not really sure how to blog about mild happiness

but im not totally sad. i go through bits and pieces of unhappiness
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down

who the hell am i

this weekend i shared a cigarette with a drag queen. But thats only cause she saw me rushing down the street sobbing and stopped me to ask whats wrong. I must have told her i was dumped and ugly and horrible and the worst person on earth and she was so tall and i was face to face with her giant boobs when she said

"Honey, please, you aint ugly, look up here. go on, look at me, you aint ugly"

the next thing i knew she disappeared and the bartender came out and asked what was wrong. i threw the cigarette down and rushed off again. then i was sitting at dinner last night with a sheet of paper and two columns. Trying to decide what reasons i should work at this new retail job. other than pays more and cute manager, i had nothing. and i texted my friend and asked her how i could be in paris with a good job by the end of summer. one more summer in new york.
of course, being completely fair she writes back "Y Paris? I don't get it. Do u want a fresh start? Inez, Annalisa. Feel like sometimes u wanna lose xxx..." (of course xxx being my real name.)

my friend at work says that there is no such thing as a drag queen on 59th st so she must have been my guardian angel. i like that thought. i think i'll stick with it.

anyway, yes, there is a lot of people i probably could be and wish i was. like i wish i was a doctor without borders and i wish i was an actress like meryl streep and a computer genius. and i wrestle with the conflicting thoughts of age versus time versus how can i not be anything in my life while everyone else is something. i am conflicted.
totally conflicted.
and jesus christ people, you walk out in the streets of new york and find 20 million people like and not like you and try not to think ever again. its impossible.

fuck you

right at this moment im fucking sad and depressed
the man just broke up with me
just ended it
its over
im too old
to gray
to ugly
to skinny
to stupid
to everything
i hate everything
i hate it all

saturday

I cant tell the story of the mural i put on my wall
i cant figure out where im supposed to be.
im sick of retrospect
i just watched the longest movie on earth
why hasn't scorsese won anything
or did he
i cannot remember the name of anyone
or the birthdays of everyone
how can you live in the moment if all you do is remember the past
im sick of the past.
sick of winter
sick of the ice melting down my windows
my phone doesnt ring
my lips are so chapped
but no one will kiss them
how come there are so many people in this world
and how come we have to die
if i didnt have to die i wouldnt care what today is
i had this vision of driving to the cemetary to say goodbye to myrle.
i had this dream that dr. ginsberg found cancer in my arm
it woke me up.
then ilona moved into my house
even though its a studio
i hate dreaming
and when old friends haunt me
ok so now that all that is out
and the sun no longer shines on the bricks
the day continues
cold
but not terribly lonely
its ok to be alone

its going to be ok

Poetic Anatomy

I am reading this book about this woman whose probably mid 30's. She's just divorced and traveling around. In the book she's now in India at this Ashram studying her poetic anatomy. Her friend coined the term but I like it. She's trying to find some experience with her body that will bring her closer to something...like God for example.

She thinks this will help her stabilize her monsoon thoughts that kill her mostly.
So I have ALWAYS been a big disbeliever in any type of calming thought process that relaxes me (ie. meditation). I have been against it. I hate breathing like that. Or I used to hate breathing like that. But now I wonder if theres something to that. I mean all summer long I took nice long deep breaths whenever my body would remember what was going on. It was this secret little way for me to relax. But in the book and the real meditation process they include these mantras. and i flat out REFUSE to say a mantra over and over. Unless its something I came upwith. but usually when im breathing my mind is dead, or cleared and i cant form words or mantras. i hate mantras.

I know most of my friends think I'm like a constant fucking worrier, someone who cannot relax at all. But truly, I can relax. I did relax. I'm a great relaxer. You should have seen me with this guy on the trip. We had like 30 seconds to catch a train on the other side of town and I sat there worrying that I wouldn't get to finish my wine and dinner. Not about missing the train.

Hell, I WANTED to be stuck in Paris for the night. Even if it meant he wouldn't make his flight. I wanted him to be stuck with me. I didn't tell him this and he made his flight just barely.

And so this week has been a practice in relaxing for me. I cannot turn on the tv right now. I want to read. I have been trying to finish this book I got from a friend so I could give it back to her tonight but I start to read and then relax so much that I fall asleep. I cant seem to get through the book fast enough. Plus this meditation part isn't as exciting to me as the part about her time in Italy meeting people and eating everything.

But she is an amazing writer and I like how she sees things. And articulates things. I wonder how many edits her book went through.

Tuesday and I'm trying

trying to keep up the esteem levels.

im faced with this one fear which my friends try to convince me is truely not the correct fear and shouldnt be a fear at all. i think that this man is pulling away as a direct result of something i said at breakfast and my reaction to his real age.

simultaneously he has been hit with a MASSIVE dose of reality and hard times not getting a job he wanted more than anything and was totally convinced he had and has now to decide what is next. This plate of reality is possibly consuming him. Possibly the reason he is not capable of giving me the proper dosage of affection that I desire and what will I do about this:

I will just fucking relax and know in my heart that he does like me. He has not started resenting me/hating me. I have to have faith that everything will be ok.
He could be in a rut for a while. this is completely possible. he could be unable to deal with me or my insanity.

betty is gone
that is ok.
elizabeth says that reality HAS to happen. Its important.
i agree

ONE SECOND AT A TIME. ONE FUCKING SECOND AT A TIME.

trash in my head

the world is buzzing. im a failure. at many things. of this i was reminded yesterday. and NOT in a bad way, but a real way. And i KNOW that this friend never used the word failure and she used all the disclaimers, she said everything right and it made me think. I'm 32 years old. And if you ask me "are you where you want to be in life?" I will say "where is that?"

Cause I dont fucking have a clue. I never did and I probably never will. The truth is I dont think of myself as a failure when I'm with myself. But in the company or comparison of others, I know where I stand. I'm called Doctor Inez by other doctors but I know who I am. And I know, at least here at the hospital, where I stand on the list of important people. It means more to me to be thought of on the same level as a doctor than to be a doctor. This is just something I tell myself to feel better.

I feel totally exposed to this man. I feel like I'm on the operating table with my spleen poking out. I told him I missed him. It hasn't been that long since I saw him. I am so young sometimes. I know he wont say it back. I secretely want him to but its ok. I will be ok. I'm always worried about everything. Like a fool.

gotta say how i feel

I usually rollerblade only to the intrepid and return. I haven't had the something to go further. All I know is that when I got there today, nose frozen, legs burning, ears popping I knew that I couldn't stop. I kept going. I smiled as good as I could considering the weather. Lately in my life I have had this energy I've never felt before. Its like I'm waking up from some lifelong hibernation. I feel different and crazy and alive for the first time. Sometimes I cant even speak. And its like I can actually feel my molecules.

I feel like I'm in love. I feel love like its never been felt. I want to shout it and scream it. My hands shake when I think about it (like right now hard to type.)
Ive never felt so scared and so satisfied.

This man. I call him by his last name because I wanted to be the only one. And last night I sat on his friends white sofa and the room wanted to know everything. Questions about life and your first sexual experience and the wine was endless. And then it was said. I had already suffered minor strokes knowing he was 3 years younger than me but I let them subside. And then.

As if Sasha (one of the guests) picked up the wine opener and threw it directly at my soul, someone said his age. It wasn't the age I was lead to believe. And now he was seven years younger than me. Seven years of getting to know oneself and figuring out life a bit more and seven years of dating and fucking and exploring and drug use. Seven years that I not only lived already but was tired of. Some friends say I need to subtract four years for the time I was with ex. I was numb. I am certain he could see this and his friend Lillie could as well. She was so good and trying so hard to comfort me.

So you should all see the confusion. And its so easy to speak up loudly and tell me that age doesn't matter. I remember in college with my first love. We were together 5 years and he spent all of them "finding himself". I took the path apparently less taken which was to simply find a job and live normally. No creative energy came out of me. I was afraid of everything and kept alone. I have always been almost alone. Mostly alone. I need it. I'm resting quietly with finding out who I am. Sharing my life, sharing my freedom, exploring my freedom, embracing my freedom, sheltering my heart, opening my heart. fuck. its like a fucking lifetime movie.

I made it up to 125th with the GW bridge just feet away. There was a roundabout in the path and I took it. back home and with my head mostly cleared up. The sun beat down on me and I never felt so alive.

Round and round.

reasons I cannot explain

Yes, you see I Havent blogged. We all know that I blog sadness and depression and anger mixed with sarcasm. I also blog complete delirium. But lately, I have been distracted by someone. And like some Dodger player before a game I am soo afraid of talking about him for fear I will ruin everything. I call this the death match of love.

But what has happened lately is that I have been telling anyone whose anyone about him. Well sort of. Like at my 2nd job at the end of the night when all the coworkers are standing around chatting it up and I am trying desperately to close the store so I can get the hell out of there I will say stuff like:

"This is totally unacceptable, please people get to work and close this god damn store dont you know I have a DATE tonight!!!"

or

"Get out of my way Sakinah I will finish this project, you are too slow and I have a man waiting. a HOT man"

of course I say these things with the utmost sincerity and sarcasm and noone ever takes me seriously but my insides are usually dying to leave and prepare myself for another night of total insanity with this wonderful man.

I have never EVER met anyone like him. I mean at all.

The truth is I messed up the blog. I was showing him this one post about the wrapped crane and I copied and pasted which gave him the link to the blog. Which mean't I had to lock it down and I removed all the prior blogs. I messed up but I simply could not be exposed. So thats why its locked down.

TRAGEDY - MY CRANE WRAPPED

There are several events in a single girls life that must be taken seriously. This morning was one of them.

As you all know, the great Crane has been my friend for some time now since before I even moved into the new apartment. He has helped me through many lonely and depressing nights. I have seen him go through his own set of drawbacks and accomplishments as he has dug and put up the great structures around him.

And now there is a giant beaver who is trying to come between us!!!!


The crane is building a new apartment complex which has a beaver as its mascot. And now that the complex is growing so big, the advertisements have begun. You have never seen such serious attention to detail in an apartment complex ad campaign. You'd think the beaver was running for president!

And so this morning as I walked to work and turned that great corner to face my beloved crane, you can imagine my UTTER HORROR AND TOXIC SHOCK at the site of a this beaver WRAPPED around my crane.

"call me" says the beaver. Call and order me in studio, 1bedroom or 12 room penthouse suite. "Wash your car in my lobby" says the beaver.

This beaver is mighty. But what he doesn't realize is that my CRANE WILL CRUSH him with just a sneeze in the downward direction. The beaver is defenseles...

But lets discuss further...Because now that most of my closest friends have either seen or heard about the great crane, I will be the LAUGHING STOCK of all of crane admiration and never taken seriously again should ANYONE see this great wrappage of my one and only.

I will assure you that a letter has been written to the head of the media department of the Beaver and I have alerted the Fox5Investigates team and Shame Shame Shame as well.

And Mr. Beaver, save the wrapping for Christo!

Please take a moment of silence today in honor of my crane.
yours truely and forever.
Inez