletariat
-the inez"
and that ends this thursday with no response yet.
Please have a good night my friends...
Saturday, July 22, 2006
what im feeling right now which may change soon
i hate men. or at least turks. he stood me up. or called in sick. and what a jerk. simply. and my roomate says maybe our paths will cross again some day but maybe they wont. right now, i dont care. i want to be in paris. i want to be passionately kissing jean labarre on the cobblestone bridge over the river seine. i want to be dead or alone or in some hold on a ship far far away. i want to be kissed and touched. i hate the world. i hate that it hates me. i sat in a bar and no one even looked at me. its cause of my fucking nose. i hate it. did i mention i hate nerve.com and i wish it never existed. the men on there suck ass. i hate them all. hate them. none are even cute.
i have never had passionate sex in my life. that is, until i met the turk. thats all it was though. so why do i now think that a relationship cannot exist with passionate sex. passsionate sex is for one night stands and one time dudes. i hate turks. i want a european. they are so sexy and they grab your feeet during sex. they know how to touch you andwhere to touch you. i want to be touched.
syria, iran, iraq, romania, georgia, bulgaria, greece and cypress. I fucking memorized the 8 bordering countries for our date. i thought i would impress him since i was a geography major and all. but he stood me up and now i hate him. i hope he never logs on again.
i have never had passionate sex in my life. that is, until i met the turk. thats all it was though. so why do i now think that a relationship cannot exist with passionate sex. passsionate sex is for one night stands and one time dudes. i hate turks. i want a european. they are so sexy and they grab your feeet during sex. they know how to touch you andwhere to touch you. i want to be touched.
syria, iran, iraq, romania, georgia, bulgaria, greece and cypress. I fucking memorized the 8 bordering countries for our date. i thought i would impress him since i was a geography major and all. but he stood me up and now i hate him. i hope he never logs on again.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I Had An MRI Last Night
I didn't actually go into the scanner however.
there's a handful of emotions people go through before a scan. Even if you are not claustrophobic, when the table starts to move you into the bore and you are suddenly surrounded on all sides, I imagine even the most together people take a deep deep breath.
Yesterday the anxiety started early. This Saturday I am going back there. There is where I lived, where my life had been figured out. The old apartment where ex still lives. I'm going to pack my belongings and get them ready for when I actually move out. The day I completely move out, I would rather be all packed up and just ready to go. So I collected as many friends as I could and have been making arrangement's with ex so that he would be out. Yesterday I had to make the final arrangement's with him which meant I had to email him.
Deep breath...
Just the process of how to start the email, what is the appropriate thing to even begin with. Hi, Hello, Hey, blah. And then to end it. -me would have been the old way. He signed an email that way before. I just left it blank. Hi in the beginning and nothing in the end. He knows who I am and I hope he knows why I cant sign it. -AnnaLisa would be just rude. Other than just making arrangements, I threw in a line about how hard it will be....
...Its going to be a weird/awkward day I'm sure but I need to get it over with...
Maybe that was kinda odd to say but then again, I'm pretty odd. A few minutes later he responded.
And the anxiety started to build as he asked too many questions prompting yet another email. UGH. I just answered his questions and that was that.
Deep Breath....
For the next four hours, like some cancer patient, I sat and thought too hard about the outcome. The diagnosis. Will I be ok? Will I make it one more month? What will I let go of? I have so many things but I know I will need to let go of them.
By 4 I was completely anxious. I went and had a coffee. I bought a new phone. I went to the bathroom six hundred times. I could feel my insides turning.
Then the anti anxiety medicine was delivered at Del Posto (in the Enoteca) and the nurses were my closest friends. A "tasting" dinner with generous portions of "tasting" wines...
Falinghina with the Calamari Fritti
DonnaLuna with the Tortelli
and Rubrato Aglianico with the Pork Loin
LemonGello's were served with dessert.
I had enough medicine in me for three scans but it only made it worse.
I started home, started my thoughts again. I was alone.
The worst part of the scan is waiting for it to begin. You sit and wait forever until they call you in. The wait for the F train was beyond too long. I could hardly stand up. My legs were losing energy. I finally got on the train. I don't remember the ride home. I don't remember walking to the street. I don't remember which arm my bag was on.
At 12:28am, the text came through:
"Did u never really love me like u thought or was it just how i freaked out that disenchanted u? i wonder...." -ex
Suddenly I was on the table laying flat on my back and it was moving into the scanner. Everything was closing in. I had to face it. He was forcing me to face it. And this tsunami started rising from the base of my spine up my back and out my eyes. I was on 8th Ave. I was walking and I couldn't breathe. I felt my lungs collapsing. I tried to dial a friend, then another, I couldn't feel my hands. I couldn't breathe.
I never told him I never loved him but then how did he know. I never used those words. I never told anyone I never loved him. And never is much to strong. I loved him for a time. But I remember the day it stopped. I'm not sure the blog is ready for that day though. Lets ease into this.
Deep breath....
I had to stop on my block to try and breathe. It didn't help. My lungs were mad. They were pulsing fast and I had to get home. I started walking faster. I could see the streets were empty but the scan had just started. I got inside and up the stairs and kept going...To the roof. I thought it would help me to sit down up there. I was breathing harder now. Faster. The tsunami was flooding my face. I got up, and walked right into my roommates room. She was in the shower I could hear but I sat on her bed. I got up, sat on my bed, more tsunami's. I tried to focus on my buddy list and see who could help. Gay Jinzo. I told him I couldn't breathe. He said I must be breathing if I could type. I know I shouldn't have but I texted nerve#1 "i cant breath" I didn't even spell breathe right. I got up. Back over to roommates bed. Buried my face in my hands.
She comes out and in a towel. I was so sorry but I couldn't help it. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted her to help me breathe. She held my hand, then my back. I knew it was awkward for her. I also knew she understood. She had divorced and the pain still lingers within her. She handed me a glass of water which I couldn't drink. My lungs wouldn't let me. Then my fingers were tingling. My legs were tingling. I was losing feeling. My back started tingling. Something was happening to me I couldn't explain.
Shallow breaths kept coming. I tried deep ones. I tried not to think about it. I finally told her about the text. I told her it was true. I didn't love him and then what I'd hoped would be the final tsunami just went up my spine and out my eyes. I said it which had made it true. I thought about how my mom said I hadn't "dealt" with the ex situation. And even if its not in the way she wants me to feel which is to be mad and hurt at HIM, at least I was dealing with the anger and hurt that I feel towards ME. I hated myself. I hated the 4 years I was dead. I hated how the door was open to me to walk away early on and I let him back in.
Deep breath...
The roommate let me talk. Then she told me about her coworker. Then I peed and closed my door and tried to sleep. I don't remember how that happened but I read the next text at 5am.
"please please dont feel guilty for having emotions! or for figuring out a truth that isnt what yr supposed 2 expect. please do get in touch 2mrw...'night"
it was from the roommate. And finally I could breathe. If not perfectly at least slowly.
there's a handful of emotions people go through before a scan. Even if you are not claustrophobic, when the table starts to move you into the bore and you are suddenly surrounded on all sides, I imagine even the most together people take a deep deep breath.
Yesterday the anxiety started early. This Saturday I am going back there. There is where I lived, where my life had been figured out. The old apartment where ex still lives. I'm going to pack my belongings and get them ready for when I actually move out. The day I completely move out, I would rather be all packed up and just ready to go. So I collected as many friends as I could and have been making arrangement's with ex so that he would be out. Yesterday I had to make the final arrangement's with him which meant I had to email him.
Deep breath...
Just the process of how to start the email, what is the appropriate thing to even begin with. Hi, Hello, Hey, blah. And then to end it. -me would have been the old way. He signed an email that way before. I just left it blank. Hi in the beginning and nothing in the end. He knows who I am and I hope he knows why I cant sign it. -AnnaLisa would be just rude. Other than just making arrangements, I threw in a line about how hard it will be....
...Its going to be a weird/awkward day I'm sure but I need to get it over with...
Maybe that was kinda odd to say but then again, I'm pretty odd. A few minutes later he responded.
And the anxiety started to build as he asked too many questions prompting yet another email. UGH. I just answered his questions and that was that.
Deep Breath....
For the next four hours, like some cancer patient, I sat and thought too hard about the outcome. The diagnosis. Will I be ok? Will I make it one more month? What will I let go of? I have so many things but I know I will need to let go of them.
By 4 I was completely anxious. I went and had a coffee. I bought a new phone. I went to the bathroom six hundred times. I could feel my insides turning.
Then the anti anxiety medicine was delivered at Del Posto (in the Enoteca) and the nurses were my closest friends. A "tasting" dinner with generous portions of "tasting" wines...
Falinghina with the Calamari Fritti
DonnaLuna with the Tortelli
and Rubrato Aglianico with the Pork Loin
LemonGello's were served with dessert.
I had enough medicine in me for three scans but it only made it worse.
I started home, started my thoughts again. I was alone.
The worst part of the scan is waiting for it to begin. You sit and wait forever until they call you in. The wait for the F train was beyond too long. I could hardly stand up. My legs were losing energy. I finally got on the train. I don't remember the ride home. I don't remember walking to the street. I don't remember which arm my bag was on.
At 12:28am, the text came through:
"Did u never really love me like u thought or was it just how i freaked out that disenchanted u? i wonder...." -ex
Suddenly I was on the table laying flat on my back and it was moving into the scanner. Everything was closing in. I had to face it. He was forcing me to face it. And this tsunami started rising from the base of my spine up my back and out my eyes. I was on 8th Ave. I was walking and I couldn't breathe. I felt my lungs collapsing. I tried to dial a friend, then another, I couldn't feel my hands. I couldn't breathe.
I never told him I never loved him but then how did he know. I never used those words. I never told anyone I never loved him. And never is much to strong. I loved him for a time. But I remember the day it stopped. I'm not sure the blog is ready for that day though. Lets ease into this.
Deep breath....
I had to stop on my block to try and breathe. It didn't help. My lungs were mad. They were pulsing fast and I had to get home. I started walking faster. I could see the streets were empty but the scan had just started. I got inside and up the stairs and kept going...To the roof. I thought it would help me to sit down up there. I was breathing harder now. Faster. The tsunami was flooding my face. I got up, and walked right into my roommates room. She was in the shower I could hear but I sat on her bed. I got up, sat on my bed, more tsunami's. I tried to focus on my buddy list and see who could help. Gay Jinzo. I told him I couldn't breathe. He said I must be breathing if I could type. I know I shouldn't have but I texted nerve#1 "i cant breath" I didn't even spell breathe right. I got up. Back over to roommates bed. Buried my face in my hands.
She comes out and in a towel. I was so sorry but I couldn't help it. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted her to help me breathe. She held my hand, then my back. I knew it was awkward for her. I also knew she understood. She had divorced and the pain still lingers within her. She handed me a glass of water which I couldn't drink. My lungs wouldn't let me. Then my fingers were tingling. My legs were tingling. I was losing feeling. My back started tingling. Something was happening to me I couldn't explain.
Shallow breaths kept coming. I tried deep ones. I tried not to think about it. I finally told her about the text. I told her it was true. I didn't love him and then what I'd hoped would be the final tsunami just went up my spine and out my eyes. I said it which had made it true. I thought about how my mom said I hadn't "dealt" with the ex situation. And even if its not in the way she wants me to feel which is to be mad and hurt at HIM, at least I was dealing with the anger and hurt that I feel towards ME. I hated myself. I hated the 4 years I was dead. I hated how the door was open to me to walk away early on and I let him back in.
Deep breath...
The roommate let me talk. Then she told me about her coworker. Then I peed and closed my door and tried to sleep. I don't remember how that happened but I read the next text at 5am.
"please please dont feel guilty for having emotions! or for figuring out a truth that isnt what yr supposed 2 expect. please do get in touch 2mrw...'night"
it was from the roommate. And finally I could breathe. If not perfectly at least slowly.
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