We are all out of normal

almost there

2007-11-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

Even just thinking of writing this makes my stomach turn. I'm so close. I have too much in my head. I cant really think straight. I answer the phone "radiology", i picked up my candle thinking it was my coffee and almost drank the fire. Today I was in a coma just not doing anything. I slept maybe too much. I ran only a few errands. the UPS woman hated me cause i simply could not understand the words coming out of her mouth. I made her repeat them three times.

So whats been going on? Well im glad you asked. The events have topped the top of events in the history of my life. Random acts of kindness filled my entire being so full that last saturday it all flooded out of my eyes in the form of complete denial. I cried at the temporary loss of my beautiful canon when in fact, it was the madness of this move. the madness of my beautiful friends throwing parties, buying insanely generous euros and tickets, reaching out, hugging, organizing, writing, it was too much. And so, I couldnt deal with that, instead, the camera missing seemed an easy ploy and, while it made me look completely insane, it was MUCH easier to cry about then what I really was crying about.

Of course these geniuses I surround myself with could see RIGHT through me! I was no match...

Ok, so I got it all out. Followed by a trip home with the folks. I sat in the back of my mom's pastel class and marveled in amazement at her ability to connect with people and teach them. How they all were so at ease and free to express. I couldnt draw a stroke. But she should be my teacher of life! I wish I could take her class on "How to deal with moving across the pond". Of course, she's way too expensive for me. even with the family discount.

So now its friday. I leave tomorrow. I bit my lip about 4 times last night during the chocolate cake bonanza that was brought on by suprise via friend pagosa! It just never ends. the end is not even within sight.

By the way, this doesnt explain why I was up last night stressed out about why one particular friend is losing his sight of whats important. Why later when I did fall asleep my boss was giving me a gynecology exam in a red carpet gown and why I flew all around in and above a small man who was running from the murder he just committed which i saw and then why he turned into a dragon fly and freaked me out and made me fly into a giant color.

which brings us to the switch. im switching to the new site now. this second. so if you are ready for paris and ready for me in paris and ready for perhaps more and more not normal then follow me there.

bon voyage

2007-11-05T00:06:00.000-05:00

I feel a nite of restless sleep coming on. I'm a
desert
a monkey
a vacumn
a kiss
a hug
a smug
a breeze
a bike
Eve's idea was to get a shirt that says "you are all whores"
it made sense if the shirt was more clear
but i agreed anyway
the most heartfelt line out of miss eve was when she lovingly said i was no different than the love she felt for preserved meat.

and now we have sunday

take it easy

2007-11-02T21:06:00.001-04:00

Whoa, you need to calm down! It is NOT that big of a deal. I think its time to sit down and really just chill. Listen, it aint that bad, seriously, you will be FINE. You just need to relax and take a deep breathe and think about what a great thing you are doing.

There are so many risks out there just WAITING to be taken. They are lonely, sad risks with no one to talk to and think about. Some risks just show up one day and stand across from you and grow and grow and get disguised and the are lit up and protect you and even try to kill you but if you aren't careful, one day you will wake up and that big risk is gone.

You have to realize that you get ONE chance, ONE life, ONE moment to face everything at once. Dude, this is YOUR time. Your chance.

DO IT....Just DOOO IT.
damnit, or i will kill you.

The crane

2007-10-28T23:09:00.000-04:00

Not too long ago I moved into this building possibly in search of some new life that didn't even vaguely represent the one I let go of. What made the move so easy for me had a lot to do with the building sitting in what I consider the most beautiful part of Manhattan. And amazingly, despite all the evidence Manhattan has to offer on how life can change so quickly right in front of us, I didn't really learn this lesson until my engagement ended.

And since I cannot seem to face anything without a trace of sarcasm, I turned this quazzy theoretical philosophy into its most literal form and saw my death at each and every turn. And shortly after moving in, the crane appeared. This crane spent each and every morning attempting to kill me by hovering various objects of gigantic strength and size over my head in its effort to build the super modern complex known as the beaver house. As the crane continued its effort every day to build this monster sized tower, I continued becoming quite attached to it. The crane came alive every morning and fell asleep every nite. It went through changes, first it was wrapped in the advertisments of the building in the hottest months of the summer causing the poor thing to sweat profusely and have to flash the dreaded bastard beaver in hopes of claiming new tenants upon its completion.

A letter to the beaver board president did nothing to remove the wrap. Not even for my crane party which, despite the wrap, was a great success.

Then the lights that lit up the great crane were taken away leaving nothing but mad giant darkness.

As the building went up, the crane was given the gift of height. I will never forget that day as a differently shaped crane made a guest appearance taking up the entire 5 way intersection just to help with the gift.

Sure, I went around the city viewing other cranes, I even made a map of the active cranes, Hell, even the cranes in Brussels looked interesting but the truth is, this crane was the only crane in my radar that made sense. This crane spoke a language only I could understand.

At 3am on Saturday morning, the guest appearance crane returned and started working. As I made my way to the deli below, seeing it was a thrill as I knew the top of this beaver house still had so much work to complete. They could only be adding even more height to my crane. There was tons of noise but I had trouble viewing the progress mainly cause my windows are so dirty I can hardly see out. So the morning became a project cleaning the windows for my perfect crane view.

At lunch, I schlepped down for a tuna melt and a tired construction worker walked in.

Me: "How tall will the crane be after they are done?"

Construction worker: "What? No, they are taking it down."

Juan found me outside staring up at the crane when he brought me my tuna melt. I had completely forgotten I ordered it. All I could do was stare. All I could do really was think that its ok for the crane to leave cause I'm leaving. Maybe this is lifes way of telling me what I already knew about how life can change at any moment. So there you have it, the book of crane has opened and is now closed.

So I'm gonna update my map.

Goodbye friend.

What to do when your friends are ignoring you

2007-10-23T09:39:00.001-04:00

Hold a fake meeting about them and then send the "accused" friend the minutes of the meeting. Now this particular friend claims to have ruptured his ACL and claimed to have surgery. He also claimed he would move to Paris with me and was goin to stay with me post surgery but he has failed on all accounts thus far and for that he will die:

Agenda
Attendees: Inez Cavavos, Marshal Mathers, Marshall, Diego, Hair, Dr. Gollub, The chick from Costa Rica, Su-Jiang from the back rub place and Caro (who took the minutes).

Caterers - Jean-Georges and Wolfgang

9-9:05pm - Introductions
9:05-9:15 - Review of Abe's misbehavior
9:15-9:20 - Review of detention centers for Abe
9:20-9:25 - snack break
9:25-9:36 - Video of Abe's abuse caught on tape
9:36-9:40 - Closing statements

Minutes: Abe's behavior unacceptable for very long time. Doesn’t answer cell phone calls, reaches out for help then declines any help offered, complete and utter abandonment of friends and false claims of depression and suicidal threats. Selfish and unruley mistreatment of flesh lite and other inanimate objects like pediatricians and tangerine smoothies. Recommend 9-14 years of "friend camp" in northern montana run by two shellfish and a small minor named "hiccup". Video clearly shows Abe not calling back Inez A. Cavavos and ignoring her forever until she is dead on a log in the east river of nowhere. Not too mention in this video Abe is watching a video of Inez weeping hysterically alone crying out for help. His laughter is unacceptable.

Signed - Terribly hurt nurse Cavavos

Some people respond well to sarcasm, Abe is one of these people. So I'm expecting a big ole hug from him any moment. Even if its awkwards cause he's "supposedly" on crutches. Hmph!!

the things i do

2007-10-21T20:23:00.000-04:00

Refuse to watch someones dog cause they hurt me
not physically
pretend grandma myrle is watching
sometimes
miss people (just a few)
hate cell phones
sunbathe on picnic tables
tell people im allergic to cheese even though I'm not sure

Slice me up Sunday

2007-10-21T10:08:00.000-04:00

I just realized that France said they would put me up in an apartment with a kitchen but i dont cook.

I think people in Paris cook all the time. Cooking if probably quite normal. Maybe I should sign up for a cooking class.

A man yesterday:

him: "you are moving to Paris, you better hold your nose"
me: "Oh cause they dont curb their dogs?"
him: "No"
waiting
waiting
waiting
(then i walked away, he was done. And not that I finish many thoughts, especially on here, but he could have offered up ANYTHING even resembling a point dont you think?)

My neighboor told me her mom likes to talk just to talk. Apparently this woman could hold a conversation with Osama or even a blackberry bush all the same. So you can see why I was interested in joining them for dinner last night just to witness this phenomenon. So there we were at dinner and the conversation had been flowing smoothly. We placed our orders with the waitress, sat there sipping our drinks, and there it was, the first moment of silence. It lasted about 3 seconds....

"I like spinach" she said.

HAHAHAH. I tried so hard to hold in my laughter. Soo hard, i promise if there was any way to NOT laugh, i would have done it, but it was too good. There was NO context, just a blanket statement of loving spinach (no ones order even included spinach, I dont remember seeing spinach on the menu). But the thing is, that I love spinach tooo so I had to share this with her and that was basically the only thing i could do to keep from bursting into a laughing fit. Eve was almost crying, covering her face to stop the laughter. Her parents are so awesome. Especially her dad, he looks like a young Dustin Hoffman and has the most soothing voice ever.

Ok enough of this nonesense. I need to skate.

Forget the rumors

2007-10-20T19:00:00.000-04:00

If you have been listening, you might have heard that a certain inez of a certain blog is depressed, lonely, cracked up, overexposed, but I'm sorry, what, whats that you say? you are too doped up on pain killers that you cannot understand? thats ok. today was the perfect dosage of skating, jeff and jeff, then two santa clause hours in the darkroom on 14th. i had the place to myself. no interuptions, no cell phones, just me and my negatives of times past. i used all my paper up and you say i never write about good things.....

When your friends dont get you

2007-10-20T00:48:00.000-04:00

From: Inez
Sent: Thursday, October 18, 2007 11:19 AM
To: Caro
Subject: RE: Halloween

caro, i need your help. i need to make a list of everyone

From: Caro
Sent: Thu 10/18/2007 11:30 AM
To: Inez
Subject: RE: Halloween

everyone?? Well is going to be very hard to get the spelling of people living in asia.
I think if i make a few calls to my people, we should be able to get a roster for the entire south america.
I could get my cousin get me a list of central america people.
you should be able to get people in the north and canada, please include french people

We could ask fernando to get the spanish people
Chichi should be able to get some people from africa
we still need to cover australia (ask LS) and north and south pole.

are penguins included in this roster??

*******************************************************************************

God damn I love Caro. No matter what kind of nonsense I write her, she is always there to respond. I will miss that girl more than she will ever know. She is one of the few people that has made me laugh more than any other little ecuadorian could. she is good stuff.

monday

2007-10-15T09:26:00.000-04:00

You took a class on how to read people
was that at the learning annex?
i told you i was leaving
isnt that enough?
why does the level of detail not satisfy?
i sat on the steps of a brownstone
watching you stop in front of me and try to find your friends
i dont speak what you speak
i tried to make out the level of your crisis by your tone of voice
to the left of me was simone
i knew the tailor who had my wedding dress was within a block or two
i longed for the future as i sat in the past

on the way home i thought about painting
i looked in the paint box
the excuses come so easy
no newspaper

did you take that class with tina
have you looked in the mirror and practiced on yourself
why do you carry that saxophone if you are just gonna talk on your cell phone
i see these questions make you just as uncomfortable as my answers

sunday

2007-10-14T15:01:00.000-04:00

hey mami
button your coat
oh yeah
its gonna be a long nite
whats that? you met in a cult?
welcome to montana
i like to be taller than you
oh ah oh ah oh
i come from the land of the splitting earth
i am solid and human
and you
you speak nothin of the truth
you have no idea what you have signed up for
stay in colonia
tap on your stomach
let your liver increase
i am waving goodbye from my little window seat

in the dream you described
im standing next to you
the colors of the sun on the clouds on the earth on the horizon
you said
this is my new dawn

you said this is my new dawn

Super Heated Self Diagnosis

2007-10-10T23:13:00.000-04:00

We all know that this move to Paris has opened up a world of psychobabble emotions for me including stress, depression but not excluding happiness and excitement, its just that you hardly hear about that cause its not as interesting to write about. (I do get overwhelmed with excitment about this move) but thats the thing...ever since this move has become a reality, ever since the moments when I signed the paperwork sealing the deal, my BODY has been reacting.

My hots are TOO HOT
my colds are TOO COLD

now granted the nyc weather patterns for OCTOBER are completely wrong but I find it quite odd that I'm sitting on the subway in a wife beater sweating profusely while across from me is a man wearing three layers of button down shirts, sweater vests and a heavy trench coat and he seems perfectly fine....then next to him is a woman bascially wearing a sheep around her body! lol.

I have been online, asked people at the hospital (and no, not cafeteria workers, actual doctors!!!), esssentially ruled out early menopause, diabetes, std's, arthritis....whats really left is the bodys reaction to depression. Yes, I realize I have no professional ground to walk on here but hell its

MY BLOG
MY BODY
so MY DIAGNOSIS dammit! hehe.

thank you and goodnite

Snappish

2007-10-08T21:01:00.001-04:00

Ok so i snapped at Jeff tonight. Truth is, he is getting on my nerves. Who is Jeff? Jeff is this INCREDIBLE nyc skater who I first heard about and then met whilst on one of my marathon skates. In fact, I see him almost everyday and I stopped once and introduced myself. He taught me a few moves. Then came the others, his two friends who also skate with him. One 19 year old aussie and a forty somethin never married bronx man who makes beads and lives with his parents. They are this odd little trio of skaters thoroughly enjoying every minute they get to skate.

Sometimes I would hang out for a while and we'd chat it up. Its been a few months now, we have gotten to know eachother more. I found out that Jeff is married and my age. He never speaks of his wife and he wears his wedding ring on his thumb. I noticed he spends almost ALL his time skating and she's never come. He says its not her thing and they are "comfortably" extreme independents with their own lives yet somehow they remain married. He has also hinted at that she needed citizenship (8 years ago) and I think that he may have married her for that but maybe, at least, initially he was in love with her. Part of me thinks there is no way he can be happily married and mainly I think its because I have been there. With my ex fiance, we were completely different and yet we both kept telling ourselves it was ok. I mean, I hardly know Jeff so who am I to judge. I just see this sadness in him and I see it in the others too. But I'll get to them in a second.

Recently, they have all started to completely annoy me. Let me explain...theres this path that sort of circles around where we skate. And they have this sort of imaginary clock they've turned it into so whenever they see some "hot" chick, they speak to eachother in terms of what time she falls into. At first, I was amused by this mainly cause I never really noticed it before. But once you start to really pay attention to the type of women that run/walk/skate/bike on this path, you see that its constant rush hour of hot women. They even have names for the women: Dimples - some chick who is so in shape she has dimples in her back
Angus - some chick with extra meat which they love
Jailbait - do i have to explain?
and then variations, theirs "senior dimples" who is an older version of regular dimples, theres mini angus, theres at least 3 jailbaits. And the list goes on. Well now its to the point where I can hardly have a conversation with any of these guys without them GAUKING and yelling out the time of some hot chick. And you see, they can live their lives however they want. What bothers me is that when I make fun of them for practically losing conciousness over the hotness of some chick, they get all defensive and try to justify over and over how they are really appreciating women and its a compliment to women and how they dont discriminate and also, and especially for "married" Jeff, how he has every right to admire other women. And I agree, he can admire. But if I was his wife and witnessed this CONSTANT nightly female admiration club, I would likely start to wonder if something is not quite fullfilling in his life.

My friend Christine says I'm just at a different place right now and they dont get it. I'm incredibly lonely and nervous a lot. I used to get great satisfaction from skating all the time and releasing these thoughts but now I get annoyed just THINKING about these guys. I thought about why I stopped and why I got to know these guys in the first place. And the truth is, I feel so distant from my friends cause we have such different lives now that I thought I could make some new ones. And now I am just bored with these guys. They really have little to offer me. And instead of feeling good about myself, I leave feeling wierd. Like I started sizing myself up against some of these women and I felt inadequate. And I hate that feeling. And whats worse, I have NO REASON to feel that way.

And tonight I snapped at Jeff cause I told him about this biker who yelled at me:

"So this asshole biker yelled at me tonight"

And his response essentially assured me he was not paying any attention. He cuts me off "Oh so OK, so did you wink and smile at him"

"Uhh no, why would I..."

Cuts me off again "You should have winked and worked on your smile" (these guys always talk over eachother. oftentimes they are all talking at the same time, to eachother, not paying any attention to what the other is saying)

I previously told him about this cute guy I have seen skating up and down the path and he wants me to smile at him. But the asshole biker had NOTHING to do with that. Sometimes I think he has a one track mind. So I kinda snapped "WHY would I wink and smile at an ASSHOLE biker"

He got big eyed and sort of looked at me alarmingly. I felt bad but what the hell.

This holding tank lifestyle is really not my thing. I'm starting to lose my mind. I need to move. dammit GE and France...i want to MOVE!!!!!

Kissing for Sparks

2007-10-07T11:21:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time a million years ago I had this friend who tried to set me up with her cousin. She was so excited and couldnt wait for me to meet him. He was cute, serially nice, sweet, awkwardly funny and all that. But for some reason, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried. My friend was so sure that we would be this perfect fit. I almost felt like I was letting her down by not being into it. So finally, after at least three dates (maybe 4 or 5, this was years ago), I decided I would give it one last try and kissed him. I had conjoured up this rational that the final straw would be in his kiss....well I felt NOTHING. literally no sparks, nothing. My friend was PISSED off that I kissed him and then called it off. She could not see my reason.

Which brings us to last night. A different friend was stuck in a similar situation. And I've met this guy. He is everything. Funny, smart, handsome, tall, edgy, the works! But yet my friend just didn't get that feeling you get when you are with someone you really like. And fast forward two years later, they are still friends. She tells me that on many of their "friend" outings, he has always tried to be more and she would decline. So last night I had enough...he went to the bathroom and I looked at her and asked her what the hell was wrong with her. how could she NOT like this guy???? I could see it in her eyes that she really WANTED to like him that way. I told her to kiss him. Again with my rational on its in his kiss.

Well about an hour later, I saw him go in for the kiss.

She calls me later last night:

"Hey Inez, its "friend", I'm on my way home, my head still hurts from hitting the astro turf*. I dropped "him" off and yeah, I dont think its there, I just dont know what it is. I will talk to you tomorrow"

(*um, we did some cartwheels on this astro turf [YES, in Manhattan]. it was all fun and games until she landed on her face. haha)

Now granted its still too early to realize the consequences of this kiss but I think and still stand by my reason that sometimes when you dont have that perfect fit and you really want to, I think the rule out scenario is to check for spark plugs on his lips.

Ps. men, if you really want to get a girl, smoking ciggs before the first kiss is not good. At least bring some gum with you.

Even Aliens discriminate the old

2007-10-02T21:50:00.000-04:00

And its not like I THINK I'm old but being 33 isn't exactly fresh and young when it comes to dating. According to the New York Press, even my eggs are too old. Prime eggs peak around 18 and then stop peaking near age 25. Of course I try to LIVE "young" and I THINK "fresh" so I'm confident in my eggs even now. They are wise and sharp. Not at all ready for retirement.

Where was I? yes, the alien on the subway. I was crossing to the 4/5 express at 42nd st (typical commute) and I stepped around a man holding a hand drawn diagram of his "universe". Which apparently wanted only spiritual godly people and if you were female, he specifically pointed out that you CANNOT be a minute over 29 to enter his congregation. He was refusing "old women"!!! And he defined OLD by 30 and ABOVE!!!That mullet haired bastard.

Cause I see even my male friends (in their 30's) checking out younger women. Fresh meat. The Older man (aka last man i dated) went from me to a 26 year old (so i heard). And he was 53. Then this guy at work has a cute friend I met on Friday night whose 28 and he just broke up with an 18 year old!

EIGHTEEN! what are we taking from this?

men of all ages want ripe younger women with fresh parts but not necessarily fresh minds. And this essentially CLARIFIES the point made by my older skater friend from last Saturday night when we were chatting....he said:

"...men only want a relationship with "the one" and anyone else they just want to have fun with"

Ok. I don't see anything super wrong with that. If we believe it then there is some shred of hope for us that men actually continue to quest for the "one". but then again, do you think when a man decides to date someone years younger than him, do you think he has already decided there is no way this is the "one". Do you think he will just play it out as long as he can until even a HINT of "relationship" surfaces? Perhaps there is something to this. I don't know.

Its all just tuesday nite chatter.

ps. thanks to all who chimed in with my warning signs of sadness, I am so thankful for you all.

what do you want to hear

2007-10-01T20:28:00.001-04:00

Did you come here to read about how happy I am? How wonderful being single is? How I cannot wait to move to Paris?

NO. You came here cause you want the truth. And cause I'm (mostly) not afraid to tell it straight.

Ok so on the west side path, right as I'm approaching the totally GORGEOUS column-aide area which sits on a cliff and overlooks the hudson and is pretty much the coolest view I've ever seen, I got super sad. TERRIBLY SAD. I almost cried. But I fought it, I fought for the tears TO COME out. God dammit, I am so sick of being sad. I want the tears OUT OF MY BODY! But they wouldn't come. They were not ready I guess. Why? I dont know. What I do know is that sadness is there so that happiness MEANS more. I need it. I crave it. How can I be happy all the fucking time. I was there to burn off the energy. To see the red lighthouse. Because its a story. I like stories and this is the story of how far I skated. How I need competition and how I can skate to the cloisters faster than your stupid local train reminding you not to ride on the outside.

And I wasn't going to tell you this. I was refraining from talking sad. I didn't want you to know about it. But tonight a friend agreed that I should NOT call/email/fax the lawyer I met on the subway and it was RIGHT then that I knew I was not letting lonliness rule my life. I knew that I was making choices based on hard core truths and not dreams of kissing lips.

damn the truth
damn the truth

Go ahead readers and push back the fear, the sadness, release it in the bag around your carrier piggeon and let it fly away. I will handle all residual feeling and skate it up north, leave it at the GW bridge.

And under that bridge is the cute saxophone player who never plays his saxophone but sits near it looking totally hot. I had to smile. I DID smile. and maybe cause he might as well be in alaska.

I dont want to live here anymore but I cant stand leaving.

French Lessons in the states

2007-09-27T10:29:00.000-04:00

I am consistently given the advice that, when in France, always try to speak French first, then once the Frenchie see's you are useless, they will (hopefully) return to you in English. So fine, I have no problem doing that. But a few weeks ago I attended this inline skating event here in NYC and met a few frenchies who were very impressive skaters. Particularly Chloe, she has this one behind the leg with the other leg in the opposite hand whilst twisting and slaloming thru cones. Its pretty cool.

Ok so I mustered up the confidence to approach her and make my introduction. I said "Hello, I'm AnnaLisa" and she starred at me as if she didn't understand. I then said "J'mappelle AnnaLisa" to which she finally responded "Oh, I'm Chloe". Hmmmmmmmmm.

I thought this interaction over for about a half a second and realized that I need to get used to this. Although, my disclaimer for this incident would be that I assumed, being in the states, that it would be KOSHER to speak first in English. However, to a French person, or at least to Chloe, this was not acceptable.

A few minutes later I was introduced to another Frenchie and had a similar interaction. Or at least I felt slightly...looking for the word here...demeaned? or just felt bad/wierd. I dont know. He refused to tell me where people skate in Paris. He simply said "the south". Which did nothing to narrow down the location for me. After some probing, I got him to mention "near the public library" which I will have to look up. I haven't yet. I'm still upset because I hate to be hated. I need lovin all the time day and nite!!

haha. kidding. well mostly kidding.

French Advice from French Man

2007-09-27T09:54:00.000-04:00

Mr. Jean Labarre. Yes - he is the reason I am moving to Paris. He is a french man currently living in Chicago with his American wife and he used to work in the Paris office I'm going to work in. He knows everyone there. He passed along my resume to his people. Ok ok. so then once I was hired he emailed asking if it was really true. Did i accept the offer. Yes. we know i did. But then I wanted him to CONFIRM what everyone had told me about how much the French dislike Americans and here is what he said about that:

...As for Paris …no, they don’t dislike Americans there, they just dislike everybody. That shouldn’t be too much of a change coming from New York!...

...Seriously, though, my word of advice would be to never approach somebody speaking in English. Say at least one or two sentences in French and ask them if they speak English. Generally, they will (albeit poorly, sometimes…) and they will be happy to help you since you showed good will. On the other hand, if you’re like “hey how do I do this or do that” right away, they’ll purposely mislead you (at least, that’s what I would do when I was living over there J)...

I LOVE how he totally admitted that he would mislead an American too. At least he is being dead honest with me. That is MUCH appreciated. Thank you JL.

never had a touch to lose

2007-09-24T12:41:00.000-04:00

Haha. starting out with a joke. of course im CERTAIN the only person on earth who would get that joke (in the title) is Mr. Wes Anderson himself. I borrowed the quote of course from Bottle Rocket. Mr. Andersons greatest feat yet. (i havent seen The Darjeeling Limited And the point is that last night I found myself completely blank when a cute guy approached me at the movies. I sat in front of him during the film and we were on the escalators down and he started talking to me. As soon as I opened my mouth I knew I would be a disaster. I hadn't planned on talking to anyone except the ticket guy and I was, well, completely dumbfounded. I started stuttering...thinking about the entire thing in my mind WAY TOO MUCH...As we both left the building, I had no idea what to do or say and so I turned and walked away. Not even a "have a good nite" came from my mouth. I was silent. I walked on slowly and shamefully. I BIG LOSER I felt like. I mean honestly, I dont know why I felt so bad, I'm not trying to meet anyone but I can't believe that so much time has gone by since my last man, I have actually forgotten how to flirt! Or even TALK to a guy.

Admittedly, I am lonely. I long to be in love but I'm leaving the states, and as lonely as I am, I cannot deal with getting into something to just up and leave it. And I'm definately not looking for just sex...But human touch and affection is what I miss. Yes, dammit. I do. And so I simply could NOT go home after that disaster of a:

a. movie (superbad is the worst film)
b. bad encounter with cute guy

So I wandered into my local pub hoping to see Laura and/or Brian and to my utter SHOCK there was this new girl behind the bar. *MONICA* Well maybe not new but I'd never seen her before and I thought I knew everyone. So I didn't even know what to do. My signature drink (margarita on the rocks with salt) was ONLY to be trusted with Brian first and then since he taught Laura, her rendition is acceptable. But who was Monica and how on earth could she make a decent drink!!!

THESE HORRIBLE thoughts were going through my mind. I was about to walk out and Monica insisted I try hers (on the house!) to compare. Ok So I stayed. I couldnt believe how nice she was being and I was apologizing like a freak trying not to make her feel bad. So she whipped up her own.

And well, I lied. I lied through my teeth that it was "comparable" to Brians. Seriously though, it was WAY better than most places in town but not even CLOSE to Brians. Sorry Monica! It was a good effort so I tipped her well.

So in conclusion, yesterday, although 24 miles of skating occured, I have certainly lost any potential "touch" I may have had in the past with dudes. Thus further proving my longing for human touch and affection thus ever FURTHER proving that I am going to have to get another massage today with Abe. That bastard owes me anyway since I bought last week.

Thank you and good nite.

Big LONG Day

2007-09-23T18:28:00.000-04:00

This day did not start when i woke up. This day started when I skated to the OPPOSITE END of this most beautiful island of Manhattan!!!!

Yes, you heard me. TO THE END. oh and did I mention AND BACK. There were some short water fountain and stretching breaks but mostly I did NOT stop.

Back at the other end, I sat on a bench and watched the people and the water. I am really gonna miss this place.

total time: ~4 heurs

behind the scenes

2007-09-19T22:30:00.000-04:00

When my friend adamantly denied me from blogging about her relationship, I asked her then what am I supposed to blog about?...she said "Paris you fool!" (I added the fool part but I know she was thinking that). and I guess that got me thinking that as I mentally prepare myself for this, I don't really talk about it much do I.

***BUT I ASSURE YOU READERS, I THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME*****

like today at 3:30pm on the way up the west side as I passed the crazy silver string bikini grandma who does ballet and tonight when I was watching the worst episode of greys anatomy ever...I thought, goodbye good television, goodbye stupid lady, I rode down the path (on skates) against the wind thinking of all the things I will be saying goodbye to. A friend recently said to me I would like living in Paris but I probably wont stay long at all. And he hardly knows me. We were friends back in Georgia but its been years. I wondered if he was just super intuitive and is basing that prediction on who I used to be or who I have become now (our current friendships exists soley online chatting). It wasn't supposed to bother me but it did.

I am scared about this move, YES. And I go through moments where I am so fucking scared, I cannot breathe. Then there are these incredible moments like earlier tonight when I was making my bed and thinking how excited I am for that moment when I say my first French sentence that a French person actually understands! And I get all googly. Incidentally I was also thinking that Google (the company) gets a LOT of play from me (several times per HOUR of each and every day) so perhaps the day I move, they could decorate their google logo in true FrancoAmericanoAnnaLisa!

Of course I also spend a bit of time, of course, dealing with the fact that this is not really happening to me and my flight to Paris will certainly end mid-ocean and plummet vertically to my ultimate death!. haha.

But the deal is, this is ALL about moving away from your comfort zone. The little things that you need to remind you that you are ok. For me, right now, its not a person, but its the island I live on, the familiar pier I spend every sunset on, the slimey man at the deli who makes my iced coffee just perfect, even the shoe maker (Manny) who I just met last week is my new best friend. I know these are all things I can get certainly (over time) in Paris but they are familiar and comfortable and I love them.

The little 8 year old on Kid Nation said "I'm just too young for this I think" and left the show. I feel like the 15 year old who is completely comfortable on their own. I'm at the right age I think. I just dont want to sit around telling myself all this shit to "justify" this move. I get a slice of enjoyment telling people "Why not?" when they continually ask me "Why are you moving to Paris?". I don't really need a reason like a kid needs a reason to leave their school desk. I can just do whatever I want. And likewise, I will be responsible for my decisions no matter how they turn out.

In my mind, moving to Paris at 33 is LESS of a gamble than laying down $100 bucks on a roulette table. Its true.

I think this is stage 4 which I like to call "getting hungry". I placed the order hours ago, where is my FOOD!!!

NEVER go to Connecticutt

2007-09-18T20:32:00.000-04:00

I really wanted to blog about the madness of my friends new relationship but i have been banned from it due to superstition management that, apparently, lasts forever.

However, I'm not banned from telling you to NEVER stay at a sheraton hotel even if the only other option is a campground with no running water. AND DO NOT let the pictures fool you. The big bright shiney indoor HEATED pool is merely an over-chlorinated bowl of half dead flies who can only do the backstroke in circles. AND if you think you can be a big loner in your room avoiding all human contact, you are dead wrong. the room service people are insane. I have recieved a grand total of 13 phone calls from them in the last two days for two meals, neither of which were even close to the quality of my duane reade ramen noodles 10/pack. I miss my noodles. I miss them so.

At this point I don't have any France updates except that my CRAZY cousin and his wife are BOOKED to visit me for Christmas!!!

Yes, i have no place to live, no xmas tree, and yet visitors are already on their way!!

ok maybe i should change the title to NEVER stay at a Sheraton, but I'm too lazy. of course it was laziness that put me here in the first place. I just had zero time to fully search out the scenario of coming here. And of course I had to work the entire trip around me doing the LEAST amount of driving possible. I simply cannot stand driving!! Mainly cause of the death situation. I love the:
Car
other people driving the car
other people driving me in the car
other people driving me in the car speeding and zipping
other people flying
training
biking
parachuting
water taxis
you name it
but I REFUSE to drive it.

and they gave me this GIANT luxury vehicle. i should be driving miss daisy in this damn thing, dont even ask me who makes it, but I requested a small car and this is like driving a house boat!

back to boredom

Flesh Light Friends

2007-09-16T22:50:00.000-04:00

Somehow today I went from enjoying an egg white omelette to testing various hand scrubs around a tub, to looking down into the center of a GIGANTIC rubber anus. The demonstration "flesh light" which is a seriously big flash lite looking anus for male gay sex pleasure! Aside from the play on words, this thing is seriously like a giant anus flash light. As I starred in amazement, I couldnt help but picture the next emergency situation where I would think I'm reaching for a standard flash light to guide my way but instead, pick up the flesh light! And I assure you, there were definately no lights. It was as close to the real anus as possible.

My disgustingly cute gay boys were so excited by this, that they each bought one and raced home to try them out! haha. I will not describe the post flesh light experience phone call I recieved but I will say that being single really isn't that bad as long as you have giant flesh eating anus friends to keep things interesting!

Thanks boys! :)

bleacher seat

2007-09-13T21:24:00.000-04:00

When you are not dating, its fun to sit back and watch your single friends. I suppose I provide the same level of amusement to them during bouts of dating but right now I have a few exciting reports from the game.

Friend #1 - (who reads this so I'll be nice). A sordid past (and somewhat present), she spent way too long sleeping with a married man. And beyond the standard mistress role she played, it was clear to almost EVERYONE on earth that he clearly did not respect her and we could not wait for her to let go of the situation. well in comes the new potential man. TV would call him the core shaker. seems he has tapped into the "right time and right place" side of her life and its all smiles right now. The main observation which I am just LOVING is that, for a woman who loves sex, she has remained "chaste" (she has even been, apparently, dammed by a published virgin for her sex life) with this man despite the serial connection and amount of time spent with him! We, in the box office, are extremely proud of her current behavior and believe this new man, who is single and not without his own Louis Vuitton baggage, is great and currently treating her with the exact amount of respect she deserves! I always trusted she would find the right way, even if the path was laid with bombs and poison ivy.

Friend #2 - Extremely unhappily married. Getting divorced or separated very soon but still living together. There are a few young kids. And its been a good 12 years since she has been on a date. Clearly there is a lot to catch her up on. I have trouble keeping up with her "dating" life as it seems to be normal on the outside, a few dates here and there, dinners, drinks, etc, but then, when the liquor is flowing one nite, i learn she has found "love" but in the form of a "married man". and there is an ocean between them (a LARGE ocean) and so we have a triple decker complication. My advice: go get tested for every STD. If she plans on all this monkey business with people who have people, then she must get a baseline blood round of testing done. And she is so thankful for advice. She soaks it up. Then, in the midst of a dinner last week, with her, myself and various other people she brought together (she's a great net worker) including an apparent stranger off the street, the wine is a flowin and soon I am told in a loud whisper at the dinner table that a quazi threesome has taken place with her and some others at the table. I had to laugh. There really is no scenario that could shock me. Just the day before, another friend and I were reminiscing about the date she had with the man who had a surprise colostomy bag.

good times! so thank you friends, for the amusement and for the stories....and please dont hate me.

sandboxed

2007-09-11T21:43:00.000-04:00

Ok fine, so its my own fault.

Cause now at least 500 times a day I am forced (at conversation point) to speak of this move to France. And only because everyone is so damn excited for me and that is GREAT~ but i feel very much like when i got engaged (ps. in case you didn't get the memo or read the title of the blog, no it didn't work out and we didn't marry) but just the very site of the ring causes, as you can imagine, a millennium of questions...when is it, where is it? whose coming? did you pick a dress? are you having kids? how many? when will you start? and on and on

and now, I have gotten "engaged" with Paris and I am wearing the ring around my entire face/body/soul. And its ALL about the questions. my friend Caro came up to me today and asked if I was going to buy a refrigerator when I moved? lol. she was very interested in where i planned on buying electronics in Paris. She also is giving me her limited edition versace phone as a going away. well more of a trade for my limited edition easel and paint supplies. and by "limited" i mean hardly used cause I have high hopes of being an artist that have never passed the level of "hope".

so fine, I'll deal. ask away, ask too much, ask nothing, i am open.

but i don't have more than half of these answers. MORE THAN HALF. I'm so tempted to draw a chart of how little i know about this move.

and funnily enough, i am going through my files, my almost 8 years of graphics and charts and pictures and crap i did whilst pretending to work and well, i am apparently VERY visual. Below are some of my choice diagrams found from over the years:

this is from the cafeteria incident where i got yelled at for getting mayo at the condinment area, illustrating how i was clearly giving this woman PLENTY of room to share the space:

this is when my friend Chichi was not emailing me enough

This is from when i was trying to explain to the post engagement "crush" where to meet me for the laser eye surgery. (recall: he said we were "just friends")

This was from when I was getting ready to fly to Brussels and I wanted to make sure my friend ChiChi could identify my body when the plane plummeted vertically to the earth killing everyone.

and this is one of my all time fav's. when my ex's sister had a baby, and my friends INSISTED on pics which, at the time, i didn't have so i had to make do with a rendition of what i saw when i visited her in the hospital.

theres just so many more...so so many.

I think I'll start tellin people I'm moving to Wisconsin

thoughts while staying awake

2007-09-10T22:11:00.000-04:00

listening to crowded house's "whispers and moans" which reminded me of my new multi million dollar invention i invented this weekend at my friends party whilst half listening to my stupid guy friends discuss their porn activity (aka - being themselves).

the "iBrater"

its an attachment to my ipod nano which allows for maximum enjoyment pretty much at any time. Thats right Mr. Jobs! somebody get somebody important on the line....STAT!!!

i went scanning through my -prepare paris- online meet up groups and what not and found that there seems to be either 20 or 50 somethings. no 30 somethings. its very odd. where is this 30 something group? are they all married? or in the mob? why wont they surface? maybe Paris is like the midwest where you are married by 19 and on your third kid by 23. maybe I will be outcast for my american AND 30 somethinsingleness.

maybe im a big fool. so then i got on craigslist NEW YORK. i need a french person who lives here for a while, wants to learn english and will talk to me in VERY simple french. i didnt find anything but then i started thinking that maybe im absolutely no good at teaching english. i dont know my participles from my adverbs. i end almost every sentence in a preposition and i generally speak in fragments. and i dont think that is so bad either. but maybe i could use this to my advantage and thus teach very SIMPLE english to this frenchie. where is this frenchie! i really should be going to the FIAF for their "rendevous" but that situation scares me to death. i have serious fears....I was waiting for a movie to start when people were showing up to one about a month ago and well it was too much. it was like face lift convention. good for the old ladies, bad for me. cause im not talkin about my cute little jam making grandma from oregon, we are talking about gucci versus prada versus me being mistaken for the wait service. lord knows i'd probably start servin just to save embarrasment of my poor french.

haha

the good news is that i feel better. not soo freaked right now. maybe the dreams tonight will be good or better maybe they will STAY OUT. i did chicken out and not get the PM pills. but mostly cause everything was closed by the time i got home.

Chaos before the move

2007-09-10T13:50:00.000-04:00

Lately I have had some trouble putting to words the insanity that my mind has conjured up regarding this giant move to Paris. And NOT the typical Anna Lisa insanity about all my silly observations about boys and people and what not. (notice i separate boys and people as they are not the same).

But it used to be that I would drift off about what life would be like if...

and now there certainly is no "what if" or just "if"....

everything is laid out before me.
And im standing facing it all

but see thats the thing, im standing there starring into this madness and I am PETRIFIED. I'm like a little petri dish thats connected to all kind of circuits and wires thats getting electro-zapped over and over causing little zappings to flow through my entire body.

I get these shocks mostly at nite (of course i hope my fellow readers realize that im not actually getting zapped, just using that as a way to describe anxiety) and in my dreams.

These damn dreams. Every stinkin nite I will dream about something that wreaks of anxiety. Being shot, knifed, running away from something, something i planned going terribly wrong, snakes and sharks eating me, you name it. Of course watching that HBO special about the war victims last night didnt exactly help me to dream pleasantly. lol

And so now, because I have reached the end of my rope, I'm going to purchase tylenol PM and give it a go. Despite the fact that i HATE taking pills. It may be the last hope.

God im SO SICK of explaining myself. I'm so sick of people not getting it. I'm impatient and annoyed. I need to be understoooooooodddddd. haha ok. too much drama? too much anna lisa? look away then...theres nothing to see here.

:):):):)

Demands

2007-09-04T18:20:00.000-04:00

My friend ChiChi says "this is annalisa time, selfish time" and she's right. I have two months left here. I am totally self absorbed right now. I got overwhelmed last week and ended up with a sore throat. I had a boy who appeared in my life and I got stressed out. And its not that he was not a good boy but I dont have time for a boy. I have time for my people, my things, my self only.

Somehow, I have convinced myself that, upon leaving, my mind cannot leave any unresolved issues, albiet with boys, with friends, with anyone. I will invite my ex to my going away party so that we can say goodbye. I am even considering sending an old friend an email, even though I vowed not to speak to her, I think its an OCD thing...Must finish...must resolve... as if im getting ready to die or something. I could be gone one year and decide I am useless in France. But these are the things that I think about to keep away the living nightmare of fright that is picking up and moving alone to a foreign country with a language i do not speak. So boysssssss. STAY BACK!

I have little time left and its reserved for my favorites. I'm sorry but thats it. Thats how it has to be.

xoxox
aL

how sterile can you not be

2007-08-27T12:55:00.000-04:00

Ok so I'm wrapping up my time here in the states which means I am taking care of business. This includes the dermatologist, the dentist, gyn the whole works. So i have to have this mole removed on my left boob and this happened today.

I'm not at all new to this procedure as, if you were ever to see me, you would see that my fair complextion is very friendly with skin cancer and the like. They are best friends actually. So sitting in the chair, gown on, and 1 of the two assistants comes in to set it up. I'm watching her lay out the setup. She has no gloves on. She opens each piece of equipment in the usual sterile fasion, only touching the edges of the wrapping and letting it drop down on the tray. Then after she drops each piece of equipment, she then takes her BARE hands and lines them all up. haha. so just to be clear, she completely touched each sterile piece of equipment with her bare hands thus removing any "sterile" properties they had.

I normally sit and do nothing but this time I asked the second assistant if she was "new". haha. my friend says that was ballsy. was it? I just thought maybe no one taught her properly. But the 2nd assistant said "she's off today, sorry".

No biggie, I love extra germs. Thanks for comin....

Poor bastards

2007-08-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

You know how sometimes people say that, in this GIANT New York city, it is so easy to feel completely and utterly "alone"? Well, as of lately, I totally understand what those poor bastards feel like. Its TRUE. yes. me. with all my friends and all my imagination, I feel empty.

You know the empty like when your nephew takes a kitchen fork and attempts to hollow out a huge pumpkin but he ends up piercing that orange biotch into a million little indentions and carvings. sure it looks nice with the lit candle inside but he's left so much pumpkin residue that now its caught fire and you are lucky he didn't kill little suzy the pet tortoise who thought it was dinner.

Mostly I just sit around the apartment moving from space to space as if its a 4 bedroom duplex and pretend im in a completely different part of my studio even though I can literally reach with the length of one arm into the previously occupied space. I watch a lot of movies, go online in search of something i cant pinpoint exactly (a man? a new website on paris? an email from someone suprising? a new person to chat with?) and then when none of that comes true, i walk away, sleep, drink, strange part is, i never spend any time looking out the window. in fact, they are completely covered most of the time by my curtains. theres not a whole lot to look at honestly.

i told brian, at my local bar, tonight i was "bored". he always wants to know whats going on and i guess he expects me to come in and start telling him exciting stories but i kinda shocked him. he asked why and honestly, i felt like the music stopped and everyone got quiet for a moment. I had essentially no response. I rattled something about being in limbo but I didn't expect to have to fend for my declaration.

Anyway, I want to sign the papers, I want whats not real to be real. I need this clarification. It prolly wont change much accept maybe I'll sleep more. My dreams are getting out of control. I had the spider one again.

The im totally awake one. I woke up at 12:30 (thinking its more like 3:30) and I'd been to bed MAYBE 15 minutes, into some insane dream and i jumped up, looked back at my pillow and this time the spider was crawling over it. I could see it. I saw it. I swear. But after a moment, I looked and couldnt find it. Then of course I couldnt get back to sleep cause I feared the spider would be lingering around. This is the third spider dream.

or spider awakening. not sure what to call it. but its number three and im countin.

tonight i got a massage. 10 of the quickest moments in the history of the world. dammit. But it was sure nice to be touched by a strong handsome asian immigrant. He didn't do it tonight but he sure knows about massaging the head like nobodys business.

we are all out of crazy

2007-08-20T00:35:00.001-04:00

ok ok. so im done with Americans in Paris. This latest email was the kicker. It was all I needed to close up shop. Yes, sure, it was entertaining for a while, but now its just plain boring and old. lol.

from a 57 year old japanese man:

I am interested in you very much; if can do it, want to associate seriously. It is that it is it to the life partner who spends the future life together after having repeated the exchange of the email in this way when I was able to really trust encounter, each other that I expect from you.
I recognize that we have a big age difference, but surely challenge it to have you forgive it. Can you have interest toward a Japanese man of the age like me? I am born and raised in Tokyo and I live in Tokyo now and work in the company of Tokyo. My work is left a distribution section to in a company handling an outfitting accessory in Tokyo and works as people in charge such as merchandise management and the management of the entrance and exit load. As for me, there is never yet the experience that married to appear; want to do it, and the child is not, too.

Hirohumi Ikeda

******************

and, again, what is MOST shocking here, is not his age or his trial version of english, but YES....he's being IN JAPAN and not at all an American and not at all in Paris. KILLS ME!

just kills me. i wont even show you his picture. i cant, its too mean.

Americans in Paris

2007-08-17T14:13:00.000-04:00

Well this personals site has gone from ridiculous to full blown entertainment. I have now recieved 23 "smiles" from men that are, essentially, not american and no where near France. Two of them are in France actually but just to give you folks an idea, I am inserting a Pie Chart breakdown of their country of origin and I assure you, most of these men are the nationality of their country and in most cases, speak only the native language (not french). Haha. How they got on this site is totally beyond me. Am I missing something here?

And just to be completely and utterly nit picky. I am including another chart which breaks down their ages.

Average Age 36.9
Min 20
Max 58

Ok ok, so no ones 80 (as i said in a previous post) but it still boggles me who on earth these men are and why are they interested in someone whose on the other side of the earth. and I HAVE dated a total wacko 52 year old who acted more like a 12 year old.

Here is the raw data in case you are a statistician and need to see it:

man country age
adrian_baker200    england    43
murphy4GOD    china    28
enjoy26u    france    47
benlife    us    32
ranaimran    pakistan    29
dreamingmale    japan    58
iskalix    france    34
poco    japan    49
turtles    italy    39
sushi711    japan    33
jayishere    germany    41
rustymott    australia    40
orangevale    japan    37
nonokichi    japan    42
worldspy    us    37
mrdaviled    china    20
chan88    indonesia    40
sagamimi102901    japan    43
dolphinw    japan    44
yuki_060    china    27
yannyow    taiwan    27
brown22    japan    27
rmoazami    iran    32

So there you go. And in conclusion, I propose an entire rewrite of the Americans in Paris website and personals section. Please have your proposals ready by monday and fax 5 copies to 1-800-URNOTREAL

Prepping

2007-08-16T11:11:00.000-04:00

Like any good woman about the leave her motherland, I have been researching life in Paris from A to Z. Somehow or other I came across this site www.americansinfrance.com and somehow or other I, curiously, clicked on the "personals" link and you will NEVER guess what i found. Its complete ridiculousness.

Firstly, I ASSUMED that it would be filled with billions of expat men of all ages looking for other american expats to hang with/chill/date/etc. but BOY was I dead wrong. Yes, there are lots of men, but maybe 10% actually live france, much less in Europe. These dudes live everywhere! and a MAJOR portion of them are white guys looking for asian women. And tons and TONS of asian men looking for white women. And like any good dating site, no one pays attention to your age range (my cap is at 40) and 80 year olds are writing me.

Well I was almost so fed up with the entire thing but then decided that, since im not gettin any and basically not dating at all, seeing how this unfolds will provide some entertainment for me and I have kept up my profile. Here is my latest favorite "email" from someone named Murphy4GOD:

Sender: murphy4God
Subject: hi pretty
Date Received: 2007/08/16 01:08
Hello sexy, you won't believe that i have been looking up your profile for more than minutes now, i have watched your photos over anbd over again, i could not take a step to another profile, i deemed it necessary to let you know that you caught my attentions, nothing would be more fufilling to me than to meet an Angel living in another part of this world like you, i could say more to describe you oustanding beauty, but that would mean flattering you with words, and that does not go down too well with me as i believe in actions to prove my worth..lol, i really would love to meet you.that is more important to me now.hope you reciprocate my mail.read from you soon.julian

And another email I recieved was signed "Love". I am wondering if Americans aren't so forward afterall. Maybe we are subdued compared to these outerwordly dudes. Or maybe I have stumbled on the worlds dumbest dating site. There's a guy in Baltimore who "smiled" at me the other day. A guy from Thailand the day before. I dont understand how these people ended up on Americans In France. They dont seem to have anything to do with France at all. It simply makes zero sense, which is, incidentally, what is also intriguing to me. So I pounce on, if anything, to have a good laugh.

Anyway, I'm getting prepared to make the transition to my new "Paris" blog. I will announce the site and get it all prepped once the contract is signed. Should be a in a week or so.

Stay tuned.

INez!

Decisions

2007-08-13T11:46:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I smiled at a cute guy who was smoking on the steps while I was walking to burritoville. He was gone by the time I passed by again walking home.

That is the extent of my male relationships at this time. And for all the main reasons:

1. moving to france
2. no good men left
3. stopped caring

but of course the first reason is the most important. so now I sit here with a new email in my inbox which is the last and final proposal from france and they are over there awaiting decision. so I must make this decision. and that is honestly, what is on my mind lately.

what in the hell is wrong with men

2007-07-10T22:12:00.000-04:00

Call it what you want, but I simply need to slow down with men and THAT MEANS, yes, brace yourself, cause I know what I'm about to say may be shocking to most, but my plan/goal is to really get to know the next man BEFORE getting physical.

What does that even mean? Well it means, simply, that no man will see my naked body unless they

a. can name my favorite movie
b. list the 8 bordering countries to turkey
c. describe all the members of my immediate family
d. agree to get a brand new set of all STD tests and actually show me the report
e. laugh in the right places
f. meet my selected special group of friends
g. prove that they are not completely and utterly normal in the regular sense of the word

YES. i KNOW this may seem abnormal to most of you. but you must at least pretend to understand that I simply refuse to go through all the bullshit again. YEs, sex is just wonderful to get but it aint worth the hellish pain that I have been through. and I know I'm being vague but frankly, that aint none of your bizness.

But on a more serious note: what is SOOO important about rushing into meeting someone. do we all think the clock is ticking? are we in SUCH a hurry to "seal the deal" because we think its our only chance? Honestly, there are sooooo many ways and means with which to seal the deal out there and especially in nyc. So why oh why are we in such a hurry.

I'm totally built in a different way. I think sometimes I must be living in the wrong time period.

Sometimes when I'm bored at work I walk around and talk to (or annoy) all my coworkers. Theres one in particular who is always good for bullshitting. And the other day I'm looking over his shoulder at his "buddy" list scrutinizing everyone on it. I come to this one guy, lets call him sheepshead, and i ask all about him. he's my age exactly and so ok, i grab my coworkers keyboard and start typing to him as if. 95% out of boredom and 5% out of curiosity.

nothing. so then, and admittedly stupid, i add him to MY OWN buddy list. he see this a few days later and late on the following saturday he writes me. i tell him straight up who i am, that i was bored and thats why i added him, that im NOT looking to date anyone but im happy to chat with him, etc etc.

so we continue chatting and getting to know eachother (which incidentally was my plan in effect) and then he starts up with all this sex talk and i realize almost immediately he's a big ass and i would never date him even if i wanted to. but since i made that clear i kept chatting but not at all indulging him in his crap. i kept it clean. anyway, he wanted a photo

no

he wanted me to call him,

no

then he went on and on about how im playing games and i am hiding behind some fear, etc etc. and now he refuses to speak to me. he says the only way he will communicate is if i call. lol.

that is, mind you, after less than 24 HOURS of even knowing him. he's ready to call and meet and sex. and im not even gonnna get into the fact that he's an out of work illegal alien because I was stopped at personality alone. And so my boredom and thirst for human contact has once again led me astray.

the same thing happened when my life fell apart and i was in a online support group looking for some help. i happened to speak to a guy who lives in this city with a similar problem and he has ceased all communication with me simply because I refused to meet him. It was a support group, not a fucking dating group. i needed someone to talk to, i thought this was clear but anyway, you see my frustration.

hopefully, or maybe you TOO think im playing some game? do you? Well I'm hardfast with this new set of rules. I really cannot go through bullshit again. and i aint talking just about a broken heart here, im talking about hard core physical pain. So if a guy isn't willing to go at my speed then why bother.

that is exactly how i feel. no games
no bullshit
just the way it is

back from whereever

2007-06-11T12:23:00.000-04:00

Likely against my better judgment, I just feel like blogging. I haven't been dating but not shockingly, there is always some crap with men going on. The last guy I was seeing fizzled out. And again, without any type of explanation.

I have wasted time wondering why, making assumptions, all that. And for what? I dont feel any better now. I have no resolution. I feel angry most of the time but I also hope it will pass.

Post him, I decided to take a very long break. I haven't been feeling well and I just dont think its a good idea to date anyone. I did, however, start talking with what I hoped would be a friend in this chat room online (not a dating site). I was there becaues I was depressed and hoped to talk it out with someone else. I guess we sort of enjoyed chatting with eachother. But soon after our chats, he made it clear that he was looking for someone, not just a friend, but more. I made it clear I was not. And then for some reason, we kept chatting. Mainly cause I enjoyed it and I guess so did he.

On some level I thought he understood I wanted to be just friends but based on his wanting to know what I looked like and what color my eyes were and all that physical stuff, I realized that he was hoping for more than friends. And maybe he thought i was as well. The problem was, I was selfish. I kept talkin to him because it made me feel better to have this friend (be it: virtual). I even indulged him on his physical questions for fear he would stop talking to me if I didnt.

This was my mistake. And it confused him of course.

So when he wanted to finally meet up in person, I declined and he was even more confused. We stopped talking on sunday.

The main thing I've noticed about myself is that in order to stop thinking about one guy I replaced him with another. I didn't intentially do this but I noticed talkin to the guy online did distract me from thinking about the other guy.

And I didn't intentionally mean to confuse or upset the online guy. I have got to stop talking to guys in general. I just need a break from men altogether until I can sort myself out.

break

2007-04-12T13:52:00.001-04:00

im taking a break for a while from this.
and thats that

taking the long way home

2007-04-09T09:27:00.000-04:00

saturday nite i had a date with the sexy older man.

we sat at the trailer bar of trailer park and he told me almost everything. he was so open. i was myself which means he knows almost everything about me too. i told him about my total spine. he told me he wrote some screen plays. i later emailed him a picture (of my spine) and heres his response:

Inez,
Suddenly I feel like I know even more about you. About what you are really like on the inside..

It is amazing!

S.O.M.

Enough to make me want to see him again. i love that feeling where you hardly know someone yet you feel like you've known them forever. i know these feelings are like that HIV/AIDS commercial with the pink balloons. they look so pretty for a second, then they all pop. love being fleeting. get tested. well sure. why not but the message is clear. so this feeling i feel. i am really enjoying it.

Dead man's switch

2007-04-05T09:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I go over moments in my mind. Moments I wish i hadn't the ability to speak or move or see. I wish i could just stop, rewind and retry. like at rehearsal dinner for my friend S. thats the night of the infamous lip bruising kiss from the lip bruiser. the thing is, i should have just let go and walked away RIGHT after the dancing. dear god that was some of the sexiest most mouth watering most desirable most incredulicious dancing i have ever done with a man. im talking INTENSE....and so right after, i should have released the dead man's switch.

that stops everything. we use it here in radiology. when the doctors cannot talk, they release the switch. and i need one of these switch's for my life. maybe i should check craigslist.

its only tuesday

2007-04-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not even sure why I pressed the button to start a post. I dont feel that full of thoughts. In fact, I have been telling people lately exactly how I feel. I wrote the russian and said hello. He said he'd been thinking about me. Its been over a month. this means something dont you think?

im a firm believer in a few things:

a. letting people off the train before i enter
b. someday my ship will come in
and c. that when i want something bad enough, i WILL do everything i can to get it.

so this is why i told the russian its not enough. he's not even close to giving me enough. the truth is, the poet, he set the bar high. the next man who enters my life will have a LOT to measure up against. my friend L said the poet relationship was good because i finally caught a glimpse of how i should be treated, how i DESERVE to be treated.

so why did i even write the russian? god knows why i do anything.

-loneliness?
-boredom?
-who the hell even cares.

its over. we have this one guy in contention. i met him in the city. he's at least 20 years older than me. divorced, no children. totally hot. very nice. he will get a dinner. we already made out once in a cab. but we were both drunk and it was late. haha.

on another note, i always carry a song with me (on the ipod) to help the smiling and the day...there are some i wouldnt share, too embarrasing, but heres the latest one and you wouldnt believe how nice a waltz sounds when you are squirming through the masses in the morning rush with the crane lifting the cement pourer over your head:

"Waltz (Better Than Fine)"

If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore

No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine

If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine

-fiona apple

need to blog

2007-03-30T10:58:00.000-04:00

i spent a good part of the morning laughing with one of my dearest friends G. He's also my landlord and one of the smartest guys I know. Anyway, he moved away and is back for a visit and i forgot how funny he is. We were driving out to his storage space in Jersey to retrieve an in apartment air conditioner for the summer.

we talked about assumptions. more specifically all the assumptions i have made lately. especially with this guy. in that moment the last time i saw him when he stood there and said he could not explain, I simply assumed it was over, he was ending it, and I walked away with this assumption in my pocket. I continue to assume this even today. There were at least two people, who had heard the story, who told me they didn't really think it was a "dumping" or even a "break up". But I have carried these assumptions around with me and continue to do so.

I didn't realize these were my choices. I thought the choices were already made for me. I assumed since he could not speak he was too weak of a man to just break up with me so I let him off the hook by leaving. Theres still a good chance this assumption is correct but its mine and I own it. G says that we are in control of our lives. we have the power to make choices that will affect our future. while he is saying I'm wondering why I just walked away. Why didn't I insist he explain or tell him to think it over and then explain later. Instead I was convinced by nothing (essentially) that it was all over. "I" made the choice. Not him. Not anyone but me.

Of course I hated having all these realizations fed to me on the Jersey state highway but I'll take what I can get.

a special note and thank you to goncalo!
i write cause i need to. so thank you.

this blog is about not being afraid

2007-03-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

im FULL of fears. i secretely feed off the creativity of others. sometimes its the sadness of others. either way, at times, many times, i feel like i have no identity. in the past month with this guy, i started to see something in myself. i LOVED this something. i felt smart and good and funny and even pretty.

and now i have to figure out how to continue seeing this person in me without the help of that guy. alone with my thoughts. this has proved dangerous in the past. i see cranes dropping and machines exploding. i see swat teams jumping out of helicopters and buses running me over.

i used to walk 100 blocks with my friend jody and we'd be in this bubble. nothing could get in, we were LOST in our world. our thoughts. we were surrounded by this energy. i feel like the last month of my life was in a bubble.

when im alone, i pretend im that same bubble and someone is with me. i pretend they see the same sunset, the same shadow, strange mustache, broken window. when i saw the magnificent crane on saturday with the shadows of men walking so high up in the sky, i pretended i wasn't alone. i longed for someone to race down the path with. i can see someone there with me but they have no face and they are nameless. its a blurred person.

my memory is a diseased soul. it hates me.

jody remembered everything. every single detail. she would tell me stories of bike rides we would take and songs we made up and i would not remember any of it.

my fear is that i will forget how i was with this poet. i will not know how to be that person i really liked in me. i fear my creative energy will die out. i fear it is already dying. im fighting with myself and my depression. im pushing it back. im avoiding it.

i feel addictions to speed and need my blades more and more.
i feel like i cannot be here anymore
i feel dangerous and out of control
and calm and its not enough.
nothing seems enough anymore.

these are the faces of me that i hate people reading.

not quite there

2007-03-23T10:05:00.000-04:00

How do i go from "i cant believe i met this amazing man" to "i cant believe he invited me to dinner with his friends only to dump me right on the street after"

have you ever felt like your life is just changing so fast and yet you are living it so fully. I feel manic and spontaneous and like I have only HOURS left to do everything. At lunch today my 25 year old coworker was telling me she cannot envision dating or being with anyone anytime soon but can absolutely see herself with kids and a "partner" in 10 years. It boggled me to think about a time that seems like the distance of Pluto years away (meanwhile, did you know pluto is NO LONGER a planet in our solar system...according to nat'l geo i have to update all my childhood styrofoam models now). she is thinking that far away and im thinking what will i do tonight.

who can i hang with?
what music can i listen to?
what art can i go see?

what conversations will stimulate me?
and then in the course of all those things listed above, i think maybe theres the potential that a good man will cross my path, see something in me and maybe we will hit it off. my friend has resigned to the thinking that because she is so strong minded, she is actually DE attracting men as she is convinced men do NOT want a woman with her own mind/opinions/self worth/total independence.....

COULD THIS BE TRUE? what about all those online profiles "she must be independant, have strong opinions, teach me something i dont know, ecetera"
and my friend says all of that is total bullshit. She says men want to be in control. They say one thing but mean another. I asked her if, in all her past experiences, did she feel like she was "acting" like anyone but simply "herself". I told her it sucks to be dumped on a sidewalk with nothing but the words: "I can't explain" but I'm not gonna

a. speculate why (we all do this of course)
b. determine that its because im TOO STRONG MINDED.

i mean come on. SURE it may have tons to do with me, my life, my poor cooking skills, my sweaty armpits, lack of bob dylan knowledge...but my strong mind??? I have seriously strong opinions but on stuff that probably no one cares about. and certainly they aren't opinions that are even worth being dumped over...

I was told on tuesday that a few phone calls would be made and my crane would be unwrapped by a very powerful man in show business and if you think for a second I didn't take him seriously, then you are wrong. THERE IS NO REASON TO WRAP A FUCKING CRANE IN ADVERTISMENTS. and do you think another living soul cares about this? no, but the man with me better at least "support" me in my quest to remove the crane wrap. even my cousin suggested flaming the bitch down!! not sure i want arson on my resume but dont think it didn't cross my mind.

i guess its both a blessing and a curse to be dumped without knowing why. most women probably have an idea but whether or not they actually will face up to it and own it or believe it and move on is another story. i guess what bugs me is that i feel like im walking on egg shells with dating for some reason. like if my sailboat isnt riding even keel 100% of the time, then its like some giant rogue wave swallows the boat instantly and you are left in the open water.

the other thing i dont like is that in the art of being "real" with any new man, i would never hide nor advertise that i blog about boys and life, etc. but my one friend says telling a man you blog about him would seriously make him paranoid and is a big mistake. he thinks i should never tell any new man about the blog regardless. and what makes that so hard is that its such a big part of my life and is like this creative outlet that i cannot live without. at least now. how could i avoid telling someone. i dont use this blog to name names and trash anyone. i mean its not a "anti-men" blog. i love men and boys and everyone for christs sake. im a lova not a fighta...haha

i dont know. honestly, its tough all over. nyc, paris, dallas, the north fork of long island. why let all that get you down and give up. i know my ship will come in. it HAS to. why do you think the crane has never killed me? he's hovered tons of piping and cement pourers over my head but i know he's only teasing me. he wants me to think about what i would lose. he wants to remind me i get more time. more days. more loves and probably even more losses. i love my crane.

my one true love.

mr. divney please unwrap him.....

at dinner last night

2007-03-23T09:16:00.000-04:00

With three of my favorite people in the world (A, E and G). And G tells me to blog about 5 things I've done. He says this is a good excersize for me. And so here is todays blog. 5 things I have done. So we didnt finish the conversation cause the guacamole man came to the table but I think I know what he means. However, just as a warm up list of 5. I think I'll do since I woke up this morning.

1. Cursed the loquacious weather woman on channel 7. god she is so wrong. i walked out of the house in a winter raincoat and a bathing suit. CAN SHE JUST MAKE UP HER MIND!!!

2. Febreezed and put on my gray running pants for the 5th day in a row. What? they are comfortable.

3. Rode the elevator down, up and back down again. (forgot nano charger)

4. watched the crane lower a GIANT red contraption almost on TOP of a man who was eating a bagel and pretending to steer the red contraption.

5. drank the most tallest cup of iced coffee (assuring i will never get an abdomen scan today dammit...)

not really sure how to blog about mild happiness

2007-03-20T09:43:00.000-04:00

but im not totally sad. i go through bits and pieces of unhappiness
today, for some reason, i feel ok.
ive got music to keep me singin
and friends popping in to keep me from slouchin
and pagers to keep me workin
ive got a latte with sweet sugar
ive got funny names to make me smile
applications in the mail
lists that don't exist
wood for sale
ivory coming in
we just keep goin
growin up
as this post
grows down

who the hell am i

2007-03-19T09:03:00.000-04:00

this weekend i shared a cigarette with a drag queen. But thats only cause she saw me rushing down the street sobbing and stopped me to ask whats wrong. I must have told her i was dumped and ugly and horrible and the worst person on earth and she was so tall and i was face to face with her giant boobs when she said

"Honey, please, you aint ugly, look up here. go on, look at me, you aint ugly"

the next thing i knew she disappeared and the bartender came out and asked what was wrong. i threw the cigarette down and rushed off again. then i was sitting at dinner last night with a sheet of paper and two columns. Trying to decide what reasons i should work at this new retail job. other than pays more and cute manager, i had nothing. and i texted my friend and asked her how i could be in paris with a good job by the end of summer. one more summer in new york.
of course, being completely fair she writes back "Y Paris? I don't get it. Do u want a fresh start? Inez, Annalisa. Feel like sometimes u wanna lose xxx..." (of course xxx being my real name.)

my friend at work says that there is no such thing as a drag queen on 59th st so she must have been my guardian angel. i like that thought. i think i'll stick with it.

anyway, yes, there is a lot of people i probably could be and wish i was. like i wish i was a doctor without borders and i wish i was an actress like meryl streep and a computer genius. and i wrestle with the conflicting thoughts of age versus time versus how can i not be anything in my life while everyone else is something. i am conflicted.
totally conflicted.
and jesus christ people, you walk out in the streets of new york and find 20 million people like and not like you and try not to think ever again. its impossible.

fuck you

2007-03-17T23:25:00.000-04:00

right at this moment im fucking sad and depressed
the man just broke up with me
just ended it
its over
im too old
to gray
to ugly
to skinny
to stupid
to everything
i hate everything
i hate it all

saturday

2007-03-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

I cant tell the story of the mural i put on my wall
i cant figure out where im supposed to be.
im sick of retrospect
i just watched the longest movie on earth
why hasn't scorsese won anything
or did he
i cannot remember the name of anyone
or the birthdays of everyone
how can you live in the moment if all you do is remember the past
im sick of the past.
sick of winter
sick of the ice melting down my windows
my phone doesnt ring
my lips are so chapped
but no one will kiss them
how come there are so many people in this world
and how come we have to die
if i didnt have to die i wouldnt care what today is
i had this vision of driving to the cemetary to say goodbye to myrle.
i had this dream that dr. ginsberg found cancer in my arm
it woke me up.
then ilona moved into my house
even though its a studio
i hate dreaming
and when old friends haunt me
ok so now that all that is out
and the sun no longer shines on the bricks
the day continues
cold
but not terribly lonely
its ok to be alone

its going to be ok

Poetic Anatomy

2007-03-14T11:10:00.000-04:00

I am reading this book about this woman whose probably mid 30's. She's just divorced and traveling around. In the book she's now in India at this Ashram studying her poetic anatomy. Her friend coined the term but I like it. She's trying to find some experience with her body that will bring her closer to something...like God for example.

She thinks this will help her stabilize her monsoon thoughts that kill her mostly.
So I have ALWAYS been a big disbeliever in any type of calming thought process that relaxes me (ie. meditation). I have been against it. I hate breathing like that. Or I used to hate breathing like that. But now I wonder if theres something to that. I mean all summer long I took nice long deep breaths whenever my body would remember what was going on. It was this secret little way for me to relax. But in the book and the real meditation process they include these mantras. and i flat out REFUSE to say a mantra over and over. Unless its something I came upwith. but usually when im breathing my mind is dead, or cleared and i cant form words or mantras. i hate mantras.

I know most of my friends think I'm like a constant fucking worrier, someone who cannot relax at all. But truly, I can relax. I did relax. I'm a great relaxer. You should have seen me with this guy on the trip. We had like 30 seconds to catch a train on the other side of town and I sat there worrying that I wouldn't get to finish my wine and dinner. Not about missing the train.

Hell, I WANTED to be stuck in Paris for the night. Even if it meant he wouldn't make his flight. I wanted him to be stuck with me. I didn't tell him this and he made his flight just barely.

And so this week has been a practice in relaxing for me. I cannot turn on the tv right now. I want to read. I have been trying to finish this book I got from a friend so I could give it back to her tonight but I start to read and then relax so much that I fall asleep. I cant seem to get through the book fast enough. Plus this meditation part isn't as exciting to me as the part about her time in Italy meeting people and eating everything.

But she is an amazing writer and I like how she sees things. And articulates things. I wonder how many edits her book went through.

Tuesday and I'm trying

2007-03-13T09:59:00.000-04:00

trying to keep up the esteem levels.

im faced with this one fear which my friends try to convince me is truely not the correct fear and shouldnt be a fear at all. i think that this man is pulling away as a direct result of something i said at breakfast and my reaction to his real age.

simultaneously he has been hit with a MASSIVE dose of reality and hard times not getting a job he wanted more than anything and was totally convinced he had and has now to decide what is next. This plate of reality is possibly consuming him. Possibly the reason he is not capable of giving me the proper dosage of affection that I desire and what will I do about this:

I will just fucking relax and know in my heart that he does like me. He has not started resenting me/hating me. I have to have faith that everything will be ok.
He could be in a rut for a while. this is completely possible. he could be unable to deal with me or my insanity.

betty is gone
that is ok.
elizabeth says that reality HAS to happen. Its important.
i agree

ONE SECOND AT A TIME. ONE FUCKING SECOND AT A TIME.

trash in my head

2007-03-12T09:54:00.000-04:00

the world is buzzing. im a failure. at many things. of this i was reminded yesterday. and NOT in a bad way, but a real way. And i KNOW that this friend never used the word failure and she used all the disclaimers, she said everything right and it made me think. I'm 32 years old. And if you ask me "are you where you want to be in life?" I will say "where is that?"

Cause I dont fucking have a clue. I never did and I probably never will. The truth is I dont think of myself as a failure when I'm with myself. But in the company or comparison of others, I know where I stand. I'm called Doctor Inez by other doctors but I know who I am. And I know, at least here at the hospital, where I stand on the list of important people. It means more to me to be thought of on the same level as a doctor than to be a doctor. This is just something I tell myself to feel better.

I feel totally exposed to this man. I feel like I'm on the operating table with my spleen poking out. I told him I missed him. It hasn't been that long since I saw him. I am so young sometimes. I know he wont say it back. I secretely want him to but its ok. I will be ok. I'm always worried about everything. Like a fool.

gotta say how i feel

2007-03-10T14:35:00.000-05:00

I usually rollerblade only to the intrepid and return. I haven't had the something to go further. All I know is that when I got there today, nose frozen, legs burning, ears popping I knew that I couldn't stop. I kept going. I smiled as good as I could considering the weather. Lately in my life I have had this energy I've never felt before. Its like I'm waking up from some lifelong hibernation. I feel different and crazy and alive for the first time. Sometimes I cant even speak. And its like I can actually feel my molecules.

I feel like I'm in love. I feel love like its never been felt. I want to shout it and scream it. My hands shake when I think about it (like right now hard to type.)
Ive never felt so scared and so satisfied.

This man. I call him by his last name because I wanted to be the only one. And last night I sat on his friends white sofa and the room wanted to know everything. Questions about life and your first sexual experience and the wine was endless. And then it was said. I had already suffered minor strokes knowing he was 3 years younger than me but I let them subside. And then.

As if Sasha (one of the guests) picked up the wine opener and threw it directly at my soul, someone said his age. It wasn't the age I was lead to believe. And now he was seven years younger than me. Seven years of getting to know oneself and figuring out life a bit more and seven years of dating and fucking and exploring and drug use. Seven years that I not only lived already but was tired of. Some friends say I need to subtract four years for the time I was with ex. I was numb. I am certain he could see this and his friend Lillie could as well. She was so good and trying so hard to comfort me.

So you should all see the confusion. And its so easy to speak up loudly and tell me that age doesn't matter. I remember in college with my first love. We were together 5 years and he spent all of them "finding himself". I took the path apparently less taken which was to simply find a job and live normally. No creative energy came out of me. I was afraid of everything and kept alone. I have always been almost alone. Mostly alone. I need it. I'm resting quietly with finding out who I am. Sharing my life, sharing my freedom, exploring my freedom, embracing my freedom, sheltering my heart, opening my heart. fuck. its like a fucking lifetime movie.

I made it up to 125th with the GW bridge just feet away. There was a roundabout in the path and I took it. back home and with my head mostly cleared up. The sun beat down on me and I never felt so alive.

Round and round.

reasons I cannot explain

2007-03-02T09:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, you see I Havent blogged. We all know that I blog sadness and depression and anger mixed with sarcasm. I also blog complete delirium. But lately, I have been distracted by someone. And like some Dodger player before a game I am soo afraid of talking about him for fear I will ruin everything. I call this the death match of love.

But what has happened lately is that I have been telling anyone whose anyone about him. Well sort of. Like at my 2nd job at the end of the night when all the coworkers are standing around chatting it up and I am trying desperately to close the store so I can get the hell out of there I will say stuff like:

"This is totally unacceptable, please people get to work and close this god damn store dont you know I have a DATE tonight!!!"

or

"Get out of my way Sakinah I will finish this project, you are too slow and I have a man waiting. a HOT man"

of course I say these things with the utmost sincerity and sarcasm and noone ever takes me seriously but my insides are usually dying to leave and prepare myself for another night of total insanity with this wonderful man.

I have never EVER met anyone like him. I mean at all.

The truth is I messed up the blog. I was showing him this one post about the wrapped crane and I copied and pasted which gave him the link to the blog. Which mean't I had to lock it down and I removed all the prior blogs. I messed up but I simply could not be exposed. So thats why its locked down.

TRAGEDY - MY CRANE WRAPPED

2007-02-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

There are several events in a single girls life that must be taken seriously. This morning was one of them.

As you all know, the great Crane has been my friend for some time now since before I even moved into the new apartment. He has helped me through many lonely and depressing nights. I have seen him go through his own set of drawbacks and accomplishments as he has dug and put up the great structures around him.

And now there is a giant beaver who is trying to come between us!!!!

The crane is building a new apartment complex which has a beaver as its mascot. And now that the complex is growing so big, the advertisements have begun. You have never seen such serious attention to detail in an apartment complex ad campaign. You'd think the beaver was running for president!

And so this morning as I walked to work and turned that great corner to face my beloved crane, you can imagine my UTTER HORROR AND TOXIC SHOCK at the site of a this beaver WRAPPED around my crane.

"call me" says the beaver. Call and order me in studio, 1bedroom or 12 room penthouse suite. "Wash your car in my lobby" says the beaver.

This beaver is mighty. But what he doesn't realize is that my CRANE WILL CRUSH him with just a sneeze in the downward direction. The beaver is defenseles...

But lets discuss further...Because now that most of my closest friends have either seen or heard about the great crane, I will be the LAUGHING STOCK of all of crane admiration and never taken seriously again should ANYONE see this great wrappage of my one and only.

I will assure you that a letter has been written to the head of the media department of the Beaver and I have alerted the Fox5Investigates team and Shame Shame Shame as well.

And Mr. Beaver, save the wrapping for Christo!

Please take a moment of silence today in honor of my crane.
yours truely and forever.
Inez

hostile

2006-12-20T14:39:00.000-05:00

when you dont want to go home to an empty apartment you tend to find the nearest bar. some asshole head grabbed me with chin and forehead. i pulled myself out of it and sat down at this table (accidentally) with his asshole friend.

he started on about his dad and how powerful/rich he was....

you see, in life in subways in my head im very outspoken, with men, im not. but i looked this asshole right in the eyes and said very clearly

"i dont give a fuck what your father does and if you ask me where im from one more time im gonna take that beer and smash it over your head"

haha. i REALLY said this. you know what his asshole response was....

"i think i could marry you right now"

i finished my wine like it was a tequila shot and walked out the door as fast as possible.

fucking waste of my life.
waste of my life.
waste
pure crap
in a
bucket

Not really a dating post but....

2006-12-18T11:16:00.001-05:00

A blog friend Goncalo has requested I try this sentence finishing exercise and honestly I'm so anxious to receive a response from the Russian that I need a good distraction so I'm going to do it.....and here it goes:

Finish The Sentences...

1. I've come to realize that my ex... is possibly still interested as he claims to look for me on the NY streets of millions. Of course I look for people to. Sometimes this city is so small.

2. I am listening to...a song by Noir Desir from a link on Goncalo's page .

3. I talk...to my mascara when sometimes my depth perception is off and I stab myself in the eye.

4. I love... peanut butter so much it hurts.

5. My best friends... are a VERY select group of people who I cannot live without.

7. I lost...#6 somewhere, as we have just jumped from 5 to 7.

8. I hate it when people...don't get me. that includes walking slow in front of me and not laughing at my jokes and even not understanding my constant need for activity.

9. Love is...something I dream about but have yet to find. I'm currently looking in Russia. ;)

10. Marriage is...possibly a sick joke but I suppose I will do it someday.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...that there must be a way to move Westchester closer to the city. I have access to a crane. perhaps that is the answer.

12. I'll always be...more energetic than you.

13. I have a crush on...clearly all of Russia. :)

14. The last time I cried was because...on Saturday I watched a group of kids sing Oh Come All Ye Faithful. I couldn't help it.

15. My cell phone...is flat and querty and lets me text the Russian.

16. When I wake up in the morning...I stare around my room for a while to make sure my vision is still intact. lol (a fear I will wake up blind from the lasik eye surgery over the summer)

17. Before I go to sleep at night...I like to think of something funny or good so I wont have nightmares. Ps, this did not work last night as Jaws ate two of my brothers and was going after me with no thanks to my parents who were not good at killing him.

18. Right now I am thinking about...checking my hotmail inbox again for the billionth time this morning in anticipation for the Russians response. so hard to resist...i must walk away from the computer..

19. Babies are...round in the head, fat in the belly and cute.

20. I get on myspace... by mistake. (this is what goncalo said and its exactly how I feel too!!!)

21. Today I...will take about 10 deep breaths and eat a turkey burger for lunch and and leave early if I'm lucky.

22. Tonight I will...try to upload pics into this totally awesome photosynth software by microsoft.

23. Tomorrow I will...hopefully be alive.

24. I really want...a date with the Russian on wed!!!!!

25. The person who is most likely to repost this is...No one. haha. sorry but the blog audience is just too small.
POSTED BY ANNALISA AT 11:16 AM

THE SWITCH

2006-12-18T10:08:00.001-05:00

Ok So with careful supervision I am this morning attempting the switch. The Bad Kisser (BK), as you know, has attempted to make a plan with me 3 days post the date we had which, in that time, I was convinced that he was disinterested and also gave me two dates with the Russian. But during the initial date I was having fun, dont get me wrong but honestly thinking of my best friend K the entire time thinking all that he is saying would totally interest her and well in the back of my mind I thought they'd be perfect for eachother.

So I responded to the BK:

BK Hi,
Wow. uh, listen I honestly didnt think you were interested. And actually I have gone on another date with a guy I saw once before we met. The truth is, I dont know what will happen but I think its going well and would like to pursue it. I really did enjoy our date though and if you dont think this is entirely crazy, I have this fabulous friend K who I think would totally hit it off with you. Would you be willing to meet? I could send you her picture and fill you in if you want.

:) Inez

Now to make things crazier, I Bcc'd friend K on this email. Haha. And I have never mentioned any of this to her. Well my ideas. She never has time to read this blog so she has heard from me he's a bad Kisser but doesnt know all that I said about him. Actually, I talked to my friends about this bad kissing and how that could be an "action item" in the scope of the switch I'm performing here. One friend said that what I think is good kissing she may not. So honestly, its totally perspective. And the thing is, I have never kissed friend K so I have no idea what she considers good kissing or bad for that matter.

I quickly emailed her after with a qualifier and I'm sure I will be receiving a phone call from her soon asking me what kind of crazy shit I'm trying to pull. Chances are, she wont even agree to do it even if BK does.

But its fun all the same!!!
haha

patterns

2006-12-09T18:51:00.001-05:00

Ok im back. when my friends told me they would meet people who were COMPLETELY differnt from their pics/profile, well i hadn't experienced that

UNTIL TONIGHT.

im waiting at the subway and this totally short wild salt and pepper haired guy walks up with a big smile. He totally recognized me, yes, cause I AM my profile. its me me me. theres no variation. but i was shocked to see him. we walked, we talked. he made a good first impression but I pressed on.

After careful consideration and one total evening I have concluded that this is the jewish version of the FRENCH FUCKING NERVE!! and I'm NOT going there again. I just cant. this guy is trying to get his life together but is struggling. I give him props for trying but i dont give him props for asking to SHARE a fucking glass of wine. He asked and I denied him this money saving tactic.

I said we will each get one and I didnt AT ALL feel bad about this. I'm DONE with this crap. I'm in a career, im confident, I'm stable for christs sake. I just cant deal with the opposite of that. He asked me why I was with the ex for so long, well he provided this stability and I didnt have to split any wine with him. Ok so that wasn't enough and well, THATS where the passion stopped for us. but I need that. I just do.

I'm not in a position to hold the weight in the relationship. I'm working three jobs and just having fun.

I kissed him though. He asked if he could and I let him and he said he would be in touch but I just didn't feel it. I didn't feel much of anything.

He was cute though. But too short and I NEED to be tall. TALL people. I have hunched over for 6 fucking years and I wont do it anymore.

I noticed myself doing it when we kissed and its wrong. He put his hands on my ass. Damnit.

Ok now its time to party. I'm meeting the best friend and we are going out on the town. YES!!

sweating

2006-12-09T14:27:00.001-05:00

again. Its like my body is seriously just PISSED off at me. I sweat and sweat and cant stop. Is there some cosmic reason I'm sitting here completely ready for my 4pm date at 2:28pm. haha. I thought about what I could do up until...

i drew a man with his head down
i listened to two old albums
i turned on and off my old laptop
i watched an apple web seminar on medical imaging
i ate an apple
i bought crazy glue at duane reade
i sat and starred out the window

then that was it....that was when i just had to shower and get ready. and i had to go downstairs to get the doorman to button the back of my blouse. they are always so helpful. i decided if this guy is exactly the height he put in his profile i will be 1 inch taller than him on site. the boots are 3 inches and im totally wearing them, i dont even care.

(STILL FUCKING SWEATING>>>>>)

i am so hopeful right now.
hoping he thinks im pretty
hoping he thinks im funny
hoping he's funny
hoping he's sarcastic
and smart
and god dammit not a pothead.

breathe breathe breathe

the date is already over

2006-12-06T20:33:00.001-05:00

Tonight was a lesson in "chemistry" of which there was none. I sat across from this guy, who was perfectly nice. He had a bad day which he started with. Fine. everyone does. I wish I could help. But then came the football and the beer and the pot smoking which he may or may not still do but either way, it WREAKED of the ex. I just dont like those things. And

FINE

you can Love football, LOVE pot, LOVE beer, FINE, but please men, MAKE UP FOR IT in other ways. Be a writer, a lunatic. But this guy was perfectly easy and nice. Perfectly just "ok". I told him stories, he listened. He responded but it was in the way he responded that bugged me.

Ok ok. so heres the question. Do i give this man another chance? I called for the check. I felt dizzy from the wine but I had no desire to kiss him. Is that the "no chemistry" talking or is it something else. Should I just move on or try to find something in him?

We split the bill
He hates sushi
He is a patriots fan
He laughed at my jokes
He seems nice
but

i dont feel it.

so ok, he said he would call. What do I do?

45 min before date

2006-12-06T17:25:00.001-05:00

Sweating PROFUSELY!!

Nose JUST started bleeding.

Dry SKIN on nose makes me look like a coke head.

Stomach crawling!!

jesus lets the elephants fall! LET THEM FALL ON THE JITNEY!!
(im taking the jitney downtown to meet him)

Lonely

2006-12-01T12:24:00.001-05:00

yesterday I sat at the airport in Chicago for almost 5 hours alone. Just waiting. My eyes kept looking around at all the men. They were everywhere and what made me feel lonely was what happened a few nights before.

I was at this conference and met up with these cute Slovenian guys. One of which I fooled around with back at my hotel room. We did not have sex but came pretty close. So I longed for affection and I got it. And the next day when I saw him again at the conference I guess I just figured out really how men seem to work. He said "maybe I'll see you around"

Ok I'm not stupid. I know exactly what that meant. And even in the moment I was able to play it very cool and smile and walk away pleasantly. It was later at the airport coming home that I spent too much time reflecting my behavior. Some clearly non-qualified waitress made me the worst latte ever and i thought I could sit at this restaurant looking all cute and single while drinking it but it was so bad....(i digress) I don't regret fooling around. He's probably a very nice guy but I guess I was just shocked that he was able to remove himself from anything that happened between us so quickly. I know this is nothing new to the world. We all have these stories but I am now experiencing these things first hand and well its lonely. And getting lonelier by the second.

So then I started thinking about this other friend that I fooled around with last week. I wonder if he feels the same way. Like before I left for the conference I saw him briefly and said we should "hang out" when I get back because I thought it would be fun to have more fun together. But now I'm wondering if he just handed me a courtesy response and now that we've fooled around he's maybe just done with me.

So the question is...what is this doing for me. Am I becoming a slut or is this how people "play the field"? Sew their oats...I think as time goes by its getting easier. But I still go home and long to find someone to be with. The affection though is nice. Really nice when you get it but it doesn't last.

who are we kidding

2006-11-02T21:36:00.001-05:00

Frankly, all this SELF DISCOVERY I'm SUPPOSED to be doing is just stupid. I am sick of it. Truth is, I haven't tried really all that hard. I have, however, decided that I'm not that bad just being alone.

But what I think bothers me the most about this "rule" my friends have all instated and are strictly enforcing on me is that I have been there and done this for YEARS. For the better part of childhood, high school and the first 5 years of college I was in every sense of the word ALONE. I didn't date, didn't kiss, didn't have sex, I didn't even go to parties or drink. My first drink was in college on seamester, incidentally my first french kiss was right before seamester and my first sexual encounter (b.j.) was ON seamester.

The point is, I am so OVEr myself. over getting to know myself. While all my friends were dating and enduring perhaps one disastrous date after the other, I was sitting at home, alone, writing or reading or listening to music and obsessing over men I would never even look in the eye. Yes, so maybe they just wish that was them, but I WANT to get out there and date. Sure this is my first living alone situation and they bring up valid points about this as a huge Life change, I dont doubt this. But in the short lived "nerve" experience and even the VERY short lived non nerve hopeful dating experience, I secretly loved it.

Now I do recognize my need to constantly avoid myself but I have spent what I think is "enough" time evaluating the things I am apt to avoid and the truth is, they are just parts of me that I may not ever be able to tap into.

My friend K keeps tapping on my shoulder asking if I have ever even used my paints and canvas and brushes and I look back at her thinking maybe its just not right yet. Maybe Im not ready. I dont have ANY confidence in drawing or painting. I pick up a camera and it just feels right. but maybe I just figured since every one of my blood relatives has tapped into their artistic sides and can paint and draw that I should have this ability and maybe I just dont. I dont visualize paint on a canvas. I try to all the time. Especially during these moments when I'm alone and nothing comes to mind.

I'm at the self esteem level that I think I SHOULD date. I think I need it and I know I want it. I will take with me all the lessons from my friends who are black belts at it. But they have to remember that I never got those opportunities they did at the worst and the best of putting yourself out there to someone. Maybe my biggest problem in life is that I haven't ever allowed myself to really be vulnerable to anyone. not even Ex. not even ex. thats insane. a man i was ready to marry but he didnt even know me. didn't know what i really wanted and its not just cause of him, i didnt let him.

I think one appealing thing about french nerve and the turk was that i saw little bits of me "letting go" of my walls and boundaries. I liked the freedom that they allowed me to feel. I liked that whatever it was they were doing I felt free. I never felt that with ex. I want to continue letting myself be free in that way.

dont misread me. (and you know who you are). I'm not saying I need to go out and be some whore....and in the words of my most respected friend "the cajun" which I keep repeating over and over in my head, "just because a man wants to sleep with you, doesnt mean he "deserves" to" cause the type of freedom I'm talking about is that which most of my peers have developed over time. The idea that you let life unfold before you. You dont adhere to all the standards which I think ultimately just let you down.

sure I'm not perfect at dating, I have a LOT to learn yes indeed. I just liked how dating improved my self image. I feel good about myself. I feel happy and content with me and even if not EVery second of every day, dating let me tap into sides of me that have been hidden under some deep layer of the "strictly standard" inez which is not someone I enjoyed.

I hope that makes any sense. I've had two glasses of wine at the reception tonight. But mainly I'm just admitting this to you all now before this saturdays "game night" when I'm certain my friend K will bust me and tell everyone I have been back on nerve. Just emailing, not dating, but certainly violating the Nov 17th rule. I know I know.

sunday

2006-10-22T14:54:00.001-04:00

Ive been thinking alot about my "tag line" on nerve.com

It says "Will look you in the eyes"

I cant look people in the eyes right now. And I remember what I meant by that. Cause there is a certain amount of honesty and integrity in a person when they can look right at you. Not just during sex but in all aspects of life together. Telling a story, standing in line. And its not some deep profound crap about seeing into someones soul, its just being fucking...

REAL.

just letting people know the real me. After the ex break up, I walked around for a while with my head down. I didn't like me and I wasn't prepared to let anyone else like or not like me either. FN never really saw out of his eyes. He may have looked at me but he wouldn't let me look at him. His life was not ready for people to look at him.

I took my friends advice today and wandered around alone. I decided to finally see the bodies exhibit (which by the way was not great. would it KILL them to show the aortic arteries!! JEESH) at the seaport. I was tempted to get a headset so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. I didn't look up from reading anything. I pretended I was alone. On the way in I glanced at the cute guy at the top of the escalator but not long enough to let him see me. There might not be any great places left to meet guys. I am cold about getting back on nerve but while I walk around with my head down, truth is, all I see is empty streets with the occasional couple walking their dogs and babies.

So far I haven't had much luck with online dating. Are the single people left in this city only virtual bodies with eyes that can't see through the screen? Are we so scared of our own real lives that we make up new ones on the internet just to meet people?

Sundays not over yet and I dont know about you but my tummy is sure in the mood for a sundae! :)

The last Straw

2006-10-20T21:11:00.000-04:00

I dont know what type of fire I evoked in FN but he would not let it go. He continued to text me and call me. When I got off work last night I had a new text and the LONGEST voicemail in the history of the world. It is so long that I will just have to summarize. Basically he CONTINUED to vent to me about how he was "just checking for me" on nerve. Just digging deeper into this most ridiculous lie. I had ENOUGH. All the way home I crafted up in my head the "response" I wasnt goin to say anything at all but he had evoked a FIRE IN ME and he was going to get an earful. I will say, about my response, that some friends thought it was too nice and not mean enough. But this is what I said:

"well FN, i didn't want to have to do this but you will not let up. see, im a good person. a nice person and i was not going to point out all the things you did wrong and the reasons you hurt me but now, you will hear them. you have driven me to this.

for starters, you don't want me. that was clear starting when you returned from the west coast, more clear last week and "clearest" on monday night when we went out. the only reason you want me now is because I don't want you. Think about that.

secondly, you are a liar!!! you UPDATED your profile on nerve with new pics and you were online when i checked which is SO MUCH MORE than logging on to see if i was on there. which, if you checked, i was not. I cant believe I have to point this out to you when its such an obvious lie.

and the reason i say you don't want me is for so many reasons. but let me point out that we made plans last wednesday and you didn't even care enough about me to WRITE them down or REMEMBER them. that hurt. it hurt more than finding out that you had some tattoo appointment and didn't care enough to share with me the story behind it or leading up to it and you hesitated to even tell me what "appointment" you even had like it was some big secret.

And further....when i called you on this, when i expressed that it upset me, when i emailed you to clarify, you completely blew it off, turned it into a joke, that hurt too. your TONE was that I was the crazy one for even questioning you.

You seemed to care about me and my life in the beginning which made me feel good but where i first noticed you pulling away was when I made that blog for you and poured out details about my life and how i felt about you and you gave me NOTHING in return.

you didn't even follow up on things i told you when you did return.
you don't ask me anything other than "how you doin" and it seems so much like you really dont care if i even answer. im not sure what it is you are even fighting for, monday night was IT the last shred of evidence that you didnt care.
you looked right through me when i talked you introduced me as "friend" to john you seemed disinterested in anything i had to say which made me not even want to talk.
you repeated to me stories you had clearly told me before. AGAIN, you didnt even care to remember you told me those things before.

you DROVE me by johns restaurant twice and i knew who he was yet you tell me these things as if i never knew. dont blame it on a bad memory because, FN, when you CARE about someone in the RIGHT way, you WILL remember what you told them and be excited about telling them new things and different things. it was like our first date all over again minus the goosebumps.

and I KNOW you dont even remember saying to me "i will call you tomorrow after my interview" because I waited and waited and waited all fucking day and night and it WAS that night that i decided you simply werent interested anymore and it was that same night that I knew I wasn't on your list of people to call and tell about the interview. I knew that night that I simply wasnt important enough. you said you would call.
just like you you had agreed to go out with me last saturday night and you didnt even bother to write that down.

listen to what im saying here. its clear to me. dont fight for this because you dont want me. and if this is your version of wanting me, then its not enough. not even close and i cant tell you what "it" is. when the right woman comes along, you will just want it all, want to know everything, you will stop the questioning and the trust issues. im not that person and thats ok

you say that i "dumped" you before. clearly you didnt realize what i was even going through. that wasnt about you at all. i told you i wasnt ready for a relationship. i WAS HONEST with you rather than just blowing you off.
i knew the drama in my life wouldnt warrant me to give you all that i think you needed or deserved in a relationship and THATS why i told you i couldnt see you.

I think your life right now is just as hard. you are clearly going through some heavy shit. i would have appreciated you telling me you couldnt hold your own in this relationship and we should take a break but instead, you simply pulled away and quite frankly, that was cowardly. but i dont think thats the whole reason you pulled away.

otherwise you wouldnt have actively put yourself back out there on nerve.
cause, FN, THAT IS what you did. you werent checking for me. i didnt mean enough for you to check. thats why you updated your profile and turned it on again. dont lie to yourself or to me anymore

This will be the last time you hear from me and as you said on the last phone call, you wont be contacting me again, please respect that.

inez"

I sent that and went to bed. He spent the entire afternoon and into the evening exhausting me. And this morning here is his response:

My life is fucked up and me with it Inez. You're lucky you're out of it.

I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.

Goodbye,

FN.

HAHA. I laugh. I think its funny. Its exactly the kind of response I was looking for. I DID care about him and I felt bad about his life. He was totally lost and I could relate to this on many levels. So I wanted to be clear in my letter that, yes, he hurt me, but he has much bigger problems in his own life than me. I will be fine.

In conclusion, I dont think I will be hearing from FN anymore. I have learned a few things about men, namely:

-the "fade out" technique
-he certainly lied and didn't do it very well
-and I think the one that through me off the most was when he all of a sudden wanted me only because I didn't want him.
My friend K pointed out that I did this as well when he started backing off and I guess its just some sick mind game. One footnote though, I didn't fight for him. I havent found the guy I will fight for yet.
But he's out there.

THAT BASTARD

2006-10-18T15:37:00.001-04:00

So last night with friends K and S, the consensus was to just allow FN to fade me out. Reverse fade him out at the same time. Peacefully we both go in our directions and fade away.

Now, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you know, I agreed to wait until November 17 to date again. But that didn't mean I couldnt update my profile on Nerve. Which I went to do today. Now let me be very clear that my profile is "turned off" meaning...that no one can view it or see it. No one can even contact me at all. Its like I dont exist. But in the background, I can update my profile with new stuff.

While I'm there, I decide to check FN's profile just for fun. Fully expected his to be turned off as it was a few weeks ago when HE asked me to be exclusive.

WELL

WELLL

WELLLLLLLLLLLL

NOT ONLY WAS HE BACK ON NERVE
HE WAS BACK IN FULL FORCE
UPDATED PICS
UPDATED TEXT
ONLINE AT THAT MOMENT
FULLY BACK

what did that mean? It mean't he's looking to date others. It means he doesn't want to be exclusive. It mean't all the fading away that up until now I assumed he was doing, was in fact, AS TRUE AS CAN BE!!! My blood started to boil.

I blocked him immediately which was my initial intention.
I know that nerve has this feature where you can see "who" views you and if he checks this, then he can see that i viewed him. And if he saw I viewed him then he KNOWS I CAUGHT HIM.

Within a half hour of seeing him on nerve, he text's me "How are you today"

BLOOD BOILING
STEAMING
BODY SWEATING
PULSE PULSATING

WHAT DID I DO? I ignored it. then i went around, as i always do, asking anyone in site what i should do. The plan is to ignore him for as long as it takes. Should he begin to stalk me, which I doubt he will, I will just tell him how I feel.

My coworker, a 32 year old male, just told me "All men take women for granted"

What the FUCK. Now its SO COMMON to take a woman for granted, men just flat out have no problem not covering up this feature. Its NOT a selling point PEOPLE!!!

The verdict tonight.

2006-10-17T22:47:00.001-04:00

I'm STILL breaking up with him. He's out. I swear there is just no way that what we have "now" could be classified as a real relationship. And thats
'
what im looking for

isnt it? dont i want something real? dont i want something serious. yes. my friends. where are these men? should i switch teams? hell no. women are too fucking nuts. But I'm just

me

just looking for someone to not only LAugh at my jokes but GET them. I need someone who is worried about the burn mark on my neck and who cant WAIt to tell me about their new tattoo. What I have right now...is none of that.

And even if its HIS version of that, its not, simply, enough.

i need more
i need more
i need more

so now, starting tonight, I'm beginning an experiment. Via friend S and Friend K's suggestions. I will be spending my time alone. No man. No dates, No hook ups. Nothing. I will be completely with me until November 17th.

The question is. What the fuck. Even tonight, I was already asking my friends if they new any single men. I mean why can't I deal with being alone. What am I so afraid of????? Well thats the experiment. We shall all find out....

all of us
all trillion of my faithful readers.

jesus christ im kidding. see....the one that gets me is the one for me.

THE PRE-LUNCH VERDICT

2006-10-17T12:56:00.002-04:00

I'm breaking up with him. And over email. More soon

Opening Lines

2006-08-07T11:11:00.001-04:00

Long before the wedding happened I reviewed in my head who was a potential man for me. And the truth is, Hoboken was in the running. I knew he was single and I remembered the talk we had out in Southampton one weekend which was nice and he seemed sweet. In my head, he was definitely a potential. I didn't build it up but I was excited and nervous to see him. In fact, the first night I got REALLY nervous for some reason and I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. Anyway, we briefly talked at the actual rehearsal. Sat together at the dinner and engaged in group conversation about poop and how much you would have to be paid to eat 3 poops.

but when we got to the hotel bar later and it was a moment for him to talk to just me, what was his first line (are you even ready?):

"So which girl in here would you sleep with?"

and suddenly, I felt ill. I felt like a brick had just fallen from the sky and pierced my head first and then jammed into my gut. I immediately changed my brain from "potential" to "maybe he's a good kisser" and then later in the evening to "I've got to get out of here"

It only took that one line to completely reverse me. Sure I humored him and answered and we talked more and then went to this god awful club at the other end of the hotel and started dancing (which I thought would at least sober me up). He bought me a damn shot which I couldn't even drink. We did end up kissing and at this point good kissing is well, lip mutilation. I mean the last three guys I've kissed during this dating phase have all been excellent kissers. But the next day my lips are almost completely skin less. Good kissers just suck the hell out of you. But in this good way, I don't know how to describe it really I mean I have dry skin already but this Hoboken guy actually BRUISED my lip. Which I noticed in Bloomingdales the next day when I was getting my make up done. And three other witnesses saw the bruise (once I pointed it out to them) but it was there. He also lifted my hair and bit the back of my neck sort of raw like. It was nice but I was still sick and needed to leave.

So the other guy from the wedding, he opens with "anything worth looking at down there" as I leaned on the balcony staring at Chelsea and the Hudson river. It was a good one and I indulged him and we chatted. I knew about him already. The rumor by many at the party was that he was currently getting divorced and it was messy. He told me he was already divorced. He was an actor teacher and

I was just somewhere else the whole time. I told him I was broken (I mentioned that before) I felt like the more open I was with him, the more engaged he seemed. I decided that I can potentially make a damn good impression on people when they first meet me. Even when I'm broken. I think my personality is well developed and while I'm not generally censored as much as I should be, I feel like I can pick up on people's behaviors and alter my conversation to fit theirs. It sometimes leaves me feeling identity-less. But I guess that's ok. I mean I know who I am. I have always known who I am. And I'm very open with people which I think makes them feel loved or good or warm or something. It also makes me less mysterious but I also sometimes know when mystery is good too.

Like with this new nerve guy. I have been thinking about him ever since our last date. I have actually thought so much about him I have excited myself. Haha. But I haven't called him or emailed him or anything because I think as excited as I am, he is 100x's that and I just know this cause of the way he looked at me and the things he said to me. I know he's too involved already and I have to find a way to stop that. Because I AM still broken and as much as I want someone to love me THAT much, I know that I'm not ready for it. And he doesn't even know me well enough and I don't know him well enough.

But here's what I thought about. His opening line. And then I remembered Hoboken pointed out this totally nasty bridge and tunnel girl to me that he wanted to approach and he asked me what should be his opening line. It took me a minute to dissolve the fact that he was interested in such a complete slut (not kidding, you should have seen this girl - sorry to judge but I have friends who would vouch for me) and that he was actually concerned about what to say to such a girl. But then I thought of it. It was the same line that the new French nerve fed me which was as perfect as it gets and I turned to Hoboken and said

"I've got it. Ready?"

"Hi"

And with that. I smiled. I thought of the rest of the night with French. The stories we told each other, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke about his life and his friends and his family. The way after our kiss, he looked at me and said it again "Hi" and I melted. In certain moments like those, I feel like everything is ok and I think its ok to feel that way.

I'm seeing him again tomorrow night.

Kiss Me Badly

2006-08-06T16:08:00.000-04:00

ok so last night. we all know i had a date with a non nerve guy. he is a work friends friend. yes. a YOUNG 29 year old (almost 30) hedge fund guy who turned out to be SO MUCH MORE during the date.

so i walk into this joint where im meeting him early and assume that he will be late or is not there, i chat it up with the 3 hostesses whilst scouting around for potentially him. theres a bar to my left and sofas to my right...i head for the bathroom eyes still searching...nothing. the bathroom was supposed to allow me to check the nose for snot and any other facial problems but it was too damn dark and useless so i go back upstairs and head for the sofas. in the corner sofa i spot a cutish guy alone on the sofa and think to myself (damn cute guy but where is the one im meeting). I also notice he looks up at me or beyond me or whatever. And I begin to walk toward him and aim for this big black leather chair. As I pass this column I notice in the corner of my eye that this cutish guy is now starring at me and I'm feeling shy....then STUPID!! ITS HIM!!!! for christs sake its totally him...

haha

he's been there, he already had a beer. He spotted me and was trying to make eye contact. I feel so silly. Ok so I shake his hand and rush around the sofa to sit down. He's cute. seems tall. I'm looking him dead in the eye but my peripheral vision is on point tonight and I spot his left hand shaking. I immediately think he's nervous as hell and wonder why. With all the email confidence, maybe that was just email and in person he's a nervous wreck but somehow seeing that calmed me down and I didn't feel so nervous all of a sudden. So we chatted, he tried to explain hedge funds, I got lost and didn't get it at all and my mouth just turned into a jellyfish. I could no longer make complete sentences, remember what mutual funds i had or even my name. He picks up his beer with the right hand and thats shaking too. I guess I didn't know how nervous a man could get.

His voice was cracking too. CRACKING!!

Ok so we chatted more, then he mumbled something and got up and walked away. I assumed he went to the bathroom. lol. When he came back he sat closer to me. Then the pizza came and i got up to use the bathroom before eating. We ate and then with my leg, my bag in between me and him he leans in allll the way and plants a kiss on me!!!!

SHOCKING!!! i mean seriously. we JUST met and it wasnt the end of the date, it was the middle. It threw me off. Jellyfish were flying out of my mouth at this point. I messed up his college with another rival college, I told him im either crazy hyper or totally comatose with no inbetween, after family talk i admitted to a jailbird brother, my crazy blog, dating, art I cant draw...jesus i was jellyfishing like a FOOL! but somewhere in that mess he looked right at me and said I was funny. That was cute.

So the problem is that he cant kiss. I just wasnt sure why. And the jelly then dropped out of my mouth when I noticed him trembling while kissing me and whispered that he shouldnt be nervous which then prompted him to tell me his shaking was a serious neurological problem!!!!

There was a point where I could not say anymore and in those moments the kissing continued. I guess I was hoping he could improve and yet with each kiss it didnt.

So what I know. so he cant kiss. is that so bad? no, i dont think so. I dont know actually is it? of the people I have polled at work so far, some say this will never change. he will always be a bad kisser, and others say i can teach him.
I dont know. as far as i see it, two questions remain:

1. does bad kissing count as a deal breaker?
2. does bad kissing mean bad in other areas?

ok so now lets talk about the positive. this guy is FUCKING AWESOME!!!! i mean seriously, he's got morals values he's not a pothead and he fucking genuinly cares about people. but he's edgy too and confident and even likes old people. and ART! he's beyond smart about stuff but seriously does not come across that way. i mean he doesnt come across dumb but not cocky you know. (ps, this is the type of jellyfish rambling i got myself into with him last night)

ok anyway. if it doesnt work out with hedgefund, I still have some banter accumulating with this one nerve guy I really think is cool. However, I struggled to get him to actually ask me out. Short little emails about him being sick and his job and whatever was goin on with me were a flyin and I just couldnt take it and stopped emailing. then two days go by and he surfaces to ask if his emails had once again fell into my spam folder. Which they hadn't, so i responded boldly:

"actually i was waiting for you to ask me out!! lol. ;)"

ok so apparently just MILKING this sickness of his, he comes back:

"I will, just as soon as I regain my breathing capabilities :)"

oye vey, then me:

"Wow, who would have thought I could take your breath away virtually! :)

(kidding of course)

are you going away for the holidays?"

now the third line was my (failed) way of trying to increase commication or get a dialogue of some sort that we had before...

him:

"Don't know yet. There is no warrant pending for me as far as I know, so I'm probably not going away."

NOTHING...this man is losing me...im losing interest. im losing everything. hours went by and somehow i just forgot to eat lunch. so i went to the cafe as they were about to close and they were OUT of turkey burgers... I REPEAT OUT OF TURKEY BURGERS.....

so then this man gets an email back from me...the "do or die" email. the email that will require a much thought out clever response and if not then im afraid he will be cast aside and here we go:

"im hungry and there are no more turkey burgers left in the world.

ok ok, exagerated i know but thats my lunch and i missed it and now its gone. so i must go find food. im using this email as my own personal online diary (hope you dont mind) about hunger and how theres too much chocolate in the department. I had a mint earlier but its not helping. I have routed out the closest food establishments in my mind but none seem worthy of leaving the building. Theres tacos, sushi, subway, two delis, and this indian place but wheres the turkey burger place....yes, thats right, it does not exist. Does this warrant me a day off as I cant work properly if I have no food. I think it does.

since you have no voice or breath, I will be the voice of the proletariat

-the inez"

and that ends this thursday with no response yet.

Please have a good night my friends...

what im feeling right now which may change soon

2006-07-22T23:29:00.001-04:00

i hate men. or at least turks. he stood me up. or called in sick. and what a jerk. simply. and my roomate says maybe our paths will cross again some day but maybe they wont. right now, i dont care. i want to be in paris. i want to be passionately kissing jean labarre on the cobblestone bridge over the river seine. i want to be dead or alone or in some hold on a ship far far away. i want to be kissed and touched. i hate the world. i hate that it hates me. i sat in a bar and no one even looked at me. its cause of my fucking nose. i hate it. did i mention i hate nerve.com and i wish it never existed. the men on there suck ass. i hate them all. hate them. none are even cute.

i have never had passionate sex in my life. that is, until i met the turk. thats all it was though. so why do i now think that a relationship cannot exist with passionate sex. passsionate sex is for one night stands and one time dudes. i hate turks. i want a european. they are so sexy and they grab your feeet during sex. they know how to touch you andwhere to touch you. i want to be touched.

syria, iran, iraq, romania, georgia, bulgaria, greece and cypress. I fucking memorized the 8 bordering countries for our date. i thought i would impress him since i was a geography major and all. but he stood me up and now i hate him. i hope he never logs on again.

I Had An MRI Last Night

2006-07-20T09:14:00.001-04:00

I didn't actually go into the scanner however.

there's a handful of emotions people go through before a scan. Even if you are not claustrophobic, when the table starts to move you into the bore and you are suddenly surrounded on all sides, I imagine even the most together people take a deep deep breath.

Yesterday the anxiety started early. This Saturday I am going back there. There is where I lived, where my life had been figured out. The old apartment where ex still lives. I'm going to pack my belongings and get them ready for when I actually move out. The day I completely move out, I would rather be all packed up and just ready to go. So I collected as many friends as I could and have been making arrangement's with ex so that he would be out. Yesterday I had to make the final arrangement's with him which meant I had to email him.

Deep breath...

Just the process of how to start the email, what is the appropriate thing to even begin with. Hi, Hello, Hey, blah. And then to end it. -me would have been the old way. He signed an email that way before. I just left it blank. Hi in the beginning and nothing in the end. He knows who I am and I hope he knows why I cant sign it. -AnnaLisa would be just rude. Other than just making arrangements, I threw in a line about how hard it will be....

...Its going to be a weird/awkward day I'm sure but I need to get it over with...

Maybe that was kinda odd to say but then again, I'm pretty odd. A few minutes later he responded.
And the anxiety started to build as he asked too many questions prompting yet another email. UGH. I just answered his questions and that was that.

Deep Breath....

For the next four hours, like some cancer patient, I sat and thought too hard about the outcome. The diagnosis. Will I be ok? Will I make it one more month? What will I let go of? I have so many things but I know I will need to let go of them.

By 4 I was completely anxious. I went and had a coffee. I bought a new phone. I went to the bathroom six hundred times. I could feel my insides turning.

Then the anti anxiety medicine was delivered at Del Posto (in the Enoteca) and the nurses were my closest friends. A "tasting" dinner with generous portions of "tasting" wines...

Falinghina with the Calamari Fritti

DonnaLuna with the Tortelli

and Rubrato Aglianico with the Pork Loin

LemonGello's were served with dessert.

I had enough medicine in me for three scans but it only made it worse.

I started home, started my thoughts again. I was alone.

The worst part of the scan is waiting for it to begin. You sit and wait forever until they call you in. The wait for the F train was beyond too long. I could hardly stand up. My legs were losing energy. I finally got on the train. I don't remember the ride home. I don't remember walking to the street. I don't remember which arm my bag was on.

At 12:28am, the text came through:

"Did u never really love me like u thought or was it just how i freaked out that disenchanted u? i wonder...." -ex

Suddenly I was on the table laying flat on my back and it was moving into the scanner. Everything was closing in. I had to face it. He was forcing me to face it. And this tsunami started rising from the base of my spine up my back and out my eyes. I was on 8th Ave. I was walking and I couldn't breathe. I felt my lungs collapsing. I tried to dial a friend, then another, I couldn't feel my hands. I couldn't breathe.

I never told him I never loved him but then how did he know. I never used those words. I never told anyone I never loved him. And never is much to strong. I loved him for a time. But I remember the day it stopped. I'm not sure the blog is ready for that day though. Lets ease into this.

Deep breath....

I had to stop on my block to try and breathe. It didn't help. My lungs were mad. They were pulsing fast and I had to get home. I started walking faster. I could see the streets were empty but the scan had just started. I got inside and up the stairs and kept going...To the roof. I thought it would help me to sit down up there. I was breathing harder now. Faster. The tsunami was flooding my face. I got up, and walked right into my roommates room. She was in the shower I could hear but I sat on her bed. I got up, sat on my bed, more tsunami's. I tried to focus on my buddy list and see who could help. Gay Jinzo. I told him I couldn't breathe. He said I must be breathing if I could type. I know I shouldn't have but I texted nerve#1 "i cant breath" I didn't even spell breathe right. I got up. Back over to roommates bed. Buried my face in my hands.

She comes out and in a towel. I was so sorry but I couldn't help it. I couldn't breathe. I just wanted her to help me breathe. She held my hand, then my back. I knew it was awkward for her. I also knew she understood. She had divorced and the pain still lingers within her. She handed me a glass of water which I couldn't drink. My lungs wouldn't let me. Then my fingers were tingling. My legs were tingling. I was losing feeling. My back started tingling. Something was happening to me I couldn't explain.

Shallow breaths kept coming. I tried deep ones. I tried not to think about it. I finally told her about the text. I told her it was true. I didn't love him and then what I'd hoped would be the final tsunami just went up my spine and out my eyes. I said it which had made it true. I thought about how my mom said I hadn't "dealt" with the ex situation. And even if its not in the way she wants me to feel which is to be mad and hurt at HIM, at least I was dealing with the anger and hurt that I feel towards ME. I hated myself. I hated the 4 years I was dead. I hated how the door was open to me to walk away early on and I let him back in.

Deep breath...

The roommate let me talk. Then she told me about her coworker. Then I peed and closed my door and tried to sleep. I don't remember how that happened but I read the next text at 5am.

"please please dont feel guilty for having emotions! or for figuring out a truth that isnt what yr supposed 2 expect. please do get in touch 2mrw...'night"

it was from the roommate. And finally I could breathe. If not perfectly at least slowly.